Like Sands Through The Hour Glass

      I have a confession and some people will probably make fun of me and hell, I would to if I were you. I’m addicted to a soap opera. Days Of Our Lives is my heroine. It’s quite sad really and I realize that a man shouldn’t be watching this.

     It’s all my mom’s fault really. For as long as I can remember at one in the afternoon everything in my house stopped for an hour Monday through Friday. There were other soaps but mom was all about Days Of Our Lives. We were allowed to watch cartoons but as soon as Days came on you were done.

     The fucked up thing was that during summer break if it rained all day there was an hour that you didn’t exist so you were either stuck watching the exploits of the Hortons or finding ways to amuse yourself. Anytime we didn’t have school that hour was so ingrained into me and brothers heads we were forced to call a truce to whatever squabble we were having and hang out. After Days was over everything was back to normal.

     As I got older I asked my mom why she watched this shit. It was horrible but then I began to watch and I understood. You had to suspend belief for starters or else you would go insane because a lot of shit wasn’t making sense. In soaps you have to throw common sense and reality out the window because they don’t exist.

      I don’t think there any rules when it comes to these shows. For all I know these show may actually tale place in a could  parallel universe. Somewhere out there there’s a Salem and who knows maybe heaven itself is in fact Salem. God could in fact be Victor Kiriakis.

    

     Once I really started following the storylines and becoming familiar with back stories and current story lines I was an addict. There was some really fucked up shit going on and Friday was always the day when they would throw out some crazy cliff hanger so you’d have to watch again on Monday.

     I like that in soaps a dude or chick can decide to become an actor outside of soaps so they may kill off said character. When they come back a month or year later it’s all good. No one questions it. Years ago a dude lost his fucking head in a car crash, they confirmed that he was in fact clearly dead yet a year later he was back and his head was intact! Not one scar!

     The reason behind this was that he was cloned and the original dude had been kidnapped. Someone had been pretending to be him for a very long time and suddenly he escaped. This clone had the characters memories and was so convincing that his wife had no idea that she had spent a few years fucking a man that wasn’t her husband. The man that lost his head in the accident was the clone. How fucked up is that?

     It explained away the accident and the severed head. If scientists were able to use this technology wars would be a lot more fun. We could send in a bunch of clones and rejoice that no one would die in a conflict that not everyone believed in. If our wives or girlfriends became nagging bitches or we just wanted to bang someone else we could send in the clone while they put up with the nagging and we were having sex with someone less bitch like.

     In a soap cancer and aids would be cured in a week. Fridays a big cliffhanger day so on Monday there would be that big reveal and there’d be no more aids or cancer. They would have the best doctors and nurses working on it and there’d be tons of cheesy dialouge. “I can’t do this. It’s just not possible. Damn it!” Another character would flash a worried or concerned look and reply; “Nothing’s impossible. We can’t give up. We have to keep going. I won’t let you quit.”

     Cloning according to soaps has been around for a long time. It’s used to kidnap people and keep people from finding out shit that they’re not supposed to find out. What better way to destroy someone than by kidnapping your enemy and sending in a clone to destroy their life. How awesome would that be? Having a shitty day? Send your clone to work for you. Your wife or girlfriend’s being a bitch? Send in the clone to end to the marriage or relationship.

     I get how most dudes are reading this and wondering if I’ve lost my mind but I haven’t. There is a lot of sex and romance in a soap but so what. Who cares. I watch it for the villians. The asshole that throws out witty dialouge while fucking over everyone who gets in his way. I like the bitches that will fuck over anyone who gets in her way. The villians are the linchpin of every soap. You have a weak mopey villlian you’ll lose intrest

     When I say bitches I mean the female villians. These are chicks that will steal anothers womans dude just because she can and then fake a pregancy just to make him fall in love with her. The guy is always clueless but the guy’s girlfriend always finds out and calmly walks away so he can do what he needs to do.

     I hate the females that are so good and saintly. I like the nast vile, coniving bitches that stab people in the back and act like it’s no big deal. I like the villians that ruin weddings by revealing that the bride is pregnant with another dudes baby or they fall in love with a woman who just happens to be married so he hires someone to kill the husband and then they swoop in and play the hero and eventually the woman falls in love with the villian.

      The dialouge is so bad in these shows but there are times where it becomes almost to easy to use. Yes, I’ve used cheesy soap dialouge on my exwife. Still do. There have been times when I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see if it would work and I’m not even mentioning if it did or not.

     I happen to have a stunning exwife. Sometimes I wish I was a bad ass villian so could get in her pants one last time. Flash her that villainy look and say something like; “If we made love right now the world could end tonight and I would die a happy man.” I doubt it would work but it sounds pretty damn cool. If I were a bad ass villian I would be banging my exwife right now.

     Does it mean I have feelings for her? No, I just want to see her naked. You’ll have that. I would be a bad ass villian in a soap. It just fits. I’d be the asshole that manages to sleep with every chick I talk to yet stay emotionally unattached. I’d kidnap some people, wreck a few marriages and I’d have a damn good time doing it. Why even wear pants?

     As a villian my speeches would be flawless and legendary. I’d be the guy that’s fucking your wife and your mom all in the same day. There is always that ick factor in soaps as well. People sleep with their brothers, their sisters and even their cousins. The viewers know but the characters never do. When it’s all revealed it’s amazing how no one ever kills themselves.

      These people are fucking for months and suddenly on a Friday we all find out that the dude or the chick is some how related. They were switched at birth or some crazy shit but as icky as it is they still pull that storyline out once in a while. How do you get over something like that? If you’ve been banging a chick and find out she’s your sister you need to leave town or buy a gun because the odds of ever having sex again would greatly diminish.

      What if you do get over it and find out the new girls your cousin? Do you invite your sister over for a threesome? The odds of that happening are actually quite high in West Virginia. They call that a family reunion. There are some bad storylines in soaps but what keeps me watching is the hot coniving bitches.

     I realize that by watching soaps I’m losing brain cells but I’m addicted. It’s all my mom’s fault. She and I watch together and I enjoy that quality time with mom. We watch a lot of tv together but Days is just ours. My stepdad isn’t as into it as we are and we’re cool with that.

     I enjoy Days Of Our Lives and as crazy as the storylines get I’m a fucking addict. I structure my day so I can have that one hour with my soap. I root on the villians and wait for some goody two shoes to get totally fucked over. In real life none of this shit could happen. Someone would be arrested.

     I won’t even tell you who my favorite characters are because I know I’ll get laughed at. It’s bad enough that I watch it but I couldn’t stand anymore ridicule. I’d have to kidnap you and send in a clone.

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