Damage Through The Haze

Don’t ya just love it when I go to church? The nonintelligent folks that go through life without questioning anything are now groaning and throwing up their hands in disgust. Isn’t life about discovery and growth? As a kid I’ve always wanted to know why. When I found out the why I was always happy and found a new why.

My son is all about God and church and I’m okay with that because it’s my fault he has such a vested intrest in it. When I stopped believing and going to church he was a bit confused and asked why. Was I mad at God? Do I still believe in God? I never lie to my kids so I answered honestly and said I don’t know. I’m not mad at God but I don’t know if I believe in God anymore.
Just because I’m confused it doesn’t mean my kids have to stop going to church or believing in God. This is where parents and adults really anger me. If a parent doesn’t have a belief system or may even be an atheist they expect their kids to be the same way. They forget that their kids will someday grow up and their beliefs may change.

As parents we need to encourage our kids no matter what. Don’t throw blinders on them and expect them to have the same beliefs and world view you do. As I sat there my mind was filling up with what I had believed, what I projected and I was reminded of what I had set out to do as a Christian. I kept hitting upon the word sheep and how as believers that’s what God expects us to be.

Sheep are mindless ans follow the herd. Is that what God really wants? We aren’t supposed to seek out the truth that He Himself had established? If we don’t question what our pastors and religious leaders are telling us how then can anyone grow in their faith?

Not questioning closes our minds and allows us to become just like everyone else in the pews in front and behind us. There’s no reason to exist beyond what they’re telling you. That sheep ideology just doesn’t make sense to me. As a Christian my goal was to find the truth. Compare what my pastor and my religious leaders were telling me to what the Bible says. If there’s a disconnect or even a slight change in context I would step back and pray if what I’m hearing was in fact true.

The sheep mentality can’t work because if the word of God is taken out of context weakens an entire congregation. How are you supposed to question it if you’re a sheep? The more I sat and the more I thought the more I realized that whether I liked it or not as a Christian I made an impact. I was different than most in that I truly believed what the Bible said and truly listened to sermons. By listening and comparing it to the Bible I could tell that the church I was in wasn’t going to work for me.

What happens a lot of times is a sect or denomination will take verse out context and build upon false doctrine. I always urged people to think for themselves. You can’t force someone to go to church and believe in God. Free will dictates what we believe or don’t believe in. You can’t spout Bible verses at people and constantly tell them they’re going to hell. It can’t work because those people don’t care. I wanted people to get saved but if I was forcing them or guilting them into it I failed.

Sitting there this morning reminded me of what I had tried to be. I wanted to serve God and be a Christian that people could look up to. God to me was more than just church. I blogged about my faith, I supported the idea that salvation was for everyone but I never pressured anyone into it. I wasn’t like a lot of the suit and tie Bible thumpers that go around acting holy. That wasn’t my style.

If I had begun some sort of Christian legacy what was it? I was a bit of a rebel and didn’t conform to the idea of what a Christian was supposed to be. I was still scruffy, I listened to music that most Christians fled from in fear. I began to think about my faith and why it seemed as if those years were a wasted effort. Where was God when I needed him? Everytime I go to church I always ask the same questions. Where are you? Was it all just a wasted effort?

I still have the same knowledge and the feeling that my life had some purpose but now I just feel lost and confused. Are we supposed to serve God blindly and never question anything? Where was the God I served? I still can’t find him. When I stepped outside of my Christianity I assumed that I would find the Bible to be laughable but instead I’m reminded of why I was a Christian in the first place. There was calm among the chaos, there was a chance to be someone greater than I ever thought possible.

I assumed that by turning my back on God my life would somehow turn out better or have a wider meaning. Instead I’m struggling to figure out who I am and what the fuck I’m supposed to do. The fire has really forced me to reexamine myself. Not just my faith. Everything. My stance on forgiveness, and hate, and even anger. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find the answers. Christianity was a way for me to be someone greater than I thought I was but was it all for nothing? Were those verses just empty promises and ideas that man created? I really need to stop going to church. It doesn’t help and only confuses me because I start to think about how broken and screwed up I’ve become.


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