Chubby Wubby Weeble Wobble

     I figured at some point I’d have to write this blog. I could’ve avoided it but I have never avoided anything or anyone. Wait, there was once a girl I avoided because she smelled funny. I could never quite place what the smell was but it was sauteed in wrong sauce. What made it worse is that she had a crush on me and wanted me to as The Beatles fondly put it, hold her hand.

     I did no such thing. I figured if she smelled odd holding her hand would have felt like holding a rotting fish filled with baby vomit. I avoided that woman and she’s probably married to a smelly man and they have a bunch of smelly kids and live in an abadoned meat packing plant in Amish country.

     This blog isn’t about smelly chicks but ladies if you do go on a date wash your lady parts and use a Febreeze plug in if needed. This blog is about this guy


     Who is this guy? That’s me before the diet. Quite smashing aren’t I for a guy who has no feet and looks like he’s scared. I love that flesh colored suit and think it looks slimming.


      This is me. I look grumpy because this diet isn’t working out as well as I planned. Will power is awesome but I have found that I have the worst will power ever. I actually have a witness that will swear to this and if she’s reading this she’ll probably chime in and laugh at me.

     The idea was to switch it up and eat more fish, and yeah I know it’s hard to eat more fish if you aren’t dating. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I did cut out a lot of bread, and started planning this whole less is more attitude but I’m human and I screw up. It happens. I began eating a lot of yogurt and turkey burgers.

     There were a few days where I totally lost it. I acted like Rosie O’donnel at a Golden Corral. I was an eating machine and I couldn’t stop. It was a horror show but when I checked my weight it didn’t affect me. I was surprised because after all that I was sure I had to start all over.

     I did learn that if I have turkey bacon and boneless skinless chicken breast I have the most amazing wrap ever. I take the soft taco shell and grill it for about a minute, spread some lowfat poppy seed dressing on that sucker and I’m a happy guy. I have cut down on my eating and usually try to eat two light meals and then something sensible for dinner.

     What I need is Jillian Hall to climb on my back every time I feel like I need to over eat. She is one agressive lesbian. She’s like a diet nazi. I saw those commercials where she was going crazy on those fat people and my heart broke for those chubby people. Didn’t they also lock them in a room with cakes and pies?

    I want to be locked in that room with Alison Sweeney. All I need is an hour, two tops. Have you seen this woman? I watch Days Our Lives partly because of her.


     The whole point of this blog is not to poke fun at dieting but to admit that I sometimes screw up. It happens. I have moments when I become weak and think I’ve gotten off course but that doesn’t mean I can quit. I’ve still lost about 7 pounds and for me that’s awesome. I didn’t think I’d last this long but instead of going Jillian Hall crazy I admited that I’m human and I screwed up.

     I said hello to some donuts and in the end I ate them. They were good donuts. One was a creme stick and two were lemon filled. I think one might’ve been raspberry filled but I’m not sure. I ate those donuts and survived. You won’t hear me babbling about failure or how the donuts tricked me.

     Is that even possible? Do donuts form militias and taunt chubby people? How rad is that? When everyone’s out of ear shot the donuts plan strategy and maneuvering. The donuts would attack but only in dozens. Crafty battle ready donuts. Seriously, that would be cool. 

     Instead of being all Jillian Hall crazy I’m just having fun. Watching what I eat and trying to take this whole diet thing sort of serious. That for me works. Some people need Jillian Hall on their back but that just scares me. I don’t need an angry lesbian kicking my ass for having a donut. It’s a donut not a dozen.

     I have lost weight and that’s all that matters to me. How I lose it is hard to explain because all I really did was find something that works for me. That was all I had to do. That and the commercials of Jillian Hall jumping on people’s backs. How degrading. When did fat people become horses for angry diet nazis?

      So yeah, I’m kind of taking the diet thing seriously and I’m not all strict and snobbish when it comes to certain foods. I have kids and they are going to eat foods I know I shouldn’t have and I’m cool with that. I’m not scary about my diet and if that does happen I hope someone calls me out.


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