Arrrrrgh *cough cough*

     It’s been an interesting week and I have to say that my twins have been been a huge part in that. My kids have always been a driving force in my life. They have no idea how much they have influenced me. My kids loved Skillet and Flyleaf and once I dropped all of the elements of Christianity out of my life the music was the first to go.

     After the fire I no longer had the cd’s anyway so I just never replaced them. This week I figured I may as well make them happy so I got them the Flyleaf and the Skillet but then something happened. I actually smiled as I remembered that most of my favorite albums were by Christian artists.

     The first cd I listened to this week was Frost Like Ashes’ Tophet. This is brutal unblack metal. There is nothing like Christian Unblack
metal but as I sat on my floor grinning like an idiot I realized just how much I missed this stuff. I was happy, truly happy and I needed more.

     I haven’t been this happy listening to music in months. A band that looks like this actually made me happy!


     As I looked over all the music I had been listening to over the last six months I tried to get that same excitement I got from Tophet and it just wasn’t there. Thanks to my kids I rediscovered the music that truly defined me, and made me happy.

     My kids helped me to discover that even though I may have walked away from God I still loved the music. Christian metal is truly amazing and the problem I had listening to non christian music was how bored I had become. I had become something the kids had truly been proud of and I stripped away the only identity I felt comfortable with. I walked away from something I was thought I could never be.

     That Frost Like Ashes cd was a reminder that no matter where I go or who I think I might be I haven’t changed as much as I thought I had. Christian metal and unblack metal has always been made fun but there are those that see what I see. There are tons of bands that were ground breaking and showed that Christians don’t have to be boring.
     As a Christian I was lead into all these different areas and when I discovered unblack metal I was ecstatic. As I veered away from my faith I tried to listen to black metal but it wasn’t the same. For me the satanic imagery and negativity wasn’t as interesting as the Christian unblack metal.

     These were songs about war and brutality and even faith. Despite black metal being based on lack of faith unblack metal is all about faith and hope. We all need hope. We need a bunch of dudes wielding swords and running through a Norwegian forest. Why does every black and unmetal band have to be in a forest with a troll? Every video is filmed that way.


     This is the second band I started listening to again. Hortor is just crazy talented and again I got giddy. I really missed this music and I was instantly deleting the music that had replaced this stuff. I flashed back to discovering new bands every day and suddenly for the last several months I had nothing new. Once I stopped listening to Christian metal there was nothing exciting anymore. Nothing made me exclaim; Holy Crap on a cracker!

        While listening to all this amazing music I realized exactly why I was so miserable. I realized why I have felt so lost and out of place. I let go of something that I was proud of, the one thing that defined me. My Christianity. It was more than just music. It was who I was. The music just became an extension of my faith.

     You can never change who you are. You can spend three years of your life creating someone you never thought you’d become and then suddenly raise your hands and say; I quit, but can I? My kids showed me that deep down I’m still the same guy I was seven months ago. I can try and be happy but I’m never going to be unless I figure out who I am.

     What I’m going to do now is put in my head phones and listen to one of the greatest metal cd’s ever. Mortification’s Break The Curse and then I’m going to go to church and figure my next step. Do I want to be the directionless miserable person I’ve become or do I reclaim my smile and be the guy that banged his head to Jesus metal and found his true calling?

     I truly believe that we all have a purpose and for a long time I believed that mine was showing people that as a Christian we’re all into different things. You don’t have to be the stuffy suit and tie guy if that’s not who you are. When I became a Christian I was still quite rough around the edges but God was able to use that.

     What mattered was what you believed. It wasn’t about what kind of music you listened to, what books you read, it was about your heart and that was what God was focusing on. The exterior isn’t important it’s the interior. A lot of Christians still don’t get it and it’s unfortunate.


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