The Loveboat Sank

     For some reason I decided to seek out some of my favorite songs. It was a bit frightening due to the last few months of my life being a total rollercoaster. If I had attempted this a few months ago the results would have been puzzling. I may have picked The Talking Heads Burning Down The House (It’s ok to laugh, I did) or after my marriage fell apart I could’ve picked smack Bitch Up.

     Favorite songs are personal and favorites for a reason. I still have no idea why I love The Cars Moving In Stereo so much but I do. We kind of relate to them or just find the lyrics amazing. What makes it so much fun is that I’ve gone totally digital and all that means is that I’m no longer hindered by compact disc.

     I was a little nervous and scared because a lot of these had a lot of personal meaning and spoke volumes about a girl I once was madly in love with but now I feel nothing. As I listened to some of these songs I began thinking about a new woman and that wasn’t the intention at all. It was strange to hear a song and think of someone other than the woman I spent ninteen years with.

     I tried really really hard to avoid songs about love but did you ever notice that most of the songs about love are downright scary? I never noticed how twisted some of these songs were and it dawned on me that people in love are one step away from a restraining order. When did love become so creepy and self loathing? Why is it when we fall in love we lose all common sense and self respect?

     Does love make us blithering idiots or is it the drive to be in a relationship that sucks away who we really are? I had dinner with an amazing woman the other night and I realized that we don’t need to define everything in our lives. Sometimes it’s ok to just go out and have fun without worrying about what it is.

     I truly believe that people are so desperate to meet someone and fall in love that they lose sight of what matters. I was confused because I wasn’t sure if it was a date but suddenly it didn’t matter. What mattered was that an amazing and beautiful woman agreed to have dinner with me.

     Despite the fact that I’m anti-love, anti anything that has to with feelings the fact is anytime I see a chick I’m always trying to move beyond the woman I really want to be with. I got over my exwife so this shouldn’t be hard but it’s downright impossible. I talk to someone and in two seconds I’ve come to the conclusion that this woman isn’t good enough and compare her to the woman I want to be with.

     I have taken an exile from all things related to the dreaded L word. Is it an exile or maybe a vacation? All I know is that there is no escape or exile from it. It’s everywhere and how do take a vacation from something when you are constantly  texting her? It’s bloody impossible.

     I did flirt with a chick at a store this week just because I could. I also remembered the last chick I flirted with and how dissapointed I was. I finally got the balls up to get her number and in two seconds I realize that the bitch was dumber than a bag of hammers. I was deeply saddened by this shocking turn of events.

     I felt as if someone had kicked me in the balls. I was attracted to her, wanted to see her body without clothes on and the woman is stupid. Suddenly, I realized that I wasn’t even attracted to her anymore. Just one conversation ruined it all. As I write this though I’ll admit that I was hasty and would still do her as long as she didn’t open her stupid mouth.

     My thing now is moving beyond the person I truly want to be with and just settle for whomever comes along. I have my eye on yet another cashier and at some point I’m going to get her number and hope that she’s not dumber than a bag of hammers. I just want someone that I can have a decent a decent  conversation with.

     I don’t want a girl that’s all clingy and needy either. If I fail to call every five minutes I don’t want her to call the police and every hospital in a twenty mile radius. I need a chick that understands that I need space and can deal with the fact that I may never love her or marry her.

     As far as what some of my favorite songs are I’m not telling. I can’t because I have a reputation to uphold and I don’t want people to think I’ve gone soft because I. haven’t. I have truly bonded with Get Set Go’s I Hate Everyone



Musings of a raving, bitter lunatic

     A few days ago it dawned on me that Metallica has a new record out and I couldn’t remember listening to it. How is that possible? This is the record that followed St. Anger which to me showed a band trying to make ammends for some really shitty music they had put out. St. Anger was a mess soundwise and shows what happens when a band puts too much faith in a producer.

     How could I not remember not listening to Death Magnetic? The first assumption was that it may have sucked so badly I just blocked it out, or I’m reaching the age where I begin forgetting everything. According to some people that’s already been happening for quite sometime.

I’ll admit that I don’t have the best memory in the world and I know one person who will probably comment that it’s because of all the pot I smoked in high school. She may be right. I smoked a lot of pot in high school. So much in fact that for years I thought Comfortably Numb was written about me. If you had scraped my brain back then you could’ve smoked the resin.

I may have smoked a lot of pot but that’s not why my memory sucks is it? I sometimes walk into a room and forget why I’m there and yes I have occasionally gotten a bowl of cereal and put the milk and the box of cereal in the fridge. Doesn’t everyone? It has to be age related. When I start wandering around in flip flops and an adult diaper I can no longer blame the pot. There is something else causing it.

I decided to listen to Death Magnetic hoping it would jog my memory. I remember listening to St Anger feeling giddy. I haven’t listened to a Metallica album since Justice so at that time all I knew was that Anger was a step back toward the sound that
defined them. Magnetic it seemes was the next step that would bring them full circle.

I stopped reading the reviews and began to think about my life and all the changes I had gone through. We all grow and move into different directions and we often look back and compare the who we are to the we were. We’ve grown older and some of us have spouses and kids and bosses we can’t stand.

I’m not the same kid laying on my mom’s roof getting high and listening to Kill ‘Em All. I have three amazing kids and I accepted that Justice will be the last great Metallica record. Bands are playing faster and even though we’d like an album like Puppets or Justice it isn’t going to happen.

I listened to Magnetic as an album that wasn’t trying to compete with the past. I looked back on my life and was blown away by how much I had grown and evolved. I saw how decisions I had made made me stronger and yes, maybe even a little bitter. I had to move forward and constantly change or else I would grow stale as a person. It seemed Metallica had done the same thing.

Death Magnetic showed me just how far I had come as a person. Sometimes we don’t realize just how much you’ve changed until you reflect on who you are and what you’ve achieved. Like Metallica I may never do anything as awesome as …And Justice For All but I’ll keep trying.

What defines me are my kids. No matter how much I screw up I look at them and known that because of them I did something right. My kids are my …And Justice For All. Nothing else in my life will ever compare to that.

Here’s My Heart Please Dance On It

     I guess the general consensus after my last blog is that I’m a little bitter. Heck, I survived V day and even bought myself a present. I got myself a Galaxy S II and I even realized that I can actually write a blog on it. I think bitter isn’t the right word.

     I do believe that when you get to a certain age you should stop believing in love. If you’ve reached your thirties and are still waiting for the “one” odds are he or she isn’t coming. Put aside all the happily ever after bullshit and join the real world. Face it, love isn’t easy or perfect. It’s hard and there’s nothing worse than feeling as if you’ve finally done something right and watching as it blows apart.

    So no, I’m not bitter. I’m a realist. I know that love sucks. I’ve fallen so hard I woke up every morning feeling that life was full of promise. I fell hard and I’m still not over her. Love sucks and I hate it. I hate all those stupid movies that have the perfect ending and everyone lives happily ever after.

     They always forget to show the other part. The scene where the girl rips out the guys heart and begins to eat it. How many of us have been there? How many times have we been kicked in the teeth by love? How many times have we all gotten our hearts stomped on?

     This is how bad I am. True story,I saw a woman the other day and my first thought was I bet she’d look hot naked and sweaty. I imagined this poor woman naked and sweaty! I wanted to do every nasty thing I could think of and then leave and never call her again.

     In my twisted way of thinking I truly think I’ll get over the woman I’m in love withn is by having cheap meaningless sex with random women. I have actually convinced myself that any attempts to date will end in disaster. I’m thirty-nine and on the vergevof finally getting divorced and every relationship I’ve ever been in I’ve totally fucked up.

     Now I just say hi to random women and wonder what they look like sweaty and naked. I’ll hang out reading books on my new phone and watch a few horror flicks. I may occasionally date because let’s be honest and admit we are all suckers when it comes to dating. At some point some women is going to catch my eye and I may ask her out in hopes of seeing her naked and sweaty.

     That’s not true but we have to do the dating dance. It’s a part of life. Love sucks but it happens and I can hate it and try to avoid it but it’ll happen once I get over the woman I’m stuck on. It took me a long time to get over my ex-wife and I’ll get over this woman eventually. One step at a time and all that happy horshit.

Cupid Can Suck It

     Since I’m in the process of getting a new phone I won’t be able to do this on Valentine’s Day so why not do it now? I am anti-valentines day. It’s the one holiday I totally loath. Fucking hate valentines day. I hate it so much I refuse to wish anyone a happy one.

     Let’s be honest and admit that all this bogus holiday is for is to sell shitty cards, flowers that die, and candy that makes you gain a fat ass. Hallmark invented valentines day to sell cards. It’s not about love at all and I refuse to celebrate any holiday that was invented by a greeting card company.

      What I want to know is why the mascot of this bullshit holiday is a fat kid wearing a diaper? When do we ever allow kids to play with a bow and arrow? If he shoots you you’re supposed to fall in love. Bullshit, if some fat kid shoots me with an arrow he better get those stubby wings flapping because no one shoots me with an arrow and gets away with it.

     Love is for suckers anyway. Anyone that believes in love needs to have their heads examined. For every happy couple I’ll show you ten others that are miserable. Here’s love in a nutshell. You fall in love and in two weeks she hates your guts, or you do something so stupid and retarded that she leaves. There you are with a bewildered look on your face wondering how you can get her back.

     I urge all of you people to avoid love. It’s an unrealistic idea that only fools and dreamers believe in. Love is vile and evil, and the second worst emotion a human can ever feel. How in the hell do you avoid it? Stay inside, avoid looking at women all together and if you are in love with someone and you doubt she’ll reciprocate just ignore it.

      There’s nothing worse than being in love and knowing she may never love you. That’s never happened to me but I’m speaking for those who have been repeatedly been screwed over and totally in love knowing that it’s a wasted effort. Love ends in divorce and self loathing. Love will confuse you and have you thinking that life is going to finally turn out fine yet it never does.

      Screw you cupid with your stupid arrows and bullshit sentiments. Screw all those that think valentines day is romantic and full of promise. It’s full of empty promises and unrealistic ideals. I am the antivalentine with the black bleeding heart. I say screw you to anyone who wishes me a happy valentines day except for my mom because she’s fucking awesome and gave me life.

Whack Jobs Apply Within

     I came really really close to not writing this blog. Of course I realized that I have never shied away from anything. I’ve made fun of super models, hobos, Lindsey Lohan’s vagina, and of course Univeralists, so I had to bite the bullet and write this.

     It all started with a video someone had posted on Facebook. I clicked the link and got sidetracked by something else and I started thinking about conspiracy theories and how they affect not only our way of thinking but also out culture.

     The reason I almost didn’t write this is due to most conspiracy theorists being batshit crazy. They attack you and try and beat you into their crazy flake ideology by throwing all sorts of crazy shit at you. When you debunk them they always say you’re one of “them”.

     Who exactly are “they”? Of course I then had to research this entire blog just to find out who “they” are. Jesus, just once I’d like a clear cut answer. It’s always “them”, never a him, or a wuzzle, or even a what. If you ask who “they” are there’s always that exasperated look as if you’re the one who’s batshit crazy.

     The conspiracy theories are too numerous too mention. The moon landing, who shot JFK, Who shot JR, and the reasoning behind why a male teletubby would carry a purse. Why is there always more than one theory? Couldn’t they all agree on one clear cut obvious answer?

     I delved into the theory that 9/11 was an inside job. There are a multitude of reasons down to the way the buildings themselves collapsed. As if the official al-Qaeda reason wasn’t bad enough you have these conspiracytards saying it was a controlled demolition. Why? What? Are you high? I could try and explain it but it would take three blogs and you’d be begging me to stop. Wait, I hear that every time I have sex (sorry couldn’t help myself).

     Let’s pretend for a second that Orwell never wrote 1984. Let’s clear the words thought crime, hate speech, and big brother from our vocabulary. If that book had never been written there would be no conspiracy theories. Think about it for a moment and you’ll see where I’m going. What was the central theme of ’84?

     Government control. Big Brother recreated history and rewrote it to suit his needs. You were closely monitered and words like hate speech and thought crime eliminated any freedoms that the citizens held dear. If you were thought to be a traitor you were brainwashed and reprogrammed to love Big Brother and embrace him as a great leader.

Before that book came out no one really spoke out loud against the government. After all, they were elected by us, so they wouldn’t hurt us would they? Orwell opened the door to make us question our leaders, even our belief systems. Suddenly it was ok to question the motives of our elected officials.

If Orwell hadn’t written 1984 maybe someone else would have but we wouldn’t have the idea of Big Brother or the knowledge that hate speech and thought crime certainly do exist in our society. Orwell gave our innermost thoughts and fears a voice and without that book and the idea that somehow our elected officials were out to harm us wouldn’t exist.

1984 gave birth to conspiracy theories. You have the Roswell conspiracy that still exists today and Orwell planted those seeds. What if is always the big question and sometimes 2+2 doesn’t equal four. Conspiracy theories feed on our paranoia and doubt.

What led me to this thought process was the video I saw called Sandy Hook Exposed. This video has tons and tons of views and as I watched I was like totally makes sense. I could see how it could happen. The idea was that the government wanted to pass stricter gun laws so they decided to hire a bunch of crisis actors and pull off this massive school shooting so no one would question it.

Seems totally logical because there’s some truth to it. Like all conspiracy theories there always is some truth behind the bullshit. The idea of stricter gun control has just recently come about and for good reason but to pull off something like this is just a tad offensive to me. These are real grieving families that are being hounded by so called truthers who are demanding that they come forward and admit it was a hoax.

If you watch this video sure it makes sense but a lot of what they were implying was taken out of context. Some of the things in the video that were shown were immediatley discarded but there was a logical explanation. It was ruled out as false and not even considered part of the case.

In a tragedy like this there is going to be a lot of information coming in so if course once it’s validated it’s presented as factual but when you’re reporting on something that is happening second by second everything is thrown out as news even if it has nothing to do with the actual case. It happens all the time.

I personally found the medias handling of this invasive and rude. I didn’t want to talk about it out of respect for the families but once I saw how much effort was being put forth to present this as a hoax I was saddned that people were actually buying into this. These families have suffered enough. They need privacy and respect.

Now I need to move along and expose who “they” are. Remember I was talking about “them” and why there were so many of “them”. I’m sure I’ll get a few comments about this blog and not everyone is going to be amused but it’s ok. I’m a big boy and can take whatever people hurl at me.

The “they” that I’m referring to is of course the illluminati. This is the ancient and shadowy group of elited who control nearly every aspect of life on this planet. You name it they control it and we’re also talking about the New World Order which is also tied into the illuminati. This is their goal. They want a one world government.

Don’t believe me? Check this out
This was in a Disney cartoon called Duck Tales. Walt was supposedly in the illuminati and his signature contained three sixes. Walt Disney was one of those who supposedly wanted a totalitarian government. It gets better. More proof of the illuminati? It’s in your wallet and purse image

That’s supposedly proof of the illuminati as well. Now if this is supposed to be a secret orginazation they sure are leaving a lot of clues laying around. Who knows, maybe it’s a warning of some sort.

It’ such a crazy theory I was once told my vote doesn’t really matter because the illuminati has already picked our president and every single election is rigged. Wait, a damn minute. If this is true they hand selected George W Bush to be our president? Are you kidding me? He was the worst president we’ve ever had and he was hand selected to be our leader?

Stock market crash? Orchestrated by the illuminati to usher in a one world currency. Still waiting for that one to happen. Aren’t they a little late? This idea of us all being brainwashed is a little crazy but we are a little gullible. We perceive every story on the news as fact.

We live in a country that has freedom of the press and free speech yet we don’t use it to our full advantage. Is every news article factual? Of course not but we knew that right? 2+2 doesn’t always equal 4. Do you realize how many people are shot in the head for reading a newspaper? I just want to read the news. Bang!

The idea of some shadowy group of people controlling everything makes sense and we want it to be true. Lord, how we want it all to make sense. Rising gas prices? Illuminati. The illuminati controls everything! Even us! They have made us all puppets and we had no idea!

Now who’s in the illuminati? The pope, Barrack Obama, every president we ever had, the queen of England, maybe the entire staff of Fox News, the Rockefellers. Anyone who has power. Now the sketchy part. These are people that are also in the illuminati. Lady Gaga, Kanye West, Eminem, Rihanna, Jay-Z and this lady who gained national attention for flashing an illuminati symbol Beyonce
Why are these people labeled illuminati? They insert a great deal of illuminati symbols into their artwork etc. Yeah, I know. A bunch of shitty popstars are a part of one of the supposed greatest secret societie of all time. Wait, it makes sense right? They are influential so it makes sense that these performers would be hand selected to spread the message of a new world order.

There are all sorts of messages and clues inserted into popular music including Ke$ha’s Die Young video and that is some serious chizz. It’s full of illuminati symbols. Problem is she’s really hot so I had to watch it twice to actually catch it. The point of this isn’t to expose the illuminati but to get people to think for themselves. Don’t be a puppet.

Hi! Now Take Off Your Skin Part III: The Cheese Strikes Back

     Horror films are a rite of passage. It’s kind of like sex. We always remember our first and always complain about the worst we ever had. I love a good slasher flick. The original Black Christmas, Slumber Party Massacre, and of course the very odd Sleepaway Camp.

      When my brother gave me this box set I just figured I’d plow through the movies and have a bit of a laugh. I have made it through 4 and that may be too many.  Horror has a rich and vibrant history. The Wolfman, The Invisible Man. These are movies that serve as a gateway drug to full blown horror.

     Once I saw a horror movie high. I think it was the best and worst idea we had ever had. Smoke some pot and see a horror film. What did we see?


     This is not a movie you want to see high on pot. It really freaked me out and I have yet to see it again. When you see a movie like this high it sucks you in and you can’t really do a whole lot but go; “Woah!” If I see it straight it could totally suck and ruin what I thought was an awesome movie.

     You couldn’t pay me to get high and watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’d shit myself. As soon as he comes running out with that chainsaw the poops would leave my butt. I couldn’t watch a movie like Friday 13th high either. It would freak me out too much.

      Despite feeling a little sick I did manage to make it through two more movies. These were done by the same director so I figured why not lump them together.



Gorehouse Greats Collection has let me down once before. Blood Mania was pretty terrible but Nightmare In Wax was pretty decent. So how did Terror rate?

     Given the title I was expecting terror but what we have is a British slasher hybrid that drags on and on. It’s a tale of revenge that keeps you guessing until the big reveal at the the end. Quite a bit of blood and a chick actually gets impaled on a tree! Not bad for a film from 1978.

      The film itself hasn’t been remastered but it is in widescreen format. There are scenes that are too dark to see anything and some of the chase scenes drag on too long. If it was done to create tension it failed. I wanted to see mayhem and blood and while I sort of got it it just wasn’t enough.

      The main problem was the story. It just kind of lurched along and any time someone was killed there was that glimmer of hope that it would pick up. Based on the kills I would probably watch it again and would recommend because of the genre that was to come.

      Ok so it took me a couple of days to watch Terror. I kept getting interrupted and the select a scene doesn’t exactly put you where you were. I kept jumping around trying to figure out where the hell I was. Not cool Millcreek. Why not put in more than 4 options?



      How do you evolve horror films? We insert Satan. This seemed promising especially when Dio makes an appearance


       Wait, that’s not Dio, my bad. This was the big opening scene complete with the hot naked chick being sacrificed. There is a lot of nudity but it’s in the context of an attempted rape and a naked chick tied to a tree, branded with a cross, and whipped. You thought your day sucked?

      If you read the blurb on the back of the case the story is about a family that goes to visit an uncle, car going ten miles an hour putters into a tree and then explodes. Come to find out the Uncle wants to sacrifice their niece to some dead chick.

     Kind of interesting but moves like a snail. Not much on horror at all but if you like films that deal with Satan have at it. Keep in mind it’s not all full blown Satan just a creepy uncle who worships Satan.

     The one part that makes this movie is the roof top fall. When the dummy hits the ground it looks like a cake the Cake Boss would make. There’s cherry filling for the arm and mmmmm vanilla frosting for God knows what.

     So these two films showed promise. While I could do less with the slow pace of the film the parts that featured gore were well done. Would I watch them again? If I were high maybe

My Rant Against Violence

     I was thinking today about my last two blogs and how I admitted that I loved horror films. One of my favorite scenes is from a film called Deadly Friend. In the movie a girl who is beaten almost to death and is saved by her best friend putting a chip into her head.

     Anyway the robot hits a woman in the head with a basketball so hard it exploded. It looked like a watermelon rupturing. It was so cool I actually had to slow it down and watch in slow motion. Awesome scene.

     Is there a point here? I think there might be. We often complain a great deal about violence and how it’s affecting our kids, our friends, and even our mothers. How often do you hear right wing wack jobs complian about violence?

      Fact: I have seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at least a hundred times and have yet to wield a chainsaw and rip some people apart. Fact: I have seen the Friday 13th movies at least 50 times but have yet to wear a hockey mask, wield a machete, and kill people. Fact: I have played Grand Theft Auto for more than 8 hours a day for three days straight. I haven’t car jacked anyone.

     Why am I writing this blog? As a horror fan, and video gamer I have to tell parents to watch your kids. Why is it that when someone commits a senseless act of violence the stuff I enjoy is always scrutinized. When horror films in the early eighties came out no one ever thought that it would awesome to visit the nearest camp and stab the shit out of people

     I am a responsible parent. I know my kids and yes I allow them to occasionally watch a horror film. Before I get a ton of comments telling me I’m a bad father you can relax and shut up okay? I unlike a lot of parents have told my kids that what they see on tv and what they play on the videogame console isn’t real. There are consequences if you do anything you see on tv.

     The rule of thumb here is simple. Are your kids mature enough to handle violence? Are they able to see the difference between reality and fantasy? It’s not a video game designer or filmmaker’s job to raise your kids. They are paid to entertain and if your kid can’t distinguish fact from fiction you need to control what he/she is watching.

     As a parent we have a job to do. We have to talk to them, instill morals into them and if a kid acts out and replicates what he sees in a game or a movie it’s the parents fault. We should know what our kids are doing. We should talk to them, and know just how mature they really are.

     I realized when I wrote my blog on horror people would assume I was an idiot without a clear thought in his head. Horror films are entertainment. Do I really enjoy watching people get impaled on trees or gutted like deer? Duh, but I also know that there are laws that tell me I can’t do that nor do I have some insane impulse to slaughter people.

     I’m a very random person by nature. It ain’t easy being me. I listen to Christian black metal and watch horror films. Does that make me a bad person? Of course not. As a parent I’ve learned a great deal. I learned early on about maturity and doing what’s right for my kids.

     We talk a lot about the fictional violence all the time but never mention the real violence. Forget for a second that a child watches a violent movie, or plays a violent video game. Let’s focus on the home for a second. What if a kid is forced to watch his father smack around his mom for not cooking dinner correctly, what lesson is he learning? It’s cool to beat the shit out of women because daddy did it.

      What about the alcoholic parents, the parents that are addicted to drugs? We need to adress situations like that at our schools. The home is sometimes far more violent than a Wes Craven flick. Kids are subjected to violence at home and it’s not coming from the television.

     It’s our job as parents to be open and honest with our kids. We need to teach them morals and values. Hang out with your kids and play some video games with them. For God’s sake just talk to them.