Hi! Now Take Of Yer Skin!

     Little known fact about me. I love horror films. Now when I say horror films I’m talking the cheesy B-rates and the massive big budget production ones. Horror films have always been a huge part of my life. I remember my grandparents and I watching Friday 13th 3D when it debuted on HBO back in 83?

     I have to blame it mostly on my love of reading. In the third grade I became addicted to Stephen King which stunned my teachers. Turns out they weren’t impressed by what I was reading. The big issue stemmed from what they claimed was my inability to understand the subject matter. Huh? Who says?

     They tried to break me and I mean they tried real hard to goad me into a third grade box but I wasn’t going quietly. To appease these beasts I tried to read Beverly Cleary. Too short. Knocked it out in about three hours and it wasn’t as exciting as say The Shining. There was a lot of cool stuff going on there. Beverly Cleary? Not so much.

     In the end I won. Moral of the story? Never let the bastards wear you down. I got into the same situation the following year when I discovered shakespeare. Turns out when you’re in the 4th grade you’re not supposed to read Shakespeare. I had a 12th grade reading level in the 5th grade so once the tests came back they backed off and became impressed.

     Don’t think for a second I’m some kind of super genius because I’m not. I just started  reading early and enjoyed it. I suck at math and science was only interesting if we were blowing something up or dissecting something. I liked to make the frogs dance and scream when the scalpel hit flesh.

     When I was asked if I understood Shakespeare I just looked at them as if they were retarded. Sure, you just make the words modern and it’s easy to follow. I had to give an example. I still read it that way. Thou art a crafty foe would read; You are a crafty foe. Easy breezy lemon squeezy.

     That intro to Stephen King made me crave a visual. I wanted to see horror not just imagine it. No, I didn’t torture animals or stalk my babysitter with a butcher knife. I only do that to the women I want to impress but sadly it never does. They usually run screaming through the woods I’ve taken them to and usually end up tripping over some tree limb. By the time I get to them the blood has leaked pretty steadily from their head wound and I’m always winded and ready for a nap.

     That was a joke people. I discovered horror films. My intro was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was hooked. Some big dude ripping people up with a chainsaw! Oh hell yeah! I was impressed and needed more. Then it just went into Jason, and Freddy and every horror film I could get my chubby little hands on.

     I saw 976-Evil at least twenty times and loved Motel Hell. Motel Hell still makes me chuckle. All those heads in the ground like cabbages. I also discovered that I enjoyed the really cheesy ones that have the porn music and really bad acting. You know you’ve hit a cheesy horror film when the music starts and you’re expecting some naked chick to ask if there are any plumbers around because her pipes are clogged.

     This evening my mother handed me a DVD case and it was huge! Check it out for yourself

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     My brother got it and decided it wasn’t for him. There are 12 films over three double sided discs. Forget quality here it’s all about quantity. For a guy like me this is impressive. I have yet to delve into them because my twins are over this weekend but when I do I’ll be sure to blog about it.

      Ladies? You wanna impress me? Buy me horror films. The cheesier the better. They have insane collections at Wal-mart for five bucks and don’t worry about the titles just bring them to me. The cheesier the better. You wanna sleep with me? Cheesy horror films. You bring me a B-rate horror box set or even a single disc I’m so yours.

     It’s not hard to impress me. Most guys want wine or something flashy I just wanna curl up next to you and watch a few horror films. You want a shot with me? Any horror film will work. The bloodier the better. Since my house fire I’m low on my supply so if you want to ask me out a copy of House Of Wax will increase your odds. I’m okay with the remake and it’s actually one of my favorites.

     I do like to cheer on the bad guys. I watch a zombie flick and I’m cheering on the zombies. I watch a movie featuring Leatherface, Jason, Freddy, or Michael and I’m on their side. Kill scenes are key to a slasher flick so I’m big on the scenes that make you scream; “Dude! That was epic! The dude was impaled on a friggin chainsaw!”

     Am I the only one that does this? It never occured to me that I shouldn’t say that out loud. I just assumed that was the norm for horror fan to cheer on the villians. Why else would we watch Friday 13th 497? For plot and dialouge? Not so much. I wanna see Jason stab some people up!

     The one horror film I could never get into was Child’s Play. Chucky was a doll. He just isn’t scary. He’s just a possessed My Buddy. Any dog or hard kick would take him right out. Why not just rip off his head? You want scary? Look at Leatherface. When you hear that chainsaw kick on you know shit is about to get serious.

     On Sunday I plan on working through this collection of films my brother gave me and I’ll let everyone know how bad they are. You didn’t think they’d be good did you? There may be one or two that are good but that’s asking a lot. I’ll start with Bloodmania and try and work through Terror. I can predict that I’ll be laughing halfway through but when you have a collection like this there’s bound to be some groans and laughter.

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5 thoughts on “Hi! Now Take Of Yer Skin!

  1. I’ve seen almost 400 horror films in my life (and I’ll give you a hint– I’m not that old!) As I’m sure you’d agree, it doesn’t have to be Oscar-worthy to entertain me!

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