The Loveboat Sank

     For some reason I decided to seek out some of my favorite songs. It was a bit frightening due to the last few months of my life being a total rollercoaster. If I had attempted this a few months ago the results would have been puzzling. I may have picked The Talking Heads Burning Down The House (It’s ok to laugh, I did) or after my marriage fell apart I could’ve picked smack Bitch Up.

     Favorite songs are personal and favorites for a reason. I still have no idea why I love The Cars Moving In Stereo so much but I do. We kind of relate to them or just find the lyrics amazing. What makes it so much fun is that I’ve gone totally digital and all that means is that I’m no longer hindered by compact disc.

     I was a little nervous and scared because a lot of these had a lot of personal meaning and spoke volumes about a girl I once was madly in love with but now I feel nothing. As I listened to some of these songs I began thinking about a new woman and that wasn’t the intention at all. It was strange to hear a song and think of someone other than the woman I spent ninteen years with.

     I tried really really hard to avoid songs about love but did you ever notice that most of the songs about love are downright scary? I never noticed how twisted some of these songs were and it dawned on me that people in love are one step away from a restraining order. When did love become so creepy and self loathing? Why is it when we fall in love we lose all common sense and self respect?

     Does love make us blithering idiots or is it the drive to be in a relationship that sucks away who we really are? I had dinner with an amazing woman the other night and I realized that we don’t need to define everything in our lives. Sometimes it’s ok to just go out and have fun without worrying about what it is.

     I truly believe that people are so desperate to meet someone and fall in love that they lose sight of what matters. I was confused because I wasn’t sure if it was a date but suddenly it didn’t matter. What mattered was that an amazing and beautiful woman agreed to have dinner with me.

     Despite the fact that I’m anti-love, anti anything that has to with feelings the fact is anytime I see a chick I’m always trying to move beyond the woman I really want to be with. I got over my exwife so this shouldn’t be hard but it’s downright impossible. I talk to someone and in two seconds I’ve come to the conclusion that this woman isn’t good enough and compare her to the woman I want to be with.

     I have taken an exile from all things related to the dreaded L word. Is it an exile or maybe a vacation? All I know is that there is no escape or exile from it. It’s everywhere and how do take a vacation from something when you are constantly  texting her? It’s bloody impossible.

     I did flirt with a chick at a store this week just because I could. I also remembered the last chick I flirted with and how dissapointed I was. I finally got the balls up to get her number and in two seconds I realize that the bitch was dumber than a bag of hammers. I was deeply saddened by this shocking turn of events.

     I felt as if someone had kicked me in the balls. I was attracted to her, wanted to see her body without clothes on and the woman is stupid. Suddenly, I realized that I wasn’t even attracted to her anymore. Just one conversation ruined it all. As I write this though I’ll admit that I was hasty and would still do her as long as she didn’t open her stupid mouth.

     My thing now is moving beyond the person I truly want to be with and just settle for whomever comes along. I have my eye on yet another cashier and at some point I’m going to get her number and hope that she’s not dumber than a bag of hammers. I just want someone that I can have a decent a decent  conversation with.

     I don’t want a girl that’s all clingy and needy either. If I fail to call every five minutes I don’t want her to call the police and every hospital in a twenty mile radius. I need a chick that understands that I need space and can deal with the fact that I may never love her or marry her.

     As far as what some of my favorite songs are I’m not telling. I can’t because I have a reputation to uphold and I don’t want people to think I’ve gone soft because I. haven’t. I have truly bonded with Get Set Go’s I Hate Everyone



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