Read You Illiterate People

     Now that I use my Kindle app for most of my reading I have become a little nostalgic. I am sprawled out on my bed thinking the same damn thing I always think this time of year. Surprisingly it’s not how great some women will look in shorts or why I find women wearing wife beaters sexy. Those run a close second and third. When spring hits I become a bit like a squirrel but instead of nuts I have been storing books over the winter. The question is what do I plan on reading this summer.

     I love summer because it’s always been my favorite time to read. I used to sit under trees for hours reading. I would think nothing of spending an entire day laying in the front yard with two or three paperbacks within reach. Hardbacks were too bulky but a lot of times that’s all I could get from the library. Gimme a paperback that I could easily carry and I was in heaven. You could always find me and I was usually balls deep in a book.        

     I loved cheesy horror novels and sadly as I grew up that love just transfered into horror films. I used to own a ton of Zebra paperbacks and the one that always stuck  with me is the story about this couple who adopt a kid and she turns out to be a demon or some shit I actually Googled the title and I was half right. The book’s called Jack In The Box by William W. Johnstone. Zebra offered a lot of cheese but there were also some really good books. I wonder how I’d feel about those novels now?        

     Around this time of year I get a little happier. I always thought that winter was my favorite time of year but I get a little antsy when I bounce the clock forward. As a kid Summer was my three months of freedom. The smell of feesh cut grass, the smell of the library. Summer was when I usually discovered new authors. Without school I was free to browse my local Goodwill and various other bookstores to find something that would hold my attention for a few days. Summer was my favorite time of year because I was in charge of my day. I still have fond memories of summer vacations.        

     I know what you’re thinking. Summer is hot, and some people have poor hygiene but so what. People are going to smell and for those who bitch about the heat are the same people that bitch about the cold. I can’t win with you people so I’m not even attempting it. Sunmer is my favorite season for many reasons. The sound of rain as it splatters against the windows and tap dances on the roof of the house. The sound of an approaching thunderstorm and the way a cool breeze whispers through the trees.        

     I do read a lot regardless of the season. As an adult I have discovered quite a few new authors but back when I was younger the summer was the only time I could explore book stores for hours without interruption. Many years later I’m the same way. I go to a book store and easily spend a good two hours trying to find rare shit I read when I was younger or hoping something will grab my attention. The book store is serious chizz and I never take a girl I’m dating. I’ve only taken two amd thankfully I didn’t regret it.        

     I feel the anxiety and I already have a summer reading list compiled. I have always approached the summer the same way. I compile a list of books and usually restructure it in a week. I love a good horror novel but with my love of Bizarro growing I know that my list has evolved this year. It will certainly cause a bit of head scratching.

    What’s on my list this Summer? The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III, Zombies & Other Shit by Carlton. A ton of Richard Laymon which is actually scattered. I have some boxed in mom’s attic and quite a few on my Kindle. I have some Andersen Prunty and Jimmy Pudge to check out as well.

     On the horror front I plan on reading Salem’s Lot for the 40th time, as well as some Jack Ketchum. Hell I may even attempt to clear out my to read list on Goodreads. Summer is full of posdibilities righr?



     I’m starting to write down ideas for blogs so I can somehow stick to one idea. Of course I do have ADD and this could be quite frightening and scattered. Maybe people with ADD shouldn’t blog and if they do maybe writing notes would keep the ideas uniformed. I am guilty of going all over the place while blogging and even as I write this I see a striking women with large breasts and a sweet ass walking towards me. I would like to strike up a conversation and maybe ask her for her number but reality hits and the last thing I need is a leech.       

      I guess relationships would be nice if you left out the nagging and the possibility of a woman going batshit crazy. Just once I would like a woman to ask me where I’m going and I’d smile and say to kill myself. You have officially driven me to suicide you insufferable cow. Who needs all that clingy bullshit anyway? Do we define the relationship or does the relationship define us? When do the edges blur and overlap? How did something so simple become so complicated?      

      I have been in love and I’ve heard the lovesongs. You’re love is like oxygen, or morphine, or an enema. When did love become so painful? When did love become an addiction? Have we always been like this? I can remeber when I fell in love the very first time and sure it was almost like flying, it was pure, and complete. Now we’re like a bunch of heroine junkies looking in the garbage for our next fix. We equate love with self esteem and the feeling that deep down we’re not as fucked up as we think we are.       

      We hear the songs yet never grasp the meaning of it all. I love you, I can’t live without you. When did love become stalking and what the hell were we doing before we fell in love? Why do we need someone to define us? Can’t our dogs or cats give our lives meaning? Is it true that we spend our entire lives looking for love and if so why? I once spent fifteen minutes looking for a pen but I can’t remember waking up one morning thinking that I’d spend my day looking for love. If we stopped looking for it and just let it find us who knows maybe just maybe we’d be a helluva lot happier.        

     As I watched this woman walk away I .was filled with nostalgia and even a little whimsy. I remembered when it wasn’t so complicated and even if I made a mistake it was ok becuse I was still learning. Forever wasn’t a concept I could grasp. I wanted a woman but on my terms and that really hasn’t changed. When did it get so complicated? Just because I chose to be with someone that isn’t demanding or clingy does that make me a total bastard? Seeing this hot piece of ass my animal instincts kicked in. I didn’t think about marriage or commitment. All I wanted was to see her naked. That was it.        

     Women baffle me and confuse me because with them it’s all about control and possession. I don’t want to be controlled or changed into something or someone I’m not. Isn’t that how it always is? For now I need to catch an elevator. This blog has been written in a variety of odd places. Hallways, lobbies, bathrooms and even elevators. I have been writing this whenever I found a free second. hope it made sense.

Anti-Love Guru &’Honesty

     I want to be a self help guru. I see Dr fuck Phil trotting these poor miserable bastards on stage and he attempts to help them with whatever the hell is wrong with them. Shit I could do that. I could motivate people who want to lose weight by randomly assaulting them with frozen turkeys. “How hungry are you right now?” I’d ask and as soon as they answered I’d smack them with a frozen turkey.

     So maybe I’m not cut out for that. I once watched Richard Simmoms and wondered when his nuts were going to flop out of his shorts. All that running he does you’d figure at some point his balls would just tumble out. I wonder how many people
he’s accidently teabagged? How would you work through that? “lemme see you sweeeeeeeeeat” plop. “look at that! I was sweating a little too much. My balls slid right out of my shorts!”

I have been thinking about honesty and how such a concept became a policy that is best. I can tell you that I have pissed off more women by being honest than by lying. I once dated a girl who had. a cute friend. My girlfriend kept asking me if I wanted to sleep with her friend because I was being too nice to her. It baffled me because I didn’t think that was even possible.

I lied. I didn’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings by being honest and admitting that I did in fact want to have sex with her friend. For about a week this kept up and finally I got tired of her asking and I admitted that I did want to bang her friend. We broke up and out of principle I banged her friend.

I learned a lot that day. Everyone says that honeaty is key to any relationship but we all lie. We do it to protect peoples feelings. Too much honesty hurts peoples feelings.We know that when a girlfriend or wife asks of she’s fat there’s no right answer.It’s a trick question.

I have learned that people generally don’t want the truth. what they crave is for someone to tell them what they want to hear. I can’t do that all the time. It’s exhausting and it get worse when you’re married or dating someone. In order to make the relationship work we become someone else. If the other person sees us as we really are they’d run away.

I make a puzzling boyfriend because I have no expectations and refuse to cater to bullshit. I have such varied tates it’s hard to figure out what I’m into. Figuring out what I’m thinking is even harder because it could be sex or it could be nachos. If you ask me what I’m reading could any woman seriously respond to a book called The Haunted Vagina?

Honesty is a slippery slope and has always been a stumbling block for me.. I learned that in certain situations you need to fib a little or at the very least tell them what they want to hear. You have to be careful because once women find this out they get pissed.Some women don’t require this and I thank God for these women.

Honesty is exactly why I can’t be a self help guru. Most of these people need self esteem and you can’t teach people that. It’s something you’re born with. Being a self
help type person you have to believe that there is good in everyone and that is such a bullshit concept. I don’t believe that at all.

Before I wrap this up people are assuming that I’m against relationships because I’m bitter. I’m against relationships because I enjoy my freedom. I like being in control and once you start dating someone they always want to be around you. Why can’t I ever find a woman that will allow me one day to invest in me time?

Does that sound a tad selfish? So what. All of you married people envy me because I’m free to do what I want. You want me to find someone who is clingy and demanding and I say no way. Once a woman becomes clingy and needy I always end the relationship. Nothing drives me crazier than a clingy bitch.

So I know that I would give advice to people that would defy convention. I would cut the bullshit and tell them the truth all the time even if it sucked. You can’t help people by lying to them. It just doesn’t work.

Don’t Date Stupid People

     I haven’t really felt like blogging. Started to read a bit more. I have way too many books which doesn’t seem like a big deal until I began to realize that I have books everywhere. In boxes in my mom’s attic, piled on my dresser and even on a chair beside my bed. I have PDF books that I keep putting off because my Kindle is so full I just keep reading those because they’re handier.

     It all started with a simple goal. A hundred books in a year. Hell, I can do that. I read maybe ten books a week. My Kindle app on my phone has all the titles I really want to read and it’s always on me. Having a Galaxy II is both a blessing and a curse. I’m never bored but I can’t get shit done because I’m either reading or playing Angry Birds Starwars.

     I kept putting off the blog because my bowling adventure ended with me getting my ass handed to me by a hot chick who also tried to kill me with an air hockey puck. I could lie and say I let her win but she’d end up reading this and really bust my balls and not in a good way either. When it comes to air hockey I am a beast.

     Last night I get a text from an exgirlfriend. I get these randomly and always when I’m at my most vulnerable. I could be reading and my phone’ll go batshit crazy. I have to shrink my Kindle app and respond which frustrates me because I hate being bugged while I’m reading.

     You ever get a text from someone and your butthole puckers? You see the name and suddenly think now would be a great time to slit your own throat with a butter knife? There’s only one women I ever get excited about getting a text from. Getting a text from my ex is kind of like slamming my nuts in a car door. Its almost as painful as taking a shit and finding out that your turd has a sharp point at the end of it.

     This women can’t spell or even  write a clear sentence to save her friggin’ life. If you handed a retard a cell phone he could probably text better than she can. Words are in the wrong places and in some
texts its just garbled nonsense. Once in awhile I begin to imagine that I’m having a conversation with Yoda and he’s hammered drunk.

     I try and be polite because with her you have to forget multitasking. She will send five texts and only three contain a coherent thought. Reading is shoved aside and I begin to talk to myself. I brought this hell upon myself. Somehow I thought dating a chick who was unintelligent would somehow work out.

     I didn’t think it through at all and I should’ve. I was in love with someone I shouldn’t have been so I
figured I’d eventually stop being in love with the other woman because I’m with someone else. It didn’t happen and all I kept thinking was now what? You are now with a woman you can’t have an intelligent conversation with and she texts like a retard. You really screwed the pooch on this one.

     When the relationship ended I was giddy. Not only was this chick dumb but she was also fruit loopy. Once in awhile she’d text me and I’d shove away whatever intelligent thing I was doing so I could decipher her gibberish. As I sat there I realized that I learned a valuable lesson. Never date a stupid chick. Whatever you’re interested in they aren’t.

     If you are with a woman and you find that big words cause her eyes to go glassy and drool to drip from her mouth run. Make up any excuse and just run as if your asshole was on fire. Stupid people will exhaust you and you may even think a relationship with a stupid person could work. It won’t. This woman didn’t read, wasn’t at all into politics and wore an American flag tshirt.

     As I filtered through her messages it became clear that she still hadn’t gotten over me. She still hoped that we’d somehow get back together. I actually began sweating as I imagined what it would be like. The reading would stop. I read from at least five newspaper apps that are on my phone. She wouldn’t understand why I spent so much time on my phone.

     In one day I use my phone to check the news, check Facebook, Email, my blog, my bank account and I also read. To her my Galaxy would appear to be a  toy but it’s a link to everything I’m interested or involved in. She’s not interested in anything that I’m into so the relationship was getting a bit stale and boring while were together. Now to date her again would be sheer torture.

     Even if I wasn’t in love with someone else there would be no reason to start the relationship over because we’re just too different. The woman that I love challenges me, she infuriates me at times but when she looks at me I forget my name. For this woman I would stay awake forever just so I could get a text from her.

     Last night I realized that by dating someone less intelligent I was really trying to find a relationship that would be less demanding but it sucked away all my energy and made me miserable. I am attracted to smart chicks and will never date another dumb one again. There’s a reason we’re attracted to people.

     There has to be some common ground or intrest. If you’re with someone to forget someone else or it just seems like the right thing to do it’s going to end badly. Dating a stupid chick was the wrong thing for me to do but I chalk it up to experience and keep moving forward.