I want to be a self help guru. I see Dr fuck Phil trotting these poor miserable bastards on stage and he attempts to help them with whatever the hell is wrong with them. Shit I could do that. I could motivate people who want to lose weight by randomly assaulting them with frozen turkeys. “How hungry are you right now?” I’d ask and as soon as they answered I’d smack them with a frozen turkey.
So maybe I’m not cut out for that. I once watched Richard Simmoms and wondered when his nuts were going to flop out of his shorts. All that running he does you’d figure at some point his balls would just tumble out. I wonder how many people
he’s accidently teabagged? How would you work through that? “lemme see you sweeeeeeeeeat” plop. “look at that! I was sweating a little too much. My balls slid right out of my shorts!”
I have been thinking about honesty and how such a concept became a policy that is best. I can tell you that I have pissed off more women by being honest than by lying. I once dated a girl who had. a cute friend. My girlfriend kept asking me if I wanted to sleep with her friend because I was being too nice to her. It baffled me because I didn’t think that was even possible.
I lied. I didn’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings by being honest and admitting that I did in fact want to have sex with her friend. For about a week this kept up and finally I got tired of her asking and I admitted that I did want to bang her friend. We broke up and out of principle I banged her friend.
I learned a lot that day. Everyone says that honeaty is key to any relationship but we all lie. We do it to protect peoples feelings. Too much honesty hurts peoples feelings.We know that when a girlfriend or wife asks of she’s fat there’s no right answer.It’s a trick question.
I have learned that people generally don’t want the truth. what they crave is for someone to tell them what they want to hear. I can’t do that all the time. It’s exhausting and it get worse when you’re married or dating someone. In order to make the relationship work we become someone else. If the other person sees us as we really are they’d run away.
I make a puzzling boyfriend because I have no expectations and refuse to cater to bullshit. I have such varied tates it’s hard to figure out what I’m into. Figuring out what I’m thinking is even harder because it could be sex or it could be nachos. If you ask me what I’m reading could any woman seriously respond to a book called The Haunted Vagina?
Honesty is a slippery slope and has always been a stumbling block for me.. I learned that in certain situations you need to fib a little or at the very least tell them what they want to hear. You have to be careful because once women find this out they get pissed.Some women don’t require this and I thank God for these women.
Honesty is exactly why I can’t be a self help guru. Most of these people need self esteem and you can’t teach people that. It’s something you’re born with. Being a self
help type person you have to believe that there is good in everyone and that is such a bullshit concept. I don’t believe that at all.
Before I wrap this up people are assuming that I’m against relationships because I’m bitter. I’m against relationships because I enjoy my freedom. I like being in control and once you start dating someone they always want to be around you. Why can’t I ever find a woman that will allow me one day to invest in me time?
Does that sound a tad selfish? So what. All of you married people envy me because I’m free to do what I want. You want me to find someone who is clingy and demanding and I say no way. Once a woman becomes clingy and needy I always end the relationship. Nothing drives me crazier than a clingy bitch.
So I know that I would give advice to people that would defy convention. I would cut the bullshit and tell them the truth all the time even if it sucked. You can’t help people by lying to them. It just doesn’t work.