Random Thoughts At Church

     I realize that I’m supposed to pay attention at church but my mind usually wanders. While others are singing I’ve pulled up my Kindle on my phone and become absorbed in Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho. While eveyone is singing about God I’m reading about Patrick Bateman chopping up a coworker with an ax.

     I stop reading for a minute and begin thinking about the chick with the long freaky ass toes. Why would anyone with weird feet even allow them to be seen in public? I was quite horrified to see that the the middle toe was longer than the big toe. I wondered if other dudes are bothered by freakishly long toes and if it makes me a bit shallow that freakish toes are a deal breaker. What if I meet a chick and she whips off her shoes and socks and she has toes like a monkey?

At this point I hear the song that’s playing and the lyrics were something something you are holy Lord. I wonder if Jesus is offended by that? If you’re writing a song about Jesus wouldn’t it make sense to avoid singing about holes? Isn’t it possible that Jesus is sensitive about his nail wounds and if someone is singing a song about him being holy he may think you’re making fun of him.

It dawned me that when Jesus comes back the first places he’ll destroy are the hardware stores. Any place that sells lumber nails and a hammer are gone. When Jesus comes back no one is building shit. I bet when he hears the sound of a hammer hitting a nail he freaks out. Forget crosses it’s the hammer Jesus fears most.

By this time the singing portion is over and we do the prayer. I often wait for someone to rip a fart. Sure it’s gross but think about it. We just wanna thank you Lord for pfffffffffffft. How would you work around that? Would it be possible to muddle through without giggling? Now the person who farted has to actually pray. “Dear Heavenly father I pray that you forgive me for farting in your house. I thought it was going to be silent Lord and it was loud and I apologize. I pray that those who smelled it Father don’t throw up. Amen”

My mind usually wanders during this part. When I was serious about church and faith I would use this time to meditate but now depending on who’s there I slyly look around. There’s always someone doing the same damn thing and It always embarasses me because I’m supposed to be praying and here I am scanning the room.

My mother seems to think that a woman here has taken a shine to me and while it’s amusing I can’t ask her out. What if she’s really into God? Most of these chicks aren’t putting out until marriage which sucks because I could end up dating her. That means no sex. Not even a tug on my nuts. That’s almost like going to a restaurant and paying your bill without getting any food. Sex has to come up and if she doesn’t plan on putting out I’m not wasting my time.

If she is a serious Christian odds are she’ll want to convert me or quite possibly have me commited. Once she spends time with me I know that once she gets to know me the subject is going to come up. Once she crawls around inside my head she may get a little freaked out. Do I want to be the guy that comes home to find his girlfriend in a corner rocking back and forth?

I’m not evil at all. I don’t have dark thoughts or plan on shoving an empty Coke bottle up her business. I’m just really random and some of the movies and books I’m into may offend her. I don’t need her running to our Pastor everytime I question God’s spot in the universe.

Let someone else ruin her. I can’t be responsible for changing her views on marriage and forever. I know that at the moment I am a tad too cynical for a relationship. When she asks if I love her I don’t want her to be offended when I start laughing. Some people are looking for forever and I’m just looking to be left alone.

As I sat there checking this chick out I decided not to even talk to her. Instead I’ll think about farts and this crazy image of Jesus as a lawn sprinkler. I wonder if that would sell? You’d have this normal Jesus statue but once the water kicks on water shoots out of the wounds on his hands and feet.

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Soulmate?

     I  hate to hear women complain about not having their needs met. Women complain all the time about their needs not being met. Ladies here’s a tip. Stop being so needy. You will never see a man crying on his front steps because his needs aren’t being met. Do you know why? We don’t have any.

     All we want are simple things. A woman that won’t turn into a nagging bitch, someone who is honest and not so fucking needy. That’s how you keep a man happy. How hard is it? If you really want to keep him happy a little head doesn’t hurt.

     Now that I have this desire to remain single for the remainder of my time on this planet people are freaked out. Why would I do something so insane. I’ll be 40 in October and I really don’t think I’m going to find a woman that is good enough to be with me. My biggest fear is that I’ll meet an amazing woman and wake up next to a whiny, needy mega bitch. The kind of chick that makes you want to slit your wrists or even run into oncoming traffic.

     I have been with a lot of women. Fell in love twice. Both times were awesome but now? There’s no fucking way that’s gonna happen again. Sam Kinison once said that his ideal date would be cuming on her back, stealing 20 bucks out of her purse, crawling out of window, and never call her. I always thought that was pretty fucked up until you wake up one day and realize that Sam was onto something.

     When I decided to get married I was young. I loved her and for sixteen years I was convinced that I was doing great until I woke up one day and my wife had ripped my heart out and ate it. I was convinced after that shit ended I was done but sadly I listened to some of the wrong people and dated twice and even fell in love again.

     Now I’m at a point where I know the drill. At my age I can’t afford to be stupid so I avoid women. It really sucks because I was on an elevator with a woman who is exactly my type. Amazing thick body and an ass that jiggled like a perfectly set Jell-O mold. I almost spoke to her but then I remembered all the shit I had been through and I watched her walk away. Even held the door open so I could watch wonderful ass until it dissapeared.

     I have been thinking about how I can avoid people worrying about me. They have this fear that I’m going to die alone. Duh! That’s the point. It’s the whole reason why I decided to quit dating in the first place. For some reason people assume that because you don’t have a girlfriend you’re lonely. I call it happy.

      In order to keep people off my back I have devised a list of qualities a woman has to have in order to date me. It’s not a difficult list just a little thing I created so I have an excuse for being single. Women have needs so it’s about fucking time I came up with my own.

     I want a woman who isn’t too thin. When I’m having sex with a woman I don’t want to feel as if I’m going to break her in two. I move her leg and end up dislocating her hip. Not my Idea of fun. She has to be funny and able to have a conversation about anything. There’s nothing worse than a stupid chick and she has to be atubborn and random. The more unpredictable she is the happier I am.

     Any chick that doesn’t like horror movies is not acceptable. If she finds a Saturday night on the couch eating Chinese takeout while waching horror movies fun have her call me. There are bonus points involved if she reccomends a few movies.

     The last thing is after meeting me she has to text me. If she texts like drunken toddler she’s history. I don’t care if she does meet all the other requirements. If I can’t figure out a simple text she’s gone. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Drives me crazy.

     The only way I’ll date is if she meets all those requirements. At my age I have to be choosey. I should really throw in something about Bizarro Fiction and Splatterpunk because I read a lot of those types of books. If you ask me  if I’m dating I can now say I just haven’t met the right woman.

Playing Well With Others

     For as long as I can remember I have never had a filter. I assumed that people wanted honesty and over the years I have added liberal amounts of sarcasm. My best friend tells me all the time that I’m mean, and rude but I never noticed. I always say the first thing that pops into my head and I have no control over it.

     If you were to have me look at someone who was unattractive I would probably say: “Jesus Christ! Did her neck throw up?” I would then start comparing her to a variety of things. Could be a mud fence, I could say; “I bet she has a lot of trouble getting laid.” You get the picture. I am a total bastard and I have never once apologized for it.

     I love my best friend I do so when she told me to play nice I was stunned a bit. I remembered all those comments from teachers that I didn’t play well with others and I realized that I have never had a filter and even as a kid I would get frustrated with a kid who stuttered and yell at him to say it and not sp-p-p-pray it.

     Now that I’m nearing 40 maybe I could try and filter myself. How hard could it be not give an honest opinion? I needed to remember that there are whiner babies out there with low self esteem that may in fact be offended by my choice of words. Shocking right?

     Playing nice and taking other people’s feelings into consideration is an alien concept to me. Not everyone has a normal self esteem and are comfortable in their own skin. People have feelings and I need to remember that not everyone is like me. Some people don’t get the sarcasm and wit and that sucks but what can I do?

These whiner babies get offended by what I say and run home to momma and suck on her saggy breast and wait for whispered words of comfort. Here I am popping up like an asshole jack-in-the-box forcing all these whiner babies to complain and moan that I’m some kind of verbal bully. These whiner babies that suckle on their mommas titty have no idea how hard it is to be me.

I figured since I am nearing the big 4-0 I need to give up on dating because there’s no way I’m going to find a soul mate or even a relationship that doesn’t make me feel trapped and now I add this shit. Maybe I should have taken up jogging. Would have been a lot easier.

Even as I write this I hear Peanut’s voice in my head telling me I’m not being very nice and I’m failing miserably so I’ll just end this blog because no one is going to believe that I’m trying to change. I’m not a hippy that spouts words of comfort. That just isn’t me so instead I’ll just end this now.

My shopping addiction

     When you mention that you’re a hermit all sorts of images spring into your head. The creepy guy that avoids all forms of eye contact and shyly looks af various clerks and mumbles some sort of phrase that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. These are the scary hermits that have retreated away from society for some reason and most are a result of them being batshit crazy.

     Unlike those creepy hermits I am a hermit that can function in society. I have social skills and have quite often flirted with the hot teller at my bank. To some I’m sure it’s surprising that I have no desire to mingle with people because when forced I’m quite outgoing and yes even
witty and charming. Why would I choose to spend most of my time alone? People tend to bug me. A lot. I hate crowds because you always have that slow plodding asshole in front of that wants to look at everything.

     I have always hated shopping. I accompanied my ex-wife shopping once and it was the longest day of my life. I am organized when it comes to going to the store. I have the routes marked and a list of what I need in my head. The rules change moment I step into a book, thrift, or videogame store. I turn into a shoe addicted bitch.

The same problem always exist though. Pushy or stupid sales clerks, slow people, or kids running around like drunken little midgets. I have this urge to buy a taser and zap each and every hyper bastard that annoys me. The parents are never around. They just allow these kids to run all over the damn place. Maybe I should tase the parents and as they lie there twitching I’ll smile and say; “Watch your damn kids!”

Sadly, there are laws that say I can’t do that and as much as it pains me I have to venture outside. I go to the bank flirt with the hot teller and wonder what her boobies look like without the sweater. Being a hermit isn’t a lonely existence because I do have social skills but what if I didn’t? How dreadful! I can talk to the cashier ringing up my purchases but I’d rather be at home reading or watching a movie.

I thank God for the interweb. It made it easier to avoid human interaction but I remember when I first tried on-line shopping it was a pain in the ass. It took forever for the credit card to be accepted and then you had to wait for it to ship. It would take almost a month to recieve the order and if I could track it I would wait for someone in another state to grab my shit and move it closer to me.

Now I have an app that shows me how much money I have in the bank and no matter how much I spend the balance adjusts accordingly. Now when I shop online I get shipping info immediately and the payment is processed usually before I close my browser. Here’s where my problem lies. I no longer have to leave my house to shop.

Thanks to places like Amazon and Ebay I can now shop naked and have even placed an order while taking a shit. I have become an adict because whatever I’m looking for I know I can find it online and ten times cheaper. I know the shipping and handling is crazy high but I can shop naked! It’s worth it people. I am an addict and I have spent hours on Alibris looking for odd titles that I would have to special order anywhere else.

I have become an addict and I realize that I need human interaction but who cares about human interaction when you can avoid crowded shopping malls and over eager clerks. Can you stroll through K-mart naked? No, and try doing the helicopter in the Dvd aisle when you finally find Strangland. I went to Wal-mart and wanted the movie Sucker Punch and I was directed to what I call the Dvd ball pit.
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My movie was supposed to be here somewhere. Was I supposed to jump in? I almost did and stopped myself when someone found a copy on a shelf.

The convenience of online shopping has made me an addict. There’s no shame or guilt over random dvd purchases. On Ebay you can find whatever you need without walking aisle upon aisle only to discover that they don’t have it. That pisses me off because I walked for well over an hour and they don’t have it. Fucking bastards.

Online shopping takes the frustration out of shopping and allows me to shop when I want to. I can avoid people and stay inside. Finally I don’t have to play nice or strike up a random conversation with a sales clerk. I have never been happier and thank God for the interweb.

Black Sabbath/Random Thoughts

     When I was younger I was never into Black Sabbath. I thought the music itself was amazing in spots but what killed it for me was Ozzy’s voice. To me it had the same effect as nails on a chalk board. It used to drive people batshit crazy because there was some rule somewhere that stated that if you were into metal you had to like Sabbath. It really baffled people but I couldn’t pretend to like them.

     When I discovered Dio someone pointed out that Dio was in Sabbath and I of course had to hear it. My first introduction to Dio era Sabbath was Falling Off The Edge Of The World. I was hooked. You had a litttle sludge but you now had it layered with melody and the whine was all gone! It felt like I was listening to a new band.

These were songs that knocked you on your ass. Heaven And Hell, Voodoo. It was easy to ignore the Ozzy stuff but occasionally some asshole would ruin it by playing War Pigs. It’s overrated and if you have to play it how about playing Supernaut or Lord Of This World?

     I discovered last night while listening to Sweet Leaf that Ozzy’s voice kinda fits into that dinosaur sludge. Didn’t win me over and I still don’t like Ozzy but for the first time ever I saw what the appeal was. Despite that annoying nasal whine it sometimes blends into the overall rhythm of the song.

     I still prefer Dio era Sabbath but I also liked albums like Born Again and The Eternal Idol.  There was that heaviness and yes melody. Could Ozzy ever sing Heaven And Hell? No way but Dio sang Ozzy’s songs better and made them less annoying. There was a distinct sound when Sabbath had a proper singer.

     I went DVD shopping today. Normally I hate shopping but the places I shop at aren’t large places and no one hassles you or gets in your way. You can enjoy the experience of finding random shit Wal-mart doesn’t carry. Plus I like the price of used DVDs. You can buy more.

     As I picked out my stash I thought about something I heard or maybe read. You can learn a lot about someone by looking at their books music and movies. My question is who does that? Not only is that a little creepy but untrue. How can it be? These are random items that enrertain us. How is that even reliable?

     I am an extremely random person and if someone can get that kind of insight on me God bless them. If you base an opinion on me based on my my choice of movies and reading material you’d run screaming or drag me to a priest. I don’t think either of those would help anyway.

I never let people see my Kindle when the books are displayed. I can handle questions about plot or whether it was good are not but some have to ask why I read what I read. It’s no one’s business. You never ask a skinny dude why he married a fat chick so don’t ask about my books. It’s a personal thing.

When we meet people isn’t that the sort of thing that draws us to other people? We need to have common interests or else there’s no reason to talk to peope or even date. I doubt that a woman would judge a dude because he happens to like horror films. It’s a bit shallow isn’t it?

Who knows maybe I’m watching these slasher flicks and plotting my next relationship. I have my dungeon all ready in the basement. Just looking for that special someone I can lock up and scream at her to put the fucking lotion in the fucking basket. I want to be with someone forever and if they’re chained up in my basement they can never ever leave. You people do realize I’m kidding I hope.

Spring ushers in the whiner babies

     You would assume that once the weather turns warmer people would be friendlier or at least warmer and fuzzier but it’s just not the case. If you look at Facebook you would swear that everyone’s totally miserable. What is it about misery? Why does everyone have to pass it around like a disease? Just because someone’ totally miserable it doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. There’s no law that states misery must be felt by your entire friends list.

     Relationships usually die horrible deaths in the Spring. It sounds like total bullshit but it’s true. We spend some of the most miserable months with the same people day in and day out. Once the weather breaks we all feel a little restless and tired. We suddenly have options again.

     My ex-wife seems to think I’m lonely which is total bullshit. I have decided to not date and just because I choose to be single it doesn’t mean I’m secretly wishing I were with someone. It defies logic and pisses me off to think that somehow life has to include someone to share it with.

     With the Spring I have a new sense of clarity and direction. I know that to be happy you have to find some sort of balance. For some they bounce from relationship to relationship simply because they don’t know how how to be alone. They have this fear that if they’re alone they’ll die. I finally figured out that being alone is sometimes essential to be being happy. It’s ok to dig a hole and bury your emotions inside of it. It’s ok to build a wall to keep people out.

     When we go from relationship to relationship how do we know what’s love and what’s mere infatuation? My experience with chicks has been all bad so why in the hell would I keep dating? If I feel as if every relationship I become involved in is going to crash and burn why would I willingly decide to date again?

     The truth is that I don’t know what I want. All I know is that for now I need to get over someone and I’m almost there. Would it be fair to become involved with another woman if I’m still in love with someone else? I have a hundred books to read and a pile of movies to watch so a relationship is the furthest thing from my mind right now.

      My goal this spring is to have as much fun as possible and I’m going to do it alone. Relationships don’t define me. My Kindle is all I need to be happy. It’s cool to know that so many people are worried about me but chill the fuck out I got this.

    

Whatcha Reading For?

     When I decided to read one hundred books in a year I had no idea how difficult it would be. I figured I’d check out my list on Goodreads.com and see just how many books I’ve read since January. I figured I had to have at least hit thirty by now but no, I’ve only read 15 books. I was stunned to say the least.

The more I thought about it the less depressed I got. Some people don’t even read that many books in their entire lives and here I am upset that I’ve only read 15 in four months. These are actual books people, actual books that have anywhere between one to four hundred pages. So maybe 15 is something to be proud of. I have no idea.

The thing I can’t stress enough is that I’m not bragging. I don’t even know why I threw out this idea of reading a hundred books in a year. I’m sure there are even some people who are scratching their heads in confusion. “Why’s he reading anyway? Books is stupid.” That right there is why I read. When I speak I don’t want to sound like some backwoods hillbilly.

I like having intelligent conversations. If I wasn’t intelligent I would be just another sheep worshipping at the alter of Honey Boo Boo. I would find people like Larry The Cable Guy funny and would buy every lie the government ever tried to tell me. I read so that enables me to form an opinion of the world around me.

Thank God I can read so I can write this blog and make fun of certain people. I can make fun of NASCAR and no body says a fucking word. Do you know why? NASCAR fans aren’t big readers. If they were they wouldn’t be watching NASCAR they’d be reading or doing something useful with their time. They don’t read my blog so fuck them. I’m safe.

If you looked at my list on Goodreads the next question would probably be; “You ever read anything normal?” I actually can’t answer that because I would ask you to define normal. Everyone has a different opinion on what normal is. I just read what interests me. For years I have always gravitated toward horror and the darker side of human nature.

We all have this desire to explore the dark side of human nature. I just don’t hide it. I love horror flicks and read books that most people would be afraid to read. If there’s an envelope why not push it? I’ve been on the safe side of the street and I grew bored. I used to be afraid to read certain books because of the narrow minded people that would see it and ask stupid questions.

If we allowed ourselves to think freely and be less afraid of what people thought we’d be a lot happier. I truly believe this with all of my blackened heart. Break free from the oppression the mindless masses and have fun.