My shopping addiction

     When you mention that you’re a hermit all sorts of images spring into your head. The creepy guy that avoids all forms of eye contact and shyly looks af various clerks and mumbles some sort of phrase that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. These are the scary hermits that have retreated away from society for some reason and most are a result of them being batshit crazy.

     Unlike those creepy hermits I am a hermit that can function in society. I have social skills and have quite often flirted with the hot teller at my bank. To some I’m sure it’s surprising that I have no desire to mingle with people because when forced I’m quite outgoing and yes even
witty and charming. Why would I choose to spend most of my time alone? People tend to bug me. A lot. I hate crowds because you always have that slow plodding asshole in front of that wants to look at everything.

     I have always hated shopping. I accompanied my ex-wife shopping once and it was the longest day of my life. I am organized when it comes to going to the store. I have the routes marked and a list of what I need in my head. The rules change moment I step into a book, thrift, or videogame store. I turn into a shoe addicted bitch.

The same problem always exist though. Pushy or stupid sales clerks, slow people, or kids running around like drunken little midgets. I have this urge to buy a taser and zap each and every hyper bastard that annoys me. The parents are never around. They just allow these kids to run all over the damn place. Maybe I should tase the parents and as they lie there twitching I’ll smile and say; “Watch your damn kids!”

Sadly, there are laws that say I can’t do that and as much as it pains me I have to venture outside. I go to the bank flirt with the hot teller and wonder what her boobies look like without the sweater. Being a hermit isn’t a lonely existence because I do have social skills but what if I didn’t? How dreadful! I can talk to the cashier ringing up my purchases but I’d rather be at home reading or watching a movie.

I thank God for the interweb. It made it easier to avoid human interaction but I remember when I first tried on-line shopping it was a pain in the ass. It took forever for the credit card to be accepted and then you had to wait for it to ship. It would take almost a month to recieve the order and if I could track it I would wait for someone in another state to grab my shit and move it closer to me.

Now I have an app that shows me how much money I have in the bank and no matter how much I spend the balance adjusts accordingly. Now when I shop online I get shipping info immediately and the payment is processed usually before I close my browser. Here’s where my problem lies. I no longer have to leave my house to shop.

Thanks to places like Amazon and Ebay I can now shop naked and have even placed an order while taking a shit. I have become an adict because whatever I’m looking for I know I can find it online and ten times cheaper. I know the shipping and handling is crazy high but I can shop naked! It’s worth it people. I am an addict and I have spent hours on Alibris looking for odd titles that I would have to special order anywhere else.

I have become an addict and I realize that I need human interaction but who cares about human interaction when you can avoid crowded shopping malls and over eager clerks. Can you stroll through K-mart naked? No, and try doing the helicopter in the Dvd aisle when you finally find Strangland. I went to Wal-mart and wanted the movie Sucker Punch and I was directed to what I call the Dvd ball pit.

My movie was supposed to be here somewhere. Was I supposed to jump in? I almost did and stopped myself when someone found a copy on a shelf.

The convenience of online shopping has made me an addict. There’s no shame or guilt over random dvd purchases. On Ebay you can find whatever you need without walking aisle upon aisle only to discover that they don’t have it. That pisses me off because I walked for well over an hour and they don’t have it. Fucking bastards.

Online shopping takes the frustration out of shopping and allows me to shop when I want to. I can avoid people and stay inside. Finally I don’t have to play nice or strike up a random conversation with a sales clerk. I have never been happier and thank God for the interweb.


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