Soulmate?

     I  hate to hear women complain about not having their needs met. Women complain all the time about their needs not being met. Ladies here’s a tip. Stop being so needy. You will never see a man crying on his front steps because his needs aren’t being met. Do you know why? We don’t have any.

     All we want are simple things. A woman that won’t turn into a nagging bitch, someone who is honest and not so fucking needy. That’s how you keep a man happy. How hard is it? If you really want to keep him happy a little head doesn’t hurt.

     Now that I have this desire to remain single for the remainder of my time on this planet people are freaked out. Why would I do something so insane. I’ll be 40 in October and I really don’t think I’m going to find a woman that is good enough to be with me. My biggest fear is that I’ll meet an amazing woman and wake up next to a whiny, needy mega bitch. The kind of chick that makes you want to slit your wrists or even run into oncoming traffic.

     I have been with a lot of women. Fell in love twice. Both times were awesome but now? There’s no fucking way that’s gonna happen again. Sam Kinison once said that his ideal date would be cuming on her back, stealing 20 bucks out of her purse, crawling out of window, and never call her. I always thought that was pretty fucked up until you wake up one day and realize that Sam was onto something.

     When I decided to get married I was young. I loved her and for sixteen years I was convinced that I was doing great until I woke up one day and my wife had ripped my heart out and ate it. I was convinced after that shit ended I was done but sadly I listened to some of the wrong people and dated twice and even fell in love again.

     Now I’m at a point where I know the drill. At my age I can’t afford to be stupid so I avoid women. It really sucks because I was on an elevator with a woman who is exactly my type. Amazing thick body and an ass that jiggled like a perfectly set Jell-O mold. I almost spoke to her but then I remembered all the shit I had been through and I watched her walk away. Even held the door open so I could watch wonderful ass until it dissapeared.

     I have been thinking about how I can avoid people worrying about me. They have this fear that I’m going to die alone. Duh! That’s the point. It’s the whole reason why I decided to quit dating in the first place. For some reason people assume that because you don’t have a girlfriend you’re lonely. I call it happy.

      In order to keep people off my back I have devised a list of qualities a woman has to have in order to date me. It’s not a difficult list just a little thing I created so I have an excuse for being single. Women have needs so it’s about fucking time I came up with my own.

     I want a woman who isn’t too thin. When I’m having sex with a woman I don’t want to feel as if I’m going to break her in two. I move her leg and end up dislocating her hip. Not my Idea of fun. She has to be funny and able to have a conversation about anything. There’s nothing worse than a stupid chick and she has to be atubborn and random. The more unpredictable she is the happier I am.

     Any chick that doesn’t like horror movies is not acceptable. If she finds a Saturday night on the couch eating Chinese takeout while waching horror movies fun have her call me. There are bonus points involved if she reccomends a few movies.

     The last thing is after meeting me she has to text me. If she texts like drunken toddler she’s history. I don’t care if she does meet all the other requirements. If I can’t figure out a simple text she’s gone. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Drives me crazy.

     The only way I’ll date is if she meets all those requirements. At my age I have to be choosey. I should really throw in something about Bizarro Fiction and Splatterpunk because I read a lot of those types of books. If you ask me  if I’m dating I can now say I just haven’t met the right woman.

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