Random Thoughts At Church

     I realize that I’m supposed to pay attention at church but my mind usually wanders. While others are singing I’ve pulled up my Kindle on my phone and become absorbed in Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho. While eveyone is singing about God I’m reading about Patrick Bateman chopping up a coworker with an ax.

     I stop reading for a minute and begin thinking about the chick with the long freaky ass toes. Why would anyone with weird feet even allow them to be seen in public? I was quite horrified to see that the the middle toe was longer than the big toe. I wondered if other dudes are bothered by freakishly long toes and if it makes me a bit shallow that freakish toes are a deal breaker. What if I meet a chick and she whips off her shoes and socks and she has toes like a monkey?

At this point I hear the song that’s playing and the lyrics were something something you are holy Lord. I wonder if Jesus is offended by that? If you’re writing a song about Jesus wouldn’t it make sense to avoid singing about holes? Isn’t it possible that Jesus is sensitive about his nail wounds and if someone is singing a song about him being holy he may think you’re making fun of him.

It dawned me that when Jesus comes back the first places he’ll destroy are the hardware stores. Any place that sells lumber nails and a hammer are gone. When Jesus comes back no one is building shit. I bet when he hears the sound of a hammer hitting a nail he freaks out. Forget crosses it’s the hammer Jesus fears most.

By this time the singing portion is over and we do the prayer. I often wait for someone to rip a fart. Sure it’s gross but think about it. We just wanna thank you Lord for pfffffffffffft. How would you work around that? Would it be possible to muddle through without giggling? Now the person who farted has to actually pray. “Dear Heavenly father I pray that you forgive me for farting in your house. I thought it was going to be silent Lord and it was loud and I apologize. I pray that those who smelled it Father don’t throw up. Amen”

My mind usually wanders during this part. When I was serious about church and faith I would use this time to meditate but now depending on who’s there I slyly look around. There’s always someone doing the same damn thing and It always embarasses me because I’m supposed to be praying and here I am scanning the room.

My mother seems to think that a woman here has taken a shine to me and while it’s amusing I can’t ask her out. What if she’s really into God? Most of these chicks aren’t putting out until marriage which sucks because I could end up dating her. That means no sex. Not even a tug on my nuts. That’s almost like going to a restaurant and paying your bill without getting any food. Sex has to come up and if she doesn’t plan on putting out I’m not wasting my time.

If she is a serious Christian odds are she’ll want to convert me or quite possibly have me commited. Once she spends time with me I know that once she gets to know me the subject is going to come up. Once she crawls around inside my head she may get a little freaked out. Do I want to be the guy that comes home to find his girlfriend in a corner rocking back and forth?

I’m not evil at all. I don’t have dark thoughts or plan on shoving an empty Coke bottle up her business. I’m just really random and some of the movies and books I’m into may offend her. I don’t need her running to our Pastor everytime I question God’s spot in the universe.

Let someone else ruin her. I can’t be responsible for changing her views on marriage and forever. I know that at the moment I am a tad too cynical for a relationship. When she asks if I love her I don’t want her to be offended when I start laughing. Some people are looking for forever and I’m just looking to be left alone.

As I sat there checking this chick out I decided not to even talk to her. Instead I’ll think about farts and this crazy image of Jesus as a lawn sprinkler. I wonder if that would sell? You’d have this normal Jesus statue but once the water kicks on water shoots out of the wounds on his hands and feet.


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