Stalking Is A Verb

     Lately I’ve been watching Deadly Women on Investigation Discovery and I don’t think single men should watch this show. It peels away the mystique that women have and show you just how bat shit crazy they can be. If you’ve never seen this show the first thing you notice is how fucking vicious they are.

     Men will just flat out kill you. They will either shoot you or stab you but these women have this down to a science. They’ll pretend that they love you and everything’s cool but they’re envisioning the way that they will kill you. They have it all mapped out including the hour and exactly how you’ll die. They will rember each fight and each comment you made to make her feel insecure and she will think of that each time she’s stabbing you. There you are lying in a pool of blood and she’s screaming; “Not so fat now am I mother fucker?”

     If you’ve never dated a woman this show will make you see every item in your house as a possible weapon. It may even keep you pursuing a relationship. Each time a woman smiles at you there’s the possibility that she is totally off her rocker and will beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat while you’re sleeping. How the hell are you supposed to sleep? Why would you even want to date? You’d be putting your life in your hands.

     I remember watching Fatal Attraction swearing I would never cheat on a woman. That movie left an impression that has stuck with me for a very long time. As I got deeper into this show I suddenly realized being single isn’t a bad idea. Deadly Women makes Fatal Attraction look tame. It used to be that if you were single you were a total loser but now? It means your safe. Being single means I won’t be killed by some psycho Kelly Clarkson fan.

     I think every guy needs to avoid dating or living with a woman who listens to Kelly Clarkson. That woman scares the hell out of me and her lyrics are all about stalking. I predict at some point she’ll be on Deadly Women. It’s inevitable. The news networks would have a field day with her finally going over the edge and killing a guy.

     She’ll have some poor sap tied to a chair and as the camera pans away all you see is blood and piss and there’s Kelly buck naked holding a pair of Gardening Shears.

     “Since you’ve been gone all I could think about is how much I love you. You promised me forever!” The guy starts pissing again as Kelly stabs him and hums Behind These Hazel Eyes.

Relationships are tough as it is but suddenly we’re faced with the possibility that our wives or girlfriends are capable of killing us. My best friend has even offered to make her boyfriend a pillow so she could suffocate him while he sleeps. She giggled when she told me this but it still scared me because I may have to crash at her house someday. She even offered to make me a pillow!

Why are women so emotionally attached? Is it hormones or just the inability to deal with rejection? Each of these women seemed so normal and suddenly they’re dumping their bi-polar meds into someone’s coffee and then as the guy sleeps these women proceed to stab and in some cases rape a dude. If a relationship ends sometimes there’s a logical explanation for it. It happens all the time. Some relationships just don’t work out.

It’s not ok to listen to Taylor Swift and feel sorry for yourself and it’s not ok to stalk someone either. This show gives women some really bad ideas and I wonder if there are women watching this and taking notes. They’ve latched onto some guy they think they can’t live without and when they’re forced to they decide if I can’t have him no one will. They sit around listening to country music or It Will Rain by Bruno Mars and suddenly they have an epiphany. He must be punished.

Dating used to be simple and fun. Every relationship has peaks and valleys but no one should die over a toilet seat that’s been accidently left up. Love should be voluntary not coerced with a butcher knife. We need to stop these shows before more men die. We need to teach women that men sometimes.change their minds. It sucks but it happens.
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Holy crap!

     The other day I got this notice from WordPress saying I had gotten 50 followers. It weirded me out for a minute because all these crazy thoughts startedbrunning through my head. Does this mean I finally have my own cult? Am I like the Charles Manson of WordPress? Healter Skelter is coming down fast! Kill the piggies!

     I realize I spelled Helter Skelter wrong but that was actually written on a door found at Spahn ranch. Did I spell that right? I have to make light of the fact that I now have 50 readers. I never got into this to have a bunch of followers. It’s cool that people are noticing but I just wanted a place to vent and have fun. WordPress has given me that and it has been a blast.

     To all 50 of my followers thanks for reading. I had no idea that so many people were reading and it makes me feel a little weird. No one ever comments and I always assumed I was writing just to amuse myself. I would get likes but I never got comments. I still don’t.

       So the obvious question is now what? Should I pull a Miley Cyrus and twerk every single one of you or pull an Amanda Bynes and go on a bender? The options are endless. The blog isn’t going to change. Sure you’ll have the serious stuff but I have a dark twisted sense of humor as well. I like poking fun at shitty pop singers and I
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     It always amazes me how quickly things change. Everything in life is temporary and there has to be a point where everything either falls in place or falls apart. Nothing ever really falls into place that often and when it does it usually falls apart anyway. The thing that always confused me is this desire for perfection.

     The reality is that there is no perfection. We become happy so we assume it’s perfection. I always strived for something real. Something that made life tolerable and less like a challenge of skill and luck. When I really thought about life and even death I also threw in love because in reality they’re one and the same. I began to see that in life and even love there is no perfection at all. We adjust to someone’s personality and accept it. There’s a cycle that all of our lives go through. Birth, life, and death.

     I thought for a minute that love truly defined who I was but when I looked around I realized that it didn’t. It’s an extension of who we are, who we strive to be, but it doesn’t define us. What does define me? What makes me me? If the answer is love it’s not very defining. In fact it’s quite generic. Other people can define who you are but there’s no way I can define myself.

     As I wrote the last blog I thought about who I am and how as I grow older I started to branch out of my comfort zone and allow myself to actually like a woman but I found out that it may take awhile to find the right person. I thought I found her but I was wrong. Occasionally I am wrong and it sucks but in the end there’s
really nothing you can do but walk away.

     Relationships are extremely weird and far more complicated than they need to be. If you want to be with someone then be with them. I found out that I took a risk, let my guard down and got kicked in the teeth. Unlike a lot of people I didn’t whine or pine away I moved on. There was no other option.

     Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. There’s no way to change it or fix it because there’s no way to fix it. There’s also no reason to ponder the why of it all either. You may as well ponder the reason we all grow old and die. You can also add faith into the category. We all live and die and fall in love. We put our faith in it and hope it’ll work out.

     As I pondered my next move and really looked at how I truly felt I was glad it fell apart because love scares the hell out of me and if she had stuck around I could have fallen and fallen hard. I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful.

The Key To Everything

     I haven’t blogged in awhile and I wanted to see how well my HTC One keyboard handles my fat thumbs. The nice thing is the autocorrect or predictive text. It’s a hit or miss thing because sometimes it puts in the wrong word or tries to censor my swear words. I have seen duck replacing fuck quite often and I finally have it in my dictionary. Is it easy writing a blog on a cellphone? It is.

      I have been thinking quite a bit lately and I noticed that at 39 I still don’t have all the answers. Death is still a mystery and I still can’t figure out the love thing. As a kid I was under the impression that I would somehow become wiser as I aged. Some box would open and inside would be the key to everything. The answers to heaven, hell, life, death, and even love. The key to everything would end wars and make us all wiser.

     The problem though is that once we had the key our lives would longer have the same meaning. There would no longer be any more riddles to solve and we’d create wars and famine just to cure the boredom. With the key to everything we’d all be perfect. We’d no longer need God because with the key to everything we would all be God. Sounds a bit blasphemous doesn’t it? We would build temples to worship ourselves.

      Instead of life becoming simpler as we age it just becomes harder. The questions become deeper and we suddenly realize that we’re all mortal and closer to death each day. We are all decaying and sooner or later we’ll die and then we finally get all the answers. The mysteries will all be revealed. The answers to life and death and even love will all be laid out before us.

       Let’s explore something else shall we? The feelings we sometimes have for women or if you’re a woman it would be a man. I have always been pretty self sufficient. If a woman I’m interested in suddenly drops off the face of the earth I handle it well. I dust myself off and move forward. You can’t make someone like you right? I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes people just need space.

     I met a woman recently that is everything I’ve been looking for. She’s smart, she’s amazing and she gets me. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her but sometimes she just vanishes and for the first time ever I’m wondering if she feels the same way about me. I have never thought about long term at all ever and that scares the hell out of me because suddenly I am. 

     She has made me rethink my views on relationships and I keep wondering is this normal? At thirty nine there has to be a maturity about realtionships and I guess you adapt to some sort of guideline. When I’m with her there is nowhere else I’d rather be. She is my safe place.

     Maybe that’s the key to everything. Finding someone you could spend the rest of your life with. Being in love is a bit like heaven and hell. Being apart feels like an eternity and finding the woman or man you can’t live without is a bit like salvation. Your faults and mistakes no longer matter and when you the right person you feel whole again.

     In the end all we really want is to be accepted and to feel alive isn’t it? We want life to make sense and that’s why question everything. We want it all to make sense and have meaning. We want to be saved from ourselves.