It always amazes me how quickly things change. Everything in life is temporary and there has to be a point where everything either falls in place or falls apart. Nothing ever really falls into place that often and when it does it usually falls apart anyway. The thing that always confused me is this desire for perfection.
The reality is that there is no perfection. We become happy so we assume it’s perfection. I always strived for something real. Something that made life tolerable and less like a challenge of skill and luck. When I really thought about life and even death I also threw in love because in reality they’re one and the same. I began to see that in life and even love there is no perfection at all. We adjust to someone’s personality and accept it. There’s a cycle that all of our lives go through. Birth, life, and death.
I thought for a minute that love truly defined who I was but when I looked around I realized that it didn’t. It’s an extension of who we are, who we strive to be, but it doesn’t define us. What does define me? What makes me me? If the answer is love it’s not very defining. In fact it’s quite generic. Other people can define who you are but there’s no way I can define myself.
As I wrote the last blog I thought about who I am and how as I grow older I started to branch out of my comfort zone and allow myself to actually like a woman but I found out that it may take awhile to find the right person. I thought I found her but I was wrong. Occasionally I am wrong and it sucks but in the end there’s
really nothing you can do but walk away.
Relationships are extremely weird and far more complicated than they need to be. If you want to be with someone then be with them. I found out that I took a risk, let my guard down and got kicked in the teeth. Unlike a lot of people I didn’t whine or pine away I moved on. There was no other option.
Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. There’s no way to change it or fix it because there’s no way to fix it. There’s also no reason to ponder the why of it all either. You may as well ponder the reason we all grow old and die. You can also add faith into the category. We all live and die and fall in love. We put our faith in it and hope it’ll work out.
As I pondered my next move and really looked at how I truly felt I was glad it fell apart because love scares the hell out of me and if she had stuck around I could have fallen and fallen hard. I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful.