Church Adventures

     People are going to start banning me from church I can feel it. I manage to get out of bed hop in the shower and even try and promise myself no blog. It seems everytime I drag myself there I end up with something. This time I wouldn’t write one.

     My mom’s church blended in with another church so I’m surrounded by people I don’t know. There’s some lady randomly yelling; “Yes Lord, thank you Lord.” My first thought was; I wonder if she yells that during sex? How distracting would that be if you’re pounding away and she just starts thanking Jesus. 

     Once I shift  my focus away I notice that the lady in front of me is swatting at her ear and her right arm is shaking. The more I watch her the more I notice all these weird behaviours. She would shake her head or once again swat at her ear. I thought maybe it was a bug but  as she kept doing I realized there was no bug at all.  She was just twitchy.

     Before I had kids and a wife I wanted to be a writer. I would get random ideas from just watching people. You’d be surprised by how many stories I had gotten from watching people. As I watch her I hear; “Yes Lord.” I start panicking because twitchy has become even more twitchy and I start thinking that she’s going to kill all of us.

     This is a  very small building so if she decides to kill because she just got a message from God saying that we needed to die because we’re all sinners I am totally fucked. There’s nowhere for me to go. All the folding chairs are occupied so any hope of braining her with one of those isn’t an option. My cell phone kept bouncing in and out of roaming so calling for help is also out as an option. 

     You read about people going batshit crazy at church but it’s something you try not to think about while you’re there. There I am wondering if twitchy is hearing the voice of God and maybe that’s why she’s swatting at her ear and shaking her head. Is God telling her to mow us down like wheat and she’s resisting because she knows it’s not a viable option? You go to church to serve and worship God not slaughter innocent people.

     Is there anything I’d like to confess? Fuck! I’m not Catholic. Where would I even begin? Knowing my luck I’d be the first one she kills and why not? I am seated behind her so it would make sense right? What nuggets of wisdom would she give to me as she’s pumping my chubby body full of holes? Would I shit and piss my pants?

     What if there was no God? As the walls are splashed with blood and the screams of the dying fill the air this is where all the answers are finally answered. All of these people could suddenly realize that God was a myth like Bigfoot or true love. Once they die and realize there’s nothing will they finally apologize for shoving God down our sinful throats?

     If there is no God this woman just killed a church full of people because she was fucking nuts! Why would God tell her to kill a church full of people anyway? The Bible is full of that shit isn’t? “Hey, it’s God. Kill your mom.” They they’d run home and kill their mother because God told them too. Fuck the commandment that says thou shalt not kill because when God tells you to kill someone you better fucking do it or else He’ll smite you and your entire bloodline.

     I try and focus on the service but at this point I’m fucking lost. I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a pregnant woman seated an aisle over and behind me. Now I’m totally pissed because she’s pregnant and hot. Why oh Lord is this happening? A hot pregnant and a twitchy lady?

     It was at that moment that I realized I am way beyond the help of any church. No priest is going to listen to my confession sober and if he does he’d need a shit load of therapy aftterward. Again, thank God I’m not Catholic. I shift away from all the distractions and wonder why is it that other people can go to church and have no issues but I go and I have no control over my brain?

     If there is a God why in the hell did he curse me with Add? Why do have to think about everything and question everything? Just once I would like to not think or imagine that a crazy lady is planning to make it rain blood and bullets.

     From here on out no more church. I quit, give up, throw in the towel. Let someon else try and write a decent blog about church that makes people feel good and shit. I have failed miserably and I should feel some type of remorse or at least embarrassment yet I feel nothing.

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