I have been separated for two years now. I think next year I’m getting myself a present. I can’t tell you when my anniversary would have been but I know exactly when our marriage ended. I thought it would hurt for some reason but it didn’t. I just woke up one morning and said; “fuck, it’s been two years already?”
I consider myself lucky that I’ve done so well. Some people never let go and always think that they’ll always get back together. That’s really depressing if you allow yourself to be trapped in that scenario. Doesn’t it at some point have to register that the old life is gone? There’s no fixing what’s broken.
Two years is a long time and when I thought about it I knew that certain aspects of my life were exactly where I wanted them while others were way beyond what I expected but life is never really fully balanced anyway. All we can do is accept who we are and where we are. There are no other options. If I looked for more I would probably go bat shit crazy.
No shrink anywhere is going to tell you that life makes sense all the time. He’d be a liar. All a shrink can do is pat you on the head and tell you things are going to get better. What if they don’t? Some people expect life to be elegant and perfect but it can’t be that way without tragedy and heartbreak.
What have I learned in the last two years is that things do actually get better. I have been through some serious shit but life keeps moving. It never stops. Through every personal tragedy there is a lesson to be learned and I truly believe that I have become a much stronger person because of it. The wounds fade but the scars are there as a reminder.
I’ve changed quite a bit too. How could I not? As a single man I have morphed into someone I am quite fond of. I tapped into a darker and more cynical part of myself but I don’t feel bitter. In a situation like mine it’s easy to become bitter. First a divorce and then a house fire a year later. It’s quite amazing that I’m still functioning and I can laugh about both of those now even though they aren’t really all that funny.
When I look back at who I was before and who I am now I see more confidence than I had before. I walked away from religion and saw that I could live a life separately from who I thought I wanted to be. I’m ok saying that I have no idea what tomorrow’s going to bring and I’m ok with that. I don’t panic about the future amymore and rarely think about it.
I don’t have that fear of dying alone or never finding a woman that will bring peace and balance to my life because I don’t think she exists. I don’t believe in love anymore and if I end up totally alone for the remainder of my life I have become ok with it and don’t mind that there isn’t a woman out there for me.
To morph into someone your happy with is an amazing concept. So many people will list shit that they want to change and stride toward this version of themselves that they think will somehow make them happier. They run toward religion or relationships thinking that’s the missing piece but the missing piece is happiness and being comfortable with who you are, not what you can become.
As I close this blog there’s no advice that I can give you or pearls of wisdom that will make life easier or more meaningful. There are no right answers or even perfect relationships. Don’t rely on God for guidance is really all I have. God will fuck you up and make you lazy. We’re taught to rely on God for everything but sometimes you just have to do it yourself. God will let you down because that’s just how religion works.
So that’s all I have for advice and now I am going to continue and ponder on how I’ve been separated for two years.