I feel compelled to write a new blog, but have no ideas. None. I have a new tablet, a bigger screen, but all I see is this massive white screen that I somehow have to fill with words. It’s a weird position to be in and want to wish this predicament on everyone. I want to take away away everyone’s ability to think for just a day or so. Imagine everyone walking around with a blank expression on their face and drool running out of their mouth. Wait, too late it’s already happening. We are a nation that has moved away from thought and have to rely on Netflix and apps to keep us amused. I’ve noticed that as I get older the word boredom has kind of been removed from our vocabulary. With technology the way it is there is an app for everything. You have unlimited choices now and I think for some people that’s a bad thing. Apps can make you appear as if you’re kind of smart even if you’re a fucking dumb ass. A lot of morons are walking around looking for places to eat based on other people’s reviews. Just a bunch of mindless consumers looking for acceptance.
I’m not bitching about technology because I use my cell phone and tablet for everything. I use it for the news, my Kindle, and even this blog. I refuse to use it to find a place to eat unless I’m lost. I just want to know what’s around me and don’t really care about overall experiences or the restaurant’s decor. I’m like everyone else though and I want my gadgets to entertain me. I want to play stupid games like Flappy Birds while I’m working or waste some time playing Farm Hero Saga. What I like now is that I can spread sarcasm on Facebook. I was getting really tired of all these positive memes popping up on Facebook s I like that I can be an asshole and send shit that just fucks with people.
I truly think in our new safe society it’s okay to be rude and politically incorrect. You have to to be a dick sometimes. I miss the days when people were unafraid to say what was truly on their mind without worrying if someone was going to be offended. I never worry about it because it doesn’t matter. Facebook has an unfriend button so if I say something that offends someone I don’t want them to be a whiny fucking bitch, just piss off and go bother someone else. I have shit to do and lived in a time when people weren’t pussies. Being politically correct makes you a pussy. Anytime you have to censor yourself or think before speaking you have lost your ability to speak freely. Shut up and sit in a corner somewhere. What hurts worse a word or a brick? Think about it I’ll wait. Society as a whole is losing their grip on reality and it kind of concerns me.
I have noticed that since turning forty it has really messed with me mentally. I don’t usually get depressed or bothered with things that are beyond my control but I look around and see that people my age are way farther along than I am. They have the houses and career on lock down and have a comfort in where they are that I haven’t had in a very long time. Here I am at forty and I don’t have shit. I lost my house a year ago and I’m still living with my mom and the job I have doesn’t challenge me anymore. As far as dating or even marriage goes I don’t even have that under control. I have given up on relationships because I always screw them up and figure for the time being I need to stay away from dating. I don’t want to be one of those people that go from one failed relationship to another with this insane idea that this time it’s going to work. I know me, I know what I’m capable of doing so I just don’t attempt to date.
I hit this funk and I can’t even tell you why or when it started. I just woke up one morning and realized that I’m forty and have nothing to show for it. My marriage went south, I lost my house and all of my belongings in a fire but everyone else my age has worked hard and have accomplished way more than I ever have or will. The fucked up thing is that it would take a really long time for me to get back on track and be where everyone else is. I have accepted that I won’t be as rich or as together as everyone else and that’s okay. I just want to stop settling. I hit a wall at some point and didn’t even realize that I had settled. My life had gone into a strange free fall and I never realized it. I faked being happy for so long I just didn’t realize how unhappy I had become.
I fell into a routine of waking up and plowing through the day and assumed that I was happy. It wasn’t until I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn’t happy at all. Everything just fell into a pattern of work, reading, and watching movies. That was enough for me and it still is. I try and avoid women because I know how much of a fuck up I really am and don’t feel that it’s fair to drag anyone else into my insanity. I look at relationships as a hindrance anyway and know that after a few months or even a week I’m going to ruin it anyway so I just don’t attempt to date or show any interest. It’s much safer that way. No one warned me that I would feel like this once I turned forty. I never thought in a million years that I would be unhappy with where I am.
I’m fine with me as a person I just don’t like feeling stuck. The thing is that I’m sure I’m not alone. We all hit a brick wall and wonder when our lives had veered off course. There’s no pill to take to make it go away. I guess the only thing you can do is just keep waking up every morning because things will eventually fall into place. They can’t remain stagnant forever There’s going to be a moment when things click into place and everything will feel as if everything is finally together. I can’t say when that’ll happen but someone has to have been where I am. All I can do is keep plowing through this shit and plaster on a fake smile. My smile is there I just have to find it.