Higher Than God

     It’s been a crazy couple of weeks but now it seems as if things are finally settling down or depending on how you look at it it could also be gearing up to be totally crazy again. I’ve been talking about the new book for awhile and it is now available on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe/dp/1461016002/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1401314012&sr=8-2&keywords=Michael+Noe. Follow the link and grab yourself a copy. I’m really proud of how it turned out and I still feel like I’m going to puke. You can also follow the official Facebook page here. https://www.facebook.com/evillives?ref=bookmarks. If you’re a fan of splatterpunk you’ll dig this. I have to be honest though and say that when I first saw the book on Amazon it was pretty fucking cool and I’m extremely lucky to be a published author.

    I finally moved out of my mom’s and it’s starting to feel like home. I am sitting at my own kitchen table writing this blog. It took a long time to get to this point but it was well worth it. There always comes that point where you look back and see the journey you’ve made and ask yourself if you had a chance to do things all over would you? It would be easy to say of course because the last few years have been rough but would the outcome be the same? If I had the chance to change things and be totally happy would I still be here in this moment happier than I’ve ever been and feeling vindicated that I refused to quit? I earned my scars and I display them proudly so the answer is no, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I would gladly go through the same struggles and agony because I’m not a quitter. I wouldn’t know how to adapt to where my life is now without the heartache and struggles I have gone through.

     I have to talk about the apartment because if anyone has lived in an apartment complex no matter how big you have to  deal with a lot of shit and you have to  have a sense of humor about it.  I have neighbors that love to stare and I call them the welcoming committee. They have yet to bring me a pie or a casserole but I’m waiting patiently,  These are the people you avoid because no matter what goes on here they know about it. They know who you’re fucking even if you haven’t fucked anyone yet and they also know how many people visit your apartment on any given day. When I first moved in I thought that my dick was exposed or something because they were gawking at me the entire time. I have thought about buying assless chaps for my trips to the dumpster and mailbox. What scares me is that they live right on the end so I can’t even sneak into my apartment after a night of drunken sex.

     I’m a hermit by nature and because of my work schedule it’s impossible to know when I’m home. In any apartment complex you have that creepy guy that no one sees and when you do it’s like hitting the lottery. I’m that guy! I come and go at odd hours and I’m expecting one brave neighbor to venture over just to make sure that I’m not storing body parts in my kitchen. I’m expecting my shipment of books on Monday and that should add to the mystery a little. I can already hear the discussion already. “He’s never home and just today he got a box delivered to his door. I bet it’s a bomb.” I’m sure at some point I’ll meet my neighbors but with the book and the job and the new girlfriend the neighbors are the least of my worries.

     There are a lot of kids here and it drives me nuts when they stand outside of my apartment and scream. I have no idea why they feel the need to stop by my window and scream but I want to thank them for acting like assholes. I have a playground next door so I expect them to run around like drunken little midgets but Jesus Christ have some respect. I have zero patience as it is and sure, I have kids and I love them but I hate every other kid I come in contact with. They have no quiet voice at all and as they run around they feel as if the entire neighborhood should be aware of their presence. I don’t want to hear that shit while I’m watching a movie and I don’t run around their apartment acting like an asshole. I am getting older and expect a level of not just respect but privacy so kindly get the fuck off of my lawn jack ass!

     Maybe, just maybe these kids are in cahoots with their mothers. You know the women that are trying to find a baby daddy? Apartment complexes like these are perfect for late night booty calls and any women that sees a single guy gets a little excited and prays to God that this could be the one. You  know the guy that sweeps her off her feet and declares his love for her on the jungle gym. Having sex with a single mom is tricky because they aren’t looking at just today or even a week from now, They want to marry you so you can be their kids baby daddy. These are evil vile women that wear sweat pants and wife beaters to attract a man and once he’s snared game over. You wake up and the kids staring at you and asks; “Are you my new daddy?” If that ever happens just fucking run. Forget the pancakes and just get the fuck out. That bitch is already planning your wedding. You may as well just move in at that point.

     I did start dating again which is probably upsetting to the single women that live here and are looking for a baby daddy. My girlfriend will never be invited over for tea or get to gossip with the gawkers. By coming into my apartment at random times she has probably fueled a great deal of gossip which I find amusing as hell. Let me talk to the dads for a second because you’ll be able to relate to this, When you’re a prime target for gossip and you have the girlfriend over and your ex-wife drops off the kids doesn’t it make you giggle because you know they’re trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. There are strange women going in and out of your apartment so what do you do? If your me you walk with a slight limp. My girl is amazing and it’s made this whole move easier and a lot more fun. It kind of sucks that the neighbors see her coming and going so much yet they have never said hello.

    I guess for awhile these blogs are going to be a lot of fun to write. I have the apartment and the girlfriend and the book. I have a lot of shit to get into so the adventure begins again. If you’ve read this blog in the past you’ll remember that I wrote about all sorts of crazy random  shit. This time it’s a bit different because I have lived on my own but this time it’s all about readjusting and finding a balance that works. The book and the apartment kind of fell together quickly and at the same time so I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I have reconnected with an amazing woman who is exactly what I’ve been looking for but this time she’s a mystery that not many people are going to read about. The big question is has she read the blogs? Yep she has and she’s amused by them and yes she’s read the book and knows all about me yet she hasn’t run screaming which is awesome.

    

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Happy?

     Have you ever tried to write a blog with a clear concise theme but your thoughts are racing a hundred miles a second? By some kind of fault in my genetic make up or maybe just through past experience I have not been one of those people to embrace the fact that life doesn’t always have to suck. I have the scars to prove that life will fuck you up if you’re not careful. It will turn on you in a second. I’m not a positive person and I have a reason not to be. I have been fucked over, shit on, and have even been in relationships that leave people wondering if I’ve lost my fricking mind. I just assumed that once I hit forty life would align and suddenly I would be somehow be wiser, Not the case. I have learned not to trust anyone, that sometimes dating stupid women can be harmful, and just because you’ve reached a certain age there are no guarantees. Life happens and no matter how mature you are you still look around at people who are doing better than you and you instantly hate them. They made the right choices while you just made the wrong ones. The wrong choices sometimes turn out to be the right ones. If our lives had somehow turned out differently or maybe better, would the people who we love and care about still be involved in it?

     I know what you’re thinking. Is there a point to all this? Hell, I don’t know. I just needed to write this to put things in perspective for myself and if someone can pull something out of this to apply to whatever they’re going through great but the thing to remember is that a lot of times I’ll write a blog just to keep myself from going bat shit crazy. There are too many people looking to others for answers but the problem is that you have to look withing yourself and find the answer. You have to have the balls to do what you think is right. is it always going to work? I am proof that it doesn’t but I at least had the balls to try it and follow my instincts. Forget looking to God or some other higher being to give you the answer. It’s cowardly. I am proof that you don’t need God to have a happy, healthy life. I have achieved more in my life without God than I did when I followed him. Am I an atheist? No just a guy that sees God as a nonissue.

    So here I am after three years being some of the most painful and enlightening times in my life. I had grown accustomed to my life being shit and I never really expected anything different. At forty you view the world a little differently and just begin to expect things to stay as they are. I figured at some point I would finally move out of my mothers but it was always an issue of money. We all know that the economy is shit and the more we work the less we make, I am a proud card carrying member of the working poor so I get that people are struggling just to make enough money to keep their lights on for another month. The thing is I only complained when I got tired of moving forward and never gaining any traction. I had become like a lot of people and was just existing. Life really wasn’t all that interesting any more but what the fuck are you going to do? You have no choice but to wake up every day and just survive. That’ s all you can do.

     The book being published was a high point because it was something that I always wanted to achieve but then all these other doors started opening and I began to feel overwhelmed. I also finally found an apartment and next week I’m finally moving out of my mother’s house. So not only do I have a book coming out mid June but I’m packing and getting ready to move into a new place. All this things are happening all at once so of course I feel as if the bottom’s about to fall out. My life has never been a steady diet of positive so it’s hard to stay optimistic and just enjoy it because I know how my life usually goes. Everything at some point implodes and I’m left charred and scarred. How do I enjoy it without all of the doubt and fear? I can’t . It’s not how I’m wired. I can’t just wake up every morning and say: “Life is good.” And skip through my day.  I’m listening to Stabbing Westward’s Everything I Touch and that seems to be the soundtrack to how my life usually turns out. I think I can relate to most of Stabbing Westward’s songs because I see myself in a lot of those songs.

     Here’s the story so far and you can see why I’m a little overwhelmed. I write the novella and it’s picked up by Morbid books, and then I would say maybe a week or two later I get a call about apartment and I look at it and take it. Very nice apartment in a quiet neighborhood, The cool thing is that I can finally see my kids more. Now I have a book coming out and I’m balls deep in packing and I am happy for the first time in a long time. As if that wasn’t enough I reconnected with someone and I am trying to hold it all together so I don’t rush in and fuck that up because she is exactly what I need as a person. She’s intelligent, she’s pretty and someone that I can talk to about anything and she gets me which is important. I need someone in my life that gets me.

      As I look around at the boxes and the reality washes over me I can honestly say that I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have to fake it and Jesus that feels good. At forty I can finally say that my life is exactly where it should be, It’s taken a long time to get to this point. A marriage breaking apart, a fire, a bunch of failed relationships that I have sabotaged all because I was freaked out and scared, I am going to enjoy the ride and hope that the bottom holds together for awhile longer. 

Hello, wanna see a magic trick

     I would love start out this blog and be a total dick. It would be a lot of fun to be a douche bag who is so full of himself that people would actually send me hate mail. I read somewhere that someone had actually shit in a box and mailed it to the person they hated. That’s a lot of fucking hate. You really have to hate someone a lot to take a shit in an empty box and mail it to someone. That speaks volumes. That’s a lot of hate. There were no words. Just the shit. I guess words aren’t needed in a situation like that. Do you wake up and think; “Screw that motherfucker! I’ll show him!” Would you take the box into the bathroom or just kind of hover over it in the living room? Then you have to decide between bubble wrap or packing peanuts. Packing peanuts would really put an exclamation mark on the hatred. Imagine digging in and discovering there’s a shit in the box!

     My favorite way of showing hatred is bottling. Bottling shows a band that they suck. They start playing and all of a sudden it’s a sea of bottles headed toward the offending band. Sometimes the bottles are actually filled with piss and one band was pelted with shit. Think about it for a second. Some one took a shit in their hand and threw it at a band that wanted nothing more than to play music for a bunch of people. You really have to hate a band a lot to stop and shit in your hand just throw it. That’s some serious dedication. People are really bummed about the bottling but I figure if you pay to see a show and a band on the bill sucks why not cut their set short? You paid good money to see good music so take the piss to the shitty bands.

     I can’t  be an asshole or a dick because it’s not who I am. Am I sarcastic and a bit dark? Sure but I could never just become someone I’m not. That takes balls. The reason I’m writing about this is because I recently discovered that my book is being published. Part of me wants to write that in all caps and a lot of swagger. It’s really mind blowing to know that I have a book coming out and I love that it’s through an indie publisher. I support indie publishing and to be a part of that is pretty fucking cool. I’m in a group of writers that write because they enjoy it. They still have real jobs because their books may have an audience but it’s a small one. I just hope that someone likes my book enough that they’ll actually buy it. It’s weird to think that my book will actually be on someone’s Kindle or backpack. It’s humbling to think that of all the books they could have bought they decided to buy mine.

     I want to be the kind of writer that interacts with his fans. The people that bought the book are important to a writers growth and if you’re a dick to those people they’ll remember that shit and when the next book comes out odds are they won’t buy it. Deep down I’m still a fan of books so nothing has changed for me. It’s a little nerve wracking because I have no idea how people are going to react to it. That’s something I think about a lot but so far the general consensus is that it’s good and the parts that I giggled at, they’re giggling at. It shows that my sick sense of humor is shared by others.

     Now that I have a book being published are there any other goals I’d like to accomplish? Of course there are. Have you seen how hot Kat Dennings is?

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That is one of my goals. Never going to happen but it’s nice to have goals. Goals keep us grounded and make life fun. If I were dating I could never tell you that she’s one of my goals. If I do ever date will Kat no longer be a goal? If I meet a woman that interests me then Kat will be removed along with my second goal

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      For now all I can do is mentally prepare for my book to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that I not only wrote a book but a publisher liked it enough to release it. I am now a published author. Does it change anything? Nope, cos there are people out there who don’t do a lot of book learning and there are also those who tend to steer clear of the splatterpunk genre. They have weak hearts or stomachs or something, I dunno. There is an audience for the type of stuff I write which is good. If there weren’t I wouldn’t be writing this blog. The big question now is what do I do? I’d like to go to Disneyland but I can’t afford it.