Happy?

     Have you ever tried to write a blog with a clear concise theme but your thoughts are racing a hundred miles a second? By some kind of fault in my genetic make up or maybe just through past experience I have not been one of those people to embrace the fact that life doesn’t always have to suck. I have the scars to prove that life will fuck you up if you’re not careful. It will turn on you in a second. I’m not a positive person and I have a reason not to be. I have been fucked over, shit on, and have even been in relationships that leave people wondering if I’ve lost my fricking mind. I just assumed that once I hit forty life would align and suddenly I would be somehow be wiser, Not the case. I have learned not to trust anyone, that sometimes dating stupid women can be harmful, and just because you’ve reached a certain age there are no guarantees. Life happens and no matter how mature you are you still look around at people who are doing better than you and you instantly hate them. They made the right choices while you just made the wrong ones. The wrong choices sometimes turn out to be the right ones. If our lives had somehow turned out differently or maybe better, would the people who we love and care about still be involved in it?

     I know what you’re thinking. Is there a point to all this? Hell, I don’t know. I just needed to write this to put things in perspective for myself and if someone can pull something out of this to apply to whatever they’re going through great but the thing to remember is that a lot of times I’ll write a blog just to keep myself from going bat shit crazy. There are too many people looking to others for answers but the problem is that you have to look withing yourself and find the answer. You have to have the balls to do what you think is right. is it always going to work? I am proof that it doesn’t but I at least had the balls to try it and follow my instincts. Forget looking to God or some other higher being to give you the answer. It’s cowardly. I am proof that you don’t need God to have a happy, healthy life. I have achieved more in my life without God than I did when I followed him. Am I an atheist? No just a guy that sees God as a nonissue.

    So here I am after three years being some of the most painful and enlightening times in my life. I had grown accustomed to my life being shit and I never really expected anything different. At forty you view the world a little differently and just begin to expect things to stay as they are. I figured at some point I would finally move out of my mothers but it was always an issue of money. We all know that the economy is shit and the more we work the less we make, I am a proud card carrying member of the working poor so I get that people are struggling just to make enough money to keep their lights on for another month. The thing is I only complained when I got tired of moving forward and never gaining any traction. I had become like a lot of people and was just existing. Life really wasn’t all that interesting any more but what the fuck are you going to do? You have no choice but to wake up every day and just survive. That’ s all you can do.

     The book being published was a high point because it was something that I always wanted to achieve but then all these other doors started opening and I began to feel overwhelmed. I also finally found an apartment and next week I’m finally moving out of my mother’s house. So not only do I have a book coming out mid June but I’m packing and getting ready to move into a new place. All this things are happening all at once so of course I feel as if the bottom’s about to fall out. My life has never been a steady diet of positive so it’s hard to stay optimistic and just enjoy it because I know how my life usually goes. Everything at some point implodes and I’m left charred and scarred. How do I enjoy it without all of the doubt and fear? I can’t . It’s not how I’m wired. I can’t just wake up every morning and say: “Life is good.” And skip through my day.  I’m listening to Stabbing Westward’s Everything I Touch and that seems to be the soundtrack to how my life usually turns out. I think I can relate to most of Stabbing Westward’s songs because I see myself in a lot of those songs.

     Here’s the story so far and you can see why I’m a little overwhelmed. I write the novella and it’s picked up by Morbid books, and then I would say maybe a week or two later I get a call about apartment and I look at it and take it. Very nice apartment in a quiet neighborhood, The cool thing is that I can finally see my kids more. Now I have a book coming out and I’m balls deep in packing and I am happy for the first time in a long time. As if that wasn’t enough I reconnected with someone and I am trying to hold it all together so I don’t rush in and fuck that up because she is exactly what I need as a person. She’s intelligent, she’s pretty and someone that I can talk to about anything and she gets me which is important. I need someone in my life that gets me.

      As I look around at the boxes and the reality washes over me I can honestly say that I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have to fake it and Jesus that feels good. At forty I can finally say that my life is exactly where it should be, It’s taken a long time to get to this point. A marriage breaking apart, a fire, a bunch of failed relationships that I have sabotaged all because I was freaked out and scared, I am going to enjoy the ride and hope that the bottom holds together for awhile longer. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s