I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

     Now that I’m a published author that shit comes out often from other people. I don’t say it because no one knows the fuck I am. I wrote an extreme horror novel that gets very little  publicity. Let’s face it when I tell people what genre I write in they get this blank look on their face and when I mention that it’s quite violent they regretfully tell me that they’re not really into that type of fiction. I’m not bitching and I’m quite proud to be in a genre with people like Richard Laymon and Edward Lee. If the book ever sells I look forward to those questions that ask me why I feel the need to be so violent and do I ever feel that I’ve gone too far? I walk out of my apartment wearing my Exorcist T-shirt and no one knows that I was the guy that wrote Legacy. It would be cool to be recognized but the truth is that I’m an indie author that still works a full time job. Nothing has changed and thank God for that, When you get a bit of notoriety people automatically think you’ve changed or have some new attitude. What’s funny is that when people find out I have a book published they think I should announce it. I should just walk into the grocery store and yell: “Who got a published? That’s right bitches. This guy!”  No one gives a shit because no one reads and if they do they don’t read my type of fiction. If I were a type of movie I’d be low grade porn and if I were a type of music I’d be black metal but not the shitty kind.

     If I had written a romance novel I’d be raking in the bucks. Romance novels sell because soccer moms and bored housewives need a book full of fucking, You don’t even need a plot for that shit just a cowboy or a knight and a princess or a dirty little slut trying to change her life but can’t stop fucking. Every scene would be full of sex. She’d be grocery shopping and drop her list and some random dude would show up and start banging her in the deli aisle. Shit, to write a romance novel you just have to think like a woman. Imagine that you have a vagina and bam. Soccer moms want to feel all hot in the ass and to forget about the kids and the husband that finds farts funny. Women like the idea of romance and guys have dicks so we tend to not be romantic. Why do you think they make us watch chick flicks? They want us to make them swoon and to feel that they haven’t gotten into a relationship with a caveman. In romance novels the guys never pull out their cocks and say; “Wanna touch it?”  The women always get their clothes ripped off and are bent over kitchen tables and talked to as if every moment is full of sex and sweat. If I had written a book like that I would be the shit and soccer moms would flash me their tits.

     Instead, I wrote a novel about a serial killer. I actually send pictures of drills and jack hammers to my girlfriend asking if I can buy one. It’s gotten to the point where she reads the new manuscript and tells me we aren’t allowed to have a hammer. Ever. I can’t even watch her sleep. The crazy thing is that this woman loves me and loves that I write shit that scares the hell out of most women. Sure, I’m not allowed to own power tools or handle anything sharp and pointy when she’s around but she fucking loves me and that is awesome. When I’m writing and she hears me giggle she asks me what I’ve done this time and I love that if I feel that a certain scene is total shit she’ll give me an honest answer. Most women won’t be honest with you because you’re the writer and they don’t want to offend you but she doesn’t care. She loves my book and isn’t mortified by the violence. I have the best girlfriend ever. I am lucky to have someone who not only gets me but gets why I write what I do. When I got published I swear that she was more excited than I was.

      I found my hot nerd and damnit she may not be familiar with splatterpunk but she’s trying and that’s fucking awesome. Of course there’s a trade off and I have to learn about Dr Who and Harry Potter but if you date a nerd you have to sit through the Avengers. I do this because I love her and she puts up with the horror movies and all out weirdness that I write. Relationships are all about equality and I may not dig Thor but I dig the way she feels in my arms so I will watch that shit over and over again. I have never read a Harry Potter book but if it makes her smile I will read that shit. She’s reading Richard Laymon so of course I’ll read Potter. I will read Potter and not bitch I swear. That will probably be my next blog. Fuck Harry Potter. The main thing is that I’m dating a hot nerd. A woman that I can have an intelligent conversation with and ask who shot first? Han or Greedo and she’ll get it.

     I also have to talk about the new apartment and the fact that for an entire month I was extremely broke. So broke that I my paychecks were gone as soon as they hit the bank. I had the starving artist thing down and can tell you that it’s a real thing. I know what you’re thinking: “You’re a published writer how is that possible?” I write extreme horror. If I wrote about busty maidens getting fucked every other page I’d be rolling in dough but I write about a dude that slaughters people so you can see right off Oprah isn’t inviting me to be a part of her book club. If you guys don’t follow this link and buy my book no one knows it exists. If no one reviews it no one is willing to part with their hard earned money and take a risk on a new author. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe-ebook/dp/B00KKNRPQ4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405064744&sr=8-1&keywords=Michael+Noe  there’s the link. Check out Legacy and leave a comment if you’ve read it and check me out on Goodreads and like my author page https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8289470.Michael_Noe



16 thoughts on “I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

  1. Hey. You reviewed my book. I want to bridge a deal with. Read your book, maybe help one another as creative forces. Maybe we chat or something?

  2. Hi! I loved this post! it was honest as hell and so true. and as a fellow just published author, I agree that unless you do erotica or have a deal with a major publisher, you’re pretty much going to struggle.
    I chose to write my first few books as romance novels (but unfortunately the nonerotica kind) for all sorts of dumb reasons but in the end, it’ll be hard for me to sell books because there isn’t any sex. but whatever. You know how you when a story idea hits you, it sometimes comes out completely different than what you thought it would be when you finally sit down to write it? well mine came out to be romance for now even though I’m more into darker, grittier stuff.

    Either way I believe in supporting other new authors and so if you want to follow me back, we can maybe do mutual follows and what not? I mean I wouldn’t ask you to read my book or anything when it comes out but maybe your girlfriend would and she could review!

    Anyways I literally read anything so I’m going to go read your book and leave a review.when I do. I have nothing against violence, so I’m excited!!

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