Doctor Who Would Cure Ebola

This whole Ebola thing has me perplexed and now that it’s almost over it’s okay to crack a few jokes right? I forgot my check list so I’m not exactly sure what is and isn’t supposed to be funny. People get butt hurt way too much over stupid shit. When I was a kid we joked about everything and no one got offended. Now you have to be careful because if you call someone a faggot in a crowded airport you will be tackled by strangers and beaten up. The guy that you called a fag will skip over and bitch slap you and possibly tweak your balls. See? That right there just offended someone. The Tinkerbell fairy will now visit me while I’m asleep and ass rape me. I did it again, Shall I go back to talking about my writing? The fact is you laughed and you too are going to hell, wait, are the Christians still in the bunkers waiting for Jesus to herd them home like the good little ship they are. They were all chanting and cheering awhile ago. I swear I heard them singing hymns at the first sign of Ebola. God is a loving God who will send an infectious disease to wipe out the sinners. Jesus loves me cos he killed the entire planet with Ebola. That should be on a goddamned t-shirt.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my best friend about this whole Ebola thing and I got worried. Intelligent people get worried when shit like this happens because the majority of the population is gullible and will believe anything the media tells them to. If Fox News told Conservatives to jump off a bridge they would. O’Reily would be spouting off these amazing percentages about how a mass suicide would show the Liberals that they had somehow ruined the country with their gay agenda or whatever hate speech was popular that week. It would probably be that Obama is the antichrist and the only way to stop him would be to jump off a bridge, Off the conservatives would go like good little lemmings and splat themselves into oblivion, The Ebola thing scared me and, it wasn’t even the disease that scared me. it was the fact that a lady got on a plane and traveled to her hometown. I live in Ohio and imagine how pissed we were to hear that shit, For awhile Obama wasn’t the antichrist, She was, The blame shifted to her, She became the poster child of stupidity and now I guess she’s okay but seriously, what the fuck was she thinking? She put a lot of people at risk and for what? A family reunion?

Ignorant people made Ebola more fucked up than it was. Some people thought Jesus was coming back and some were pretty sure it was a direct hit to eliminate the blacks from the world. Racists had a field day with this one and how could they not? Charles Manson thought it was the return of Helter Skelter. No Charlie didn’t say that but it sounds like something he would say. Now Obama wants to bring those infected here so we can cure them and I don’t think that’s a good idea. The conspiracy theories are already flying about this one and the last thing we need is a two hour special debunking the Ebola Conspiracy theories. Look on the bright side we got a cool costume out of it. Now that makes Ebola hot.

sexy_ebola_costume

The thing that we were talking about was how nasty people are, If you think about it we live among some nasty people. Do we really need a sign that prompts employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom? What kind of sick fuck takes a shit and doesn’t wash their hands? Apparently, a lot of people. Makes you think twice about eating out doesn’t it? How many waiters are shitting and not washing their hands? Did the person that’s cooking my food just drop a shit and not wash his hands? What about the people that process my food? Holy shit there’s a whole slew of people touching my food!!! Did they take a shit and not wash their hands? Why in the hell do we need a sign urging people to wash their hands after shitting anyway? Isn’t that common sense? There are nose pickers, ball scratchers, vag sniffers all walking about without washing their hands. Suddenly the idea of shaking hands doesn’t sit that well with me. I don’t want people touching me at all. Stay the fuck away from me! The Ebola thing just made aware of how disgusting people are. As we talked it dawned on me that in America are not the sharpest peanuts in the turd.

We need a warning not to eat soap, a warning telling us that our coffee’s hot. Isn’t coffee generally hot? Why in the fuck do we need a warning for that? What kind of asshole would sue over a hot cup of coffee? The judge allowed this? It’s coffee, it’s hot, case dismissed you are an idiot! Next case! The Ebola thing just made me realize just how ignorant people are and they shouldn’t be allowed out of their house because they may in fact infect others with their stupidity. It happens and Fox News is proof of that, Now that I’ve offended half of my readers I should really end this, My girlfriend brought Godzilla over and I really want to see it.

Advice To Writers

I was at my local tobacco shop waiting to pay for my vice when the clerk asks me how I got published. It’s not an easy question to answer because it leads to a lot of shoe gazing and honestly I was a fluke. Odds are, no one will get published the way I did so I answered her the best way I knew how. Facebook. Seriously, if you think you’re a decent writer and want to get noticed it pays to social network. You have to really work hard at it, but no matter what genre you write there is always someone looking for raw talent. The upside is that if you’re good enough someone will accept your piece and who knows where it will lead. Here’s the tricky part and sometimes writers will complain that they are getting paid for their story but you are so suck it up cupcake and follow me here. You are an unpublished writer looking to get published, You just did. A publisher obviously thinks you have talent so now that they’re familiar with your work you have a foot in the door. You can now submit your novel and who knows they may remember you and actually publish it if it’s good enough.

I also say Facebook is a good way to network with fellow authors. Do yourself a favor and don’t be a fan boy/girl about it. We are just like you except we actually get to write  and sometimes people notice. It doesn’t make me any different from any one else except I’m cooler and have a valid excuse to be more of an asshole. A lot of the writers that I talk to on the ‘Book are quite willing to talk to people but don’t be annoying. We get don’t like stalkers or creepers. Some of us have to write that shit and don’t really want to deal with it when we log into our Facebook. We generally want to watch cat videos, or Randy Orton RKO’ing random people. Don’t expect the bulk of us to be PC. We just aren’t so if you are easily butt hurt you may just as well forget about being a writer. Take up knitting or something. Watch those annoying ass cat videos that everyone shares. We all know that cats are assholes, but now, thanks to Facebook we have tons of proof.

I actually gave this woman my email and told her I would help her in any way I could. I wanted to help someone like myself and maybe check out her work and see how good it is. We all know someone who wants to be writer, but sometimes when they give you a sample you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I figured the least I could do was give her some guidance, see what options are available for whatever genre she writes in. The cool thing is that I get a gold star for helping and I helped someone achieve their dream of getting published. I got no email. What kind of person does that? I gave her an in and she doesn’t take it? That’s like taking Kaley Cuoco out for dinner and she comes home, she gets naked and wants you bang her into a coma, and you’re all like: “I think I’ll make a sammitch.” No one would do that. I hope no sane heterosexual male would pass up banging Kaley Cuoco for a fucking sammitch and if you do you are an asshole.

Kaley-Cuoco-FB4

 

I digress. The only real advice that  I can give is write. Write your ass off. I work 3rd shift and usually work about 12 hours but when I come I eat, fuck around with Facebook, and pull up whatever I’m working on, While I eat I write for about an hour or two. On my days off I may write for a good 8-10 hours but for me that’s normal. I want to improve as a writer so it would make sense that I spend so much time writing.  I enjoy it so why not spend time improving? If you have a deadline you have to put in the time so if that’s already in place deadlines won’t stress me you out. You just get used to it and hope for the best. If you ever feel as if writing isn’t fun anymore then stop. The whole goal here is to be able to write as a main source of income so if you aren’t having fun then just quit. No sense in turning this into  a job that you hate. You are going to be expected to write and if you can’t then why bother? You are wasting your time. If you think you’re instantly going to pump out a book and be noticed you should quit. I write because it’s fun and I’m good at it, I make no money and no one know that I write but at some point they will so instead of being a bitch about it I just keep subbing stories and pay my dues. We all have to do it.

 

When you read absorb, as much as possible use your favorite authors as you influence. Be you, but use whatever style you like and work it  into what you’re doing but don’t rip off your influence. I incorporate a lot of dark humor into whatever I’m writing and I hope that my influences shine through Whatever style you write in should be influenced by something. I can’t stress enough that sometimes, you have to eliminate a lot of comfort zones. There are things that I won’t write about but everything else is fair game. Common sense alone should dictate things you as a person would deem off-limits.  Never ever be afraid of offending someone because now everyone’s offended by something. Don’t ever second guess yourself and always keep in mind that not everyone is going to like what you write, Fuck ’em. You’re going to get bad reviews and people aren’t going to like your book. People are assholes but you can’t please everyone so this is why I say write for yourself. Be your own nasty, asshole critic and once you start writing for yourself you’ll see that people will like what you write.

 

My bronchitis meds mixed with the inhaler are making thought a chore so before I take a header into my coffee table what inspires you? Take that shit and use it. Fuck writing about what you know because Google is your best friend. Write about shit you don’t know. Take risks and tackle other genres just to say you did it. If you’re a guy reading this I cannot stress enough to stay away from the chick lit genre. We have dicks so we can’t write from a women’s perspective. We’ve had girlfriend’s or even a wife. There’s no way to get into a chick’s head without driving yourself bat shit crazy. Women cannot be figured out and that’s why we need them around. They make like interesting but once you begin to think like a chick your life is fucking over. Turn in your man card and put on a skirt. I hope that I’ve actually helped and if I haven’t sorry, but I am suffering with bronchitis and wish this had been more helpful. If you need me I’ll be on Facebook watching cat videos.

 

 

Playing Dress Up With My Invisible Friend

I have to be honest and say that I’m not really a fan of fall, It’s a shitty boring season that just prolongs an even shittier season which is winter. Fuck fall. Fuck all the leaves changing color and let’s just be honest and admit that fall is just a shitty bi-polar month, You can never dress right in the fall. You can guess what it’s going to be and I guess in other states or countries that you live in that would be fine but I live in Ohio. Our weather people can’t predict our weather because it changes every fifteen minutes. You can step outside and it’s seventy. Go back in, get some coffee and go back out it’s gone down to fifty degrees. People that live in Ohio bitch all the time about the weather we have but where the fuck are we gonna go? We have kids and jobs. We’re stuck. The older I get the more cantankerous I become. To me the perfect weather is around seventy. Any hotter and I hate leaving my house. I have central air so why in the hell do I need groceries? It’s hot out, Fuck it, I’m watching Netflix.

I have to point out in this blog that I have the best girlfriend ever, I say this because I know how difficult I can be, She puts up with a lot from me. We go to the store and I am distracted by the most random shit, I go in for soap and come out with shit I didn’t know I wanted. (Edit in from the girlfriend.  As I just pointed out to him, he didn’t want it until he saw it.  I need to blindfold him when we go shopping.) Instead of grabbing me by my shoulders and slapping the piss out of me she giggles. As soon as I hear that I know that at some point the ADD kicked in and I am in full Hammy the squirrel mode. She never complains and that’s part of why I love her. She knows how bad shit will get once I’m outside yet she just rolls her eyes and giggles.

Dating a smart woman has some serious benefits, On top of being amazing and beautiful she uses big words which is sexy as fuck. Having a conversation with her is freeing, I don’t have to dumb myself down or explain myself because she totally understands me. There’s nothing worse than talking to your girlfriend and looking over at her and you’ve totally broken her by just talking to her. It’s one thing to break a girl during sex but when you’re having a conversation and you look at her and her eyes are glazed over, and she’s drooling you know you’ve just broken her. There’s no relationship after that. She just became that dumb bitch you have to get rid of.

As a writer it’s important to be with someone who stimulates you mentally. I had this check list of what I was looking for in a woman and she had every quality that I was looking for and she totally accepts me for who I am. I can be just as fucking random as I want and she is right there with me. She reads every fucked up story I write and she still loves me. I took on book reviews for brutalbooks.com which is a great splatterpunk website. After reading this you should go and check it out. Instead of saying you might be taking on too much she supported me and was happy for me. She may not read the books I review but so what I don’t expect her to. That would make me a bit of an asshole.

Now that’s October I can finally rejoice because as a horror fan I love Halloween. What’s not to like about a month designed to scare the shit out of you. What annoys me is that people only watch horror movies during the Halloween season which really confuses me. Horror films are such a huge part of entertainment avoiding them would be almost impossible. A world without horror would be a sad world. I need to see Jason chop up some hot naked chick or, watch as Leatherface fucks shit up with a chainsaw, As a horror writer I urge those people who only watch horror films and read horror novels only in October to please stop being an asshole. You’re killing me.

As the year creeps to its end I have to say that this has been an awesome year for me. I became a published author, started dating an amazing woman and I’m being published in six anthologies that people who only read horror stories in October won’t get to read until next year. I went from wondering if I was good enough to thinking yep, I am good enough so as soon as these anthologies are out I will throw links up everywhere. A lot of doors are opening for me and I have a lot of people to thank for that. I even managed to get two stories into Dynatox anthologies. That in itself is pretty fucking cool To be a fan of not only Jordan Krall, but his publishing company Dynatox Ministries, and then have stories featured in two of his books is a true watershed moment for me. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but toot toot. No one knows that I write but that’s beside the point. Soon they will and even when, and if they do it doesn’t matter to me.  I didn’t write to be famous and if anyone does that they’re going to be disappointed real fast. I am having a blast and I’m growing into a decent writer,

The splatterpunk genre has been amazing. I have had a few authors invite me to submit stories for a couple of anthologies. Stuart Keane, Jim Goforth, and Jeff O’Brien are some of the coolest dudes around. Not only are they talented writers but they have made this writing thing a lot easier. There is a huge network of support in the splatterpunk community ad guys like Alex Johnson, and even women like Cat Dahman have a true passion and love for this genre. I’m proud to be a part of it. You can follow me on Facebook by following this link here https://www.facebook.com/splatterpunkmonkey. As a fan of horror I don’t mind connecting with other horror fans. I am all out of shit to say so here is where we part company.