Advice To Writers

I was at my local tobacco shop waiting to pay for my vice when the clerk asks me how I got published. It’s not an easy question to answer because it leads to a lot of shoe gazing and honestly I was a fluke. Odds are, no one will get published the way I did so I answered her the best way I knew how. Facebook. Seriously, if you think you’re a decent writer and want to get noticed it pays to social network. You have to really work hard at it, but no matter what genre you write there is always someone looking for raw talent. The upside is that if you’re good enough someone will accept your piece and who knows where it will lead. Here’s the tricky part and sometimes writers will complain that they are getting paid for their story but you are so suck it up cupcake and follow me here. You are an unpublished writer looking to get published, You just did. A publisher obviously thinks you have talent so now that they’re familiar with your work you have a foot in the door. You can now submit your novel and who knows they may remember you and actually publish it if it’s good enough.

I also say Facebook is a good way to network with fellow authors. Do yourself a favor and don’t be a fan boy/girl about it. We are just like you except we actually get to write  and sometimes people notice. It doesn’t make me any different from any one else except I’m cooler and have a valid excuse to be more of an asshole. A lot of the writers that I talk to on the ‘Book are quite willing to talk to people but don’t be annoying. We get don’t like stalkers or creepers. Some of us have to write that shit and don’t really want to deal with it when we log into our Facebook. We generally want to watch cat videos, or Randy Orton RKO’ing random people. Don’t expect the bulk of us to be PC. We just aren’t so if you are easily butt hurt you may just as well forget about being a writer. Take up knitting or something. Watch those annoying ass cat videos that everyone shares. We all know that cats are assholes, but now, thanks to Facebook we have tons of proof.

I actually gave this woman my email and told her I would help her in any way I could. I wanted to help someone like myself and maybe check out her work and see how good it is. We all know someone who wants to be writer, but sometimes when they give you a sample you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I figured the least I could do was give her some guidance, see what options are available for whatever genre she writes in. The cool thing is that I get a gold star for helping and I helped someone achieve their dream of getting published. I got no email. What kind of person does that? I gave her an in and she doesn’t take it? That’s like taking Kaley Cuoco out for dinner and she comes home, she gets naked and wants you bang her into a coma, and you’re all like: “I think I’ll make a sammitch.” No one would do that. I hope no sane heterosexual male would pass up banging Kaley Cuoco for a fucking sammitch and if you do you are an asshole.



I digress. The only real advice that  I can give is write. Write your ass off. I work 3rd shift and usually work about 12 hours but when I come I eat, fuck around with Facebook, and pull up whatever I’m working on, While I eat I write for about an hour or two. On my days off I may write for a good 8-10 hours but for me that’s normal. I want to improve as a writer so it would make sense that I spend so much time writing.  I enjoy it so why not spend time improving? If you have a deadline you have to put in the time so if that’s already in place deadlines won’t stress me you out. You just get used to it and hope for the best. If you ever feel as if writing isn’t fun anymore then stop. The whole goal here is to be able to write as a main source of income so if you aren’t having fun then just quit. No sense in turning this into  a job that you hate. You are going to be expected to write and if you can’t then why bother? You are wasting your time. If you think you’re instantly going to pump out a book and be noticed you should quit. I write because it’s fun and I’m good at it, I make no money and no one know that I write but at some point they will so instead of being a bitch about it I just keep subbing stories and pay my dues. We all have to do it.


When you read absorb, as much as possible use your favorite authors as you influence. Be you, but use whatever style you like and work it  into what you’re doing but don’t rip off your influence. I incorporate a lot of dark humor into whatever I’m writing and I hope that my influences shine through Whatever style you write in should be influenced by something. I can’t stress enough that sometimes, you have to eliminate a lot of comfort zones. There are things that I won’t write about but everything else is fair game. Common sense alone should dictate things you as a person would deem off-limits.  Never ever be afraid of offending someone because now everyone’s offended by something. Don’t ever second guess yourself and always keep in mind that not everyone is going to like what you write, Fuck ’em. You’re going to get bad reviews and people aren’t going to like your book. People are assholes but you can’t please everyone so this is why I say write for yourself. Be your own nasty, asshole critic and once you start writing for yourself you’ll see that people will like what you write.


My bronchitis meds mixed with the inhaler are making thought a chore so before I take a header into my coffee table what inspires you? Take that shit and use it. Fuck writing about what you know because Google is your best friend. Write about shit you don’t know. Take risks and tackle other genres just to say you did it. If you’re a guy reading this I cannot stress enough to stay away from the chick lit genre. We have dicks so we can’t write from a women’s perspective. We’ve had girlfriend’s or even a wife. There’s no way to get into a chick’s head without driving yourself bat shit crazy. Women cannot be figured out and that’s why we need them around. They make like interesting but once you begin to think like a chick your life is fucking over. Turn in your man card and put on a skirt. I hope that I’ve actually helped and if I haven’t sorry, but I am suffering with bronchitis and wish this had been more helpful. If you need me I’ll be on Facebook watching cat videos.




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