Metal Up Your Nose!

Anyone knows me or follows me on Facebook knows that metal and horror are two of my favorite subjects. I wanted to do a listing of some of my favorite metal albums but shit, that’s such a hard thing to write about and everyone has their own opinion on the greatest albums ever, but I have always wanted to throw out some of my favorite metal albums just to see if it would shock people. Let’s face it people know that I’m a huge hair metal fan, but what they may not know is that I love heavy metal. Fucking love it! As a fan of horror metal just kind of fit right in. Other kids would be out playing sports and I would be in my room either reading or banging my head. I hated sports and still do so anyway here are a few of my favorite metal albums. Also there really is no order here but people appreciate numbers for some reason. How about we do a nice fat ten?

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1. Miss Crazy II – This came out in 2008, but sounds like it could have come it at the height of hair metal, but it’s far heavier. Led by Marcus Allen Christopher this is a band that should be huge. Just from the opening of Mow you can’t help but bang your head, and those vocals! This is one of those albums you listen to and then you’re mouth drops open. 

2 & 3 Iron Maiden – Number Of The Beast & Piece Of Mind. When people ask what a perfect metal album is you can play them these. This is what perfection is. The band was finally moving into their own here and the Bruce era was just beginning and while Beast was the building blocks, Mind was where the band finally knew where they wanted to go. This is a band that compliments each other well. Everything works together and that’s what makes these albums so damn good.

4. Steeler is an interesting band because they really only had one album, but holy shit what an album and what a lineup! Ron Keel on vocals, Gregg Chaison on bass, Bobby Marks on drums, and Ynwie Malmsteen on guiter. The sound of the record isn’t all that great but it’s worth a listen because it’s a ground breaking record in terms of what hair metal would soon become.

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5 & 6  I have to be honest and admit that I was never a huge fan of Black Sabbath when Ozzy sang. I just didn’t see the appeal until I heard Heaven And Hell and it was like the sky opened and God himself said: “Do you hear that?” The first song I ever heard was falling Off the Edge Of The World off of Mob Rules, but then I heard Children Of The Sea and my brain melted. What Sabbath lacked all along was a vocalist that complimented the rest of the band. Heaven And Hell showed that Black Sabbath were far more than plodding doom metal. Heaven And Hell should have been the death of Sabbath but instead it was a rebirth. This was a band that branched out and took a few risks and they paid off extremely well. Then Ronnie was gone and it ripped a hole in the space time continuum. Then I heard Born Again and all was right in the universe. Ian Gillan was the vocalist for Deep Purple and while they still had the same plodding doomy riffs there was a bit of heaviness lacking on Heaven and even Mob Rules. It was as if the band were trying to totally bury their past and move into a heavier direction. With these two albums we knew that without Ozzy the band was far better. We all knew that as a vocalist he was lacking in a lot of important areas. The band was stuck and now with Dio and Gillan they were free to explore and these two albums are proof of that

7. Warlock has always been a favorite band. Doro Pesch may not be the perfect vocalist but their album Triumph And Agony was the perfect album and found the band at their creative peak. The anthemic All We Are pummels you and it just doesn’t stop. This is one of those perfect metal albums that every band strives for. Some never get a chance to create it, but Warlock’s fourth album finally got them the attention they had always deserved.

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8. ….And Justice For All was the last decent Metallica album and for as many issues as it has it will always be the album that allowed Metallica to move forward. I have always felt that this was their heaviest and darkest record, Master may have been their most popular album, but this was their chance to prove that they could move beyond that and create something better. This was a band on the verge of greatness. We all knew that they were great musicians and Justice to me proved that. You have a band that has finally matured and Justice just punished the listener with its heaviness.

9. Persistence Of Time will always be my favorite Anthrax record. Among The Living proved that Anthrax could build on the foundation that Metallica and Slayer had built and created something unique. Persistence was the album that took everything that Anthrax was and intensified it. Angrier, and even darker. It was a mature record that proved that as a band it was possible to move in a new direction and add a few different styles to their sound and Belladonna never sounded better. It took me a few listens until I understood just how great this record is. Some dismiss it but to me this is by far their greatest record and everything that State Of Euphoria could have been if they had merely taken the time and not rushed through it.

10. Shout At The Devil was the Motley Crue album that was all about attitude and proof that a glam metal band could be heavy as fuck. Their second album is perfect and has a swagger about that the band has never been able to duplicate. You want a perfect metal album? This is it. Nikki Sixx may not be the gratest song writer in the world but for Shout it didn’t matter. These were songs that dripped with attitude and showed you that you can’t judge a book by its cover. The first time I heard this i was in awe and it’s one of those albums that stands up well no matter what decade you listen to it in.

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Spring?

We finally made it through a brutal, messed up winter. People in warmer climates became our enemies because they were assholes that would give us weather reports. We hated people who lived in places where it wasn’t cold. I live in Ohio for God’s sake.  I don’t care about it being 70 degrees where you live. You’re an asshole for even posting that shit. I live in a place where the air hurts your face. Everyday the mere thought of going outside was a big deal. Who in the hell wants to go outside in sub zero temperatures? It sucks and I have thought about moving some where warmer just so I can taunt people in places that have snow and all the other bullshit that pisses us off. I want to brag about being on a beach in the middle of February while people back home are walking through snow drifts that seem to end right at your butthole. Have you ever had a frozen butthole? It sucks.

Now we have Spring which makes me a bit nervous. Stupid people love the Spring, but they don’t know how to dress. These people are outside wearing shorts and a sweat shirt, and they’re excited by a 40 degree temperature. When it hits 55 they are so giddy they walk around like a bunch of freshly turned zombies.

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This is what it looks like when I go outside. They shuffle around as if they’re looking for brains and they take their yapping dogs with them. It seems as if they all decide to shit at the same damn time. I live close to a lake and I also have to deal with angry pissed off geese. You ever try and walk around a gaggle of geese? They won’t move and I swear they’re yelling at me. I’ve invaded their turf and now I have to rumble.  Geese in the winter are completely different in the spring

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These were geese who had nothing to lose. I was invading their turf.

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Now that the weather has finally broken I get to be miserable again. I now have to deal with whiny ass kids and parents who look at their kids as if they’re assholes. Warmer weather means that kids are now excited that they can go outside again but they have no idea how to behave. They run around like drunken little midgets who have never seen the sun. Don’t get me started on the damn joggers. These assholes are running and here I am just walking along smoking a cigarette, I won’t move either. Fuck ’em. They’re faster than I am. You can run around me.  I hate joggers. I even hate the chicks that have big titties that bounce when they run. They have these big bouncing breasts and It’s hard not too look. I want to see these titties knock these chicks out. They’re running along and bam! KO’d by titties.

I try not to complain a whole lot in the winter because I like the peace and quiet. No joggers, no screaming kids, and best of all no people. It’s a white wasteland of solitude and I like it. I hate the cold but I don’t like sharing my space. In the winter I own the sidewalk not some big titty jogger, or some angry pissed off geese. I like winter as much as I like David Lee Roth and if you follow me on Facebook you know I can’t stand that asshole.

Spring in Ohio is all about confusion. It’s wet and cold three days out of the week and semi warm for two. There’s no balance and it’s frustrating because you know that warmer weather exists somewhere, but not in Ohio. That’s why we all wander around like brain hungry zombies. At some point we’ll also adjust to the time change which messed us all up.  The weather people just throw darts at a bunch of random shit and just hope they’re right at least once.

Spring is just all sorts of fucked up but what are you gonna do? It’s a time of transition and the weather is like a woman who can’t make up her mind. She’s wandering around all confused and shit while her husband or boyfriend as yelling at her to just pick something already. Just make up your fucking mind!  All we can really do is wait and enjoy the sun for the brief amount of time that we have it because we know it isn’t going to last long.