Spring?

We finally made it through a brutal, messed up winter. People in warmer climates became our enemies because they were assholes that would give us weather reports. We hated people who lived in places where it wasn’t cold. I live in Ohio for God’s sake.  I don’t care about it being 70 degrees where you live. You’re an asshole for even posting that shit. I live in a place where the air hurts your face. Everyday the mere thought of going outside was a big deal. Who in the hell wants to go outside in sub zero temperatures? It sucks and I have thought about moving some where warmer just so I can taunt people in places that have snow and all the other bullshit that pisses us off. I want to brag about being on a beach in the middle of February while people back home are walking through snow drifts that seem to end right at your butthole. Have you ever had a frozen butthole? It sucks.

Now we have Spring which makes me a bit nervous. Stupid people love the Spring, but they don’t know how to dress. These people are outside wearing shorts and a sweat shirt, and they’re excited by a 40 degree temperature. When it hits 55 they are so giddy they walk around like a bunch of freshly turned zombies.

zombie_horde_poster

This is what it looks like when I go outside. They shuffle around as if they’re looking for brains and they take their yapping dogs with them. It seems as if they all decide to shit at the same damn time. I live close to a lake and I also have to deal with angry pissed off geese. You ever try and walk around a gaggle of geese? They won’t move and I swear they’re yelling at me. I’ve invaded their turf and now I have to rumble.  Geese in the winter are completely different in the spring

IMAG0292

These were geese who had nothing to lose. I was invading their turf.

IMAG0235

Now that the weather has finally broken I get to be miserable again. I now have to deal with whiny ass kids and parents who look at their kids as if they’re assholes. Warmer weather means that kids are now excited that they can go outside again but they have no idea how to behave. They run around like drunken little midgets who have never seen the sun. Don’t get me started on the damn joggers. These assholes are running and here I am just walking along smoking a cigarette, I won’t move either. Fuck ’em. They’re faster than I am. You can run around me.  I hate joggers. I even hate the chicks that have big titties that bounce when they run. They have these big bouncing breasts and It’s hard not too look. I want to see these titties knock these chicks out. They’re running along and bam! KO’d by titties.

I try not to complain a whole lot in the winter because I like the peace and quiet. No joggers, no screaming kids, and best of all no people. It’s a white wasteland of solitude and I like it. I hate the cold but I don’t like sharing my space. In the winter I own the sidewalk not some big titty jogger, or some angry pissed off geese. I like winter as much as I like David Lee Roth and if you follow me on Facebook you know I can’t stand that asshole.

Spring in Ohio is all about confusion. It’s wet and cold three days out of the week and semi warm for two. There’s no balance and it’s frustrating because you know that warmer weather exists somewhere, but not in Ohio. That’s why we all wander around like brain hungry zombies. At some point we’ll also adjust to the time change which messed us all up.  The weather people just throw darts at a bunch of random shit and just hope they’re right at least once.

Spring is just all sorts of fucked up but what are you gonna do? It’s a time of transition and the weather is like a woman who can’t make up her mind. She’s wandering around all confused and shit while her husband or boyfriend as yelling at her to just pick something already. Just make up your fucking mind!  All we can really do is wait and enjoy the sun for the brief amount of time that we have it because we know it isn’t going to last long.

Advertisements

One thought on “Spring?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s