The art of being offensive

I used to have a lot of fun writing my blogs. I never ran out of material either. Hell, all I had to do most days was just walk out my front door. You never run out of material if you just walk outside once in awhile. Then some shit happened. A house fire, I lived with my mom and stepdad for awhile but the thing is that I never thought that my blogs would lose their sense of humor, but somehow they did. I think I know what happened and no, it’s not Mindy’s fault. She is an amazing girlfriend and if anything I have only gotten worse. I’m still the same asshole I always was but then the writing thing happened.

I just got too busy to focus on the shit that bothered me and amused me. That was what this blog was for, but then I got sidetracked. I never ran out of shit to say, but the world moved into this weird place. A crazy lady refused to do her fucking job and the thing is she’s a fucking county clerk. A fucking monkey could do her job. The only problem would be the monkey would probably beat off all over your important documents and if he was in a foul mood he may throw his shit at you. Nothing worse than a pissed off monkey.

Kim Davis is an ugly woman that thought that she was trying to do God’s work. Jim Jones thought that too, and David Koresh as well. The problem is that she has no idea what God actually wants. I know that God is too busy dealing with famine and disease to worry about two gay people getting married. Kim has no idea what she wants either. How many times has she been married? I was surprised that she found someone that would fuck her. You’ve seen her. I’d rather fuck a cheese grater. And then you throw in all that religious bullshit into the mix and she becomes nothing more than a crazy cat lady with a rubber stamp.

I want to go back to free the nipple. Remember how awesome that was?! Fucking boobies everywhere and why the hell not? Who is offended by naked breasts? I was a happy guy and then of course someone got butt hurt. Who is the asshole that got offended by female breasts? I want to punch you in the dick for ruining a perfectly awesome event. I thought I was an asshole. Whoever is offended by this should be repeatedly punched in the dick. I finally found a campaign that I could get behind and I will support any and all women who want to show her breasts. Just don’t send me pictures because it would get me in a lot of trouble at home. Surely I’m not the only guy who gets excited by boobies. Fuck, maybe I am. That’s pretty fucking sad.

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Which one you fucks is offended by Alyssa Milano’s breastfeeding picture? Honestly I didn’t think I was the only one who saw the baby and thought; “That is one lucky baby.” Shit I wonder if her husband is drinking from those fun bags? In all honesty a woman feeding her baby is perfectly normal. Why should any woman be forced to feed her child in a smelly bathroom anyway? It’s no different than any one else eating except the meal comes from a tit. Female boobs are awesome and you got to see an exposed breast! Why the hostility? In that picture there is nothing offensive being shown. It’s a baby eating for fuck’s sake. Sure, it’s Alyssa Milano and, you can imagine what those perky nipples look like but aside from that it’s a baby and a mother bonding. Nothing wrong with that. Any woman breast feeding in public should be left the fuck alone. Maybe just maybe if you want, you can whip your dick out if that will make you feel better. While you’re at it put it in a scalding bowl of soup.

Is it safe to make fun of Bruce Jenner yet? Brave my fucking ass. He got rid of his bait and tackle and you call this fruit loop a hero? Look up the definition of hero. I don’t think getting your banana peeled is heroic. Bruce got lucky. Had he done this two or three years ago we would all be laughing at his freaky ass. We still laugh at him….just not in public because those politically correct fucktards are still clapping as if this asshole just cured cancer. Wait, we can cheer on Bruce but get all out of whack for this???

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This is what makes me crazy. Bruce Jenner is still the same freak we made fun of a couple years ago and now we simply can’t, but there’s not a good reason. He’s a human being after all and it should be allowed to live however it wants. That’s great, because there will always be people like me making fun of him because he looks like a freak with a plastic vagina. I too have rights and can express any opinion I want because like Bruce, it’s my right as a mother fuckin’ American.

Did everyone miss me? Is there anyone not offended yet? What haven’t we covered? It’s been awhile since I actually wrote a blog like this and I’m sure that there will be a few comments from people and that’s okay because Alyssa’s nipples are covered. All you see is a half boob and maybe a few veins, but for just popping out that kid that boob looks pretty damn good. That is one lucky kid.

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Pumpkin Up Your Ass

The fall will be arriving before you know it and with that comes the usual bullshit. What horror films will you be watching and how much pumpkin spice will you consume. There really isn’t a right answer for that because I never stop watching horror films and I am a big fan of pumpkin spice cappuccino so around this time I get a little excited. I have the Keurig coffee pot now which means when I piss it’ll smell like pumpkin spice. It’s not a bad smell and each time I piss I’ll be reminded of why I love fall so much.

I’m not a big fan of summer. It’s hot and nasty and I hate that my balls stick to my leg from sweating so damn much. I like the cooler weather and as Halloween approaches I am excited as fuck. Halloween is great because you always find great horror films at a discount. You never know what you’ll find and now that classic horror films are now being ushered onto Blu-ray I have a little spring in my step. As a horror writer it’s pretty obvious that I love me some horror but I also get a bit nervous.

I’m supposed to have a list prepared for horror films and novels. Problem is I don’t get scared watching horror films. I tend to watch the shit that gives people nightmares and I can really name one film that truly scared me and that was The Strangers. That movie really freaked me out. I watch a bit of Japanese horror and urge people to watch Let The Right One In which is actually a Swedish film. Yeah, I know it has subtitles but it helps me out because I don’t speak Swedish.

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I know that most people flock to the old stand-byes anyway. You know the classics like Evil Dead, and Friday 13th. A Nightmare On Elm Street and Scream are usually on there as well and they should be. The Blair Witch Project is another good Halloween flick, but you should also watch the sequel. Book Of Shadows got a lot of shit and it shouldn’t have. It’s a damn good film. It had the balls to be different and people shit all over that film

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As far as novels go you should really not ask me what I think you should read. All Hallow’s Eve by Richard Laymon. Hell any Richard Laymon should be read and not just on Halloween. You should also read Pet Sematary because it’s a damn fine horror novel. You also read this while sipping on a hot pumpkin spice cappuccino.

You should just enjoy the fall but be careful because you may run into this shit 

This is another film that just doesn’t get enough respect, but I will make sure that it does. This is one you should watch on your Halloween horror marathon.          220px-Jennifers_body_ver2

I think we should just enjoy the fall and hold the one we love a little tighter and for fuck’s sake rake some leaves. Would it kill you? I think if you really want me to give you a list of scary shit I have tons of it all over this blog in various posts. You should also be prepared for some gore. With the passing of Wes Craven I’m reminded of just how influential he was on not just film makers, but writers like me. If he hadn’t created The Last House On The Left and even The Hills Have Eyes there wouldn’t be a splatterpunk. I would be like a third rate James Patterson or Stephen King. I would be just another boring cappuccino without the pumpkin spice.

When you really go balls deep in your horror marathon you will see blogs devoted to horror films and novels. I like that people will be giving horror the respect it deserves. It’s an art form that I love and thrive in. All those years spent watching Jason and Freddy kick ass and take names showed me that I my ideas weren’t so fucked up. I’m able to share my love of the genre with other people and hopefully it influences a new legion of fans. Happy fall everyone.