It oozed cheese

I have been really busy with my new job and then got really sick so I haven’t had a lot of time to blog but this is the pay off. Out at Acme I found these two gems
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That’s right Horror Cinema 24 features, or over 28 hours of horror over 6 discs. That’s right a whopping mind numbing shit ton of cheesy horror. I was stoked until I noticed who released this set. Echobridge entertainment. They grab movies from the public domain and put them in sets like this.

That’s not a bad thing because sets like these are pretty rad because you do get a few stinkers but then you get classics like Carnival Of Souls, Silent Night Deadly Night and Dementia 13.
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Inside the box it’s a mess. I paid 10 bucks for these bitches the least you could do is protect the discs. Instead they’re just piled on top of each other.
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Notice how cool the Grindhouse Gore Collection looks? The movies are on double sided discs which is a pain in the ass but you at least know what disc you’re dealing with and notice the sleeves? Look at this mess
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Just six discs that aren’t numbered but do have a cool graphic but the titles are only printed on the back of the DVD box so if the discs aren’t put back correctly you’ll end up swearing in ten seconds because each disc only holds four movies and have no titles.

The bottom line here is I plan on watching these regardless of how bad the transfers are. I know exactly what I paid for and in sets like these the most important thing is getting your money’s worth. Are they boxed cheaply? Of course but the important thing is the films. These are films that have been rescued from obscurity so a guy like me can waste a few hours watching cheesy horror flicks.

No matter how laughingly bad some of these may be I love that there are a shit load of Lugosi and Karloff films here to check out. Will I blog about all 48 (that’s both sets)? I’ll do my best.

My shopping addiction

     When you mention that you’re a hermit all sorts of images spring into your head. The creepy guy that avoids all forms of eye contact and shyly looks af various clerks and mumbles some sort of phrase that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. These are the scary hermits that have retreated away from society for some reason and most are a result of them being batshit crazy.

     Unlike those creepy hermits I am a hermit that can function in society. I have social skills and have quite often flirted with the hot teller at my bank. To some I’m sure it’s surprising that I have no desire to mingle with people because when forced I’m quite outgoing and yes even
witty and charming. Why would I choose to spend most of my time alone? People tend to bug me. A lot. I hate crowds because you always have that slow plodding asshole in front of that wants to look at everything.

     I have always hated shopping. I accompanied my ex-wife shopping once and it was the longest day of my life. I am organized when it comes to going to the store. I have the routes marked and a list of what I need in my head. The rules change moment I step into a book, thrift, or videogame store. I turn into a shoe addicted bitch.

The same problem always exist though. Pushy or stupid sales clerks, slow people, or kids running around like drunken little midgets. I have this urge to buy a taser and zap each and every hyper bastard that annoys me. The parents are never around. They just allow these kids to run all over the damn place. Maybe I should tase the parents and as they lie there twitching I’ll smile and say; “Watch your damn kids!”

Sadly, there are laws that say I can’t do that and as much as it pains me I have to venture outside. I go to the bank flirt with the hot teller and wonder what her boobies look like without the sweater. Being a hermit isn’t a lonely existence because I do have social skills but what if I didn’t? How dreadful! I can talk to the cashier ringing up my purchases but I’d rather be at home reading or watching a movie.

I thank God for the interweb. It made it easier to avoid human interaction but I remember when I first tried on-line shopping it was a pain in the ass. It took forever for the credit card to be accepted and then you had to wait for it to ship. It would take almost a month to recieve the order and if I could track it I would wait for someone in another state to grab my shit and move it closer to me.

Now I have an app that shows me how much money I have in the bank and no matter how much I spend the balance adjusts accordingly. Now when I shop online I get shipping info immediately and the payment is processed usually before I close my browser. Here’s where my problem lies. I no longer have to leave my house to shop.

Thanks to places like Amazon and Ebay I can now shop naked and have even placed an order while taking a shit. I have become an adict because whatever I’m looking for I know I can find it online and ten times cheaper. I know the shipping and handling is crazy high but I can shop naked! It’s worth it people. I am an addict and I have spent hours on Alibris looking for odd titles that I would have to special order anywhere else.

I have become an addict and I realize that I need human interaction but who cares about human interaction when you can avoid crowded shopping malls and over eager clerks. Can you stroll through K-mart naked? No, and try doing the helicopter in the Dvd aisle when you finally find Strangland. I went to Wal-mart and wanted the movie Sucker Punch and I was directed to what I call the Dvd ball pit.
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My movie was supposed to be here somewhere. Was I supposed to jump in? I almost did and stopped myself when someone found a copy on a shelf.

The convenience of online shopping has made me an addict. There’s no shame or guilt over random dvd purchases. On Ebay you can find whatever you need without walking aisle upon aisle only to discover that they don’t have it. That pisses me off because I walked for well over an hour and they don’t have it. Fucking bastards.

Online shopping takes the frustration out of shopping and allows me to shop when I want to. I can avoid people and stay inside. Finally I don’t have to play nice or strike up a random conversation with a sales clerk. I have never been happier and thank God for the interweb.

Black Sabbath/Random Thoughts

     When I was younger I was never into Black Sabbath. I thought the music itself was amazing in spots but what killed it for me was Ozzy’s voice. To me it had the same effect as nails on a chalk board. It used to drive people batshit crazy because there was some rule somewhere that stated that if you were into metal you had to like Sabbath. It really baffled people but I couldn’t pretend to like them.

     When I discovered Dio someone pointed out that Dio was in Sabbath and I of course had to hear it. My first introduction to Dio era Sabbath was Falling Off The Edge Of The World. I was hooked. You had a litttle sludge but you now had it layered with melody and the whine was all gone! It felt like I was listening to a new band.

These were songs that knocked you on your ass. Heaven And Hell, Voodoo. It was easy to ignore the Ozzy stuff but occasionally some asshole would ruin it by playing War Pigs. It’s overrated and if you have to play it how about playing Supernaut or Lord Of This World?

     I discovered last night while listening to Sweet Leaf that Ozzy’s voice kinda fits into that dinosaur sludge. Didn’t win me over and I still don’t like Ozzy but for the first time ever I saw what the appeal was. Despite that annoying nasal whine it sometimes blends into the overall rhythm of the song.

     I still prefer Dio era Sabbath but I also liked albums like Born Again and The Eternal Idol.  There was that heaviness and yes melody. Could Ozzy ever sing Heaven And Hell? No way but Dio sang Ozzy’s songs better and made them less annoying. There was a distinct sound when Sabbath had a proper singer.

     I went DVD shopping today. Normally I hate shopping but the places I shop at aren’t large places and no one hassles you or gets in your way. You can enjoy the experience of finding random shit Wal-mart doesn’t carry. Plus I like the price of used DVDs. You can buy more.

     As I picked out my stash I thought about something I heard or maybe read. You can learn a lot about someone by looking at their books music and movies. My question is who does that? Not only is that a little creepy but untrue. How can it be? These are random items that enrertain us. How is that even reliable?

     I am an extremely random person and if someone can get that kind of insight on me God bless them. If you base an opinion on me based on my my choice of movies and reading material you’d run screaming or drag me to a priest. I don’t think either of those would help anyway.

I never let people see my Kindle when the books are displayed. I can handle questions about plot or whether it was good are not but some have to ask why I read what I read. It’s no one’s business. You never ask a skinny dude why he married a fat chick so don’t ask about my books. It’s a personal thing.

When we meet people isn’t that the sort of thing that draws us to other people? We need to have common interests or else there’s no reason to talk to peope or even date. I doubt that a woman would judge a dude because he happens to like horror films. It’s a bit shallow isn’t it?

Who knows maybe I’m watching these slasher flicks and plotting my next relationship. I have my dungeon all ready in the basement. Just looking for that special someone I can lock up and scream at her to put the fucking lotion in the fucking basket. I want to be with someone forever and if they’re chained up in my basement they can never ever leave. You people do realize I’m kidding I hope.

Hi! Now Take Off Your Skin Part III: The Cheese Strikes Back

     Horror films are a rite of passage. It’s kind of like sex. We always remember our first and always complain about the worst we ever had. I love a good slasher flick. The original Black Christmas, Slumber Party Massacre, and of course the very odd Sleepaway Camp.

      When my brother gave me this box set I just figured I’d plow through the movies and have a bit of a laugh. I have made it through 4 and that may be too many.  Horror has a rich and vibrant history. The Wolfman, The Invisible Man. These are movies that serve as a gateway drug to full blown horror.

     Once I saw a horror movie high. I think it was the best and worst idea we had ever had. Smoke some pot and see a horror film. What did we see?

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     This is not a movie you want to see high on pot. It really freaked me out and I have yet to see it again. When you see a movie like this high it sucks you in and you can’t really do a whole lot but go; “Woah!” If I see it straight it could totally suck and ruin what I thought was an awesome movie.

     You couldn’t pay me to get high and watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I’d shit myself. As soon as he comes running out with that chainsaw the poops would leave my butt. I couldn’t watch a movie like Friday 13th high either. It would freak me out too much.

      Despite feeling a little sick I did manage to make it through two more movies. These were done by the same director so I figured why not lump them together.
               

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     The

Gorehouse Greats Collection has let me down once before. Blood Mania was pretty terrible but Nightmare In Wax was pretty decent. So how did Terror rate?

     Given the title I was expecting terror but what we have is a British slasher hybrid that drags on and on. It’s a tale of revenge that keeps you guessing until the big reveal at the the end. Quite a bit of blood and a chick actually gets impaled on a tree! Not bad for a film from 1978.

      The film itself hasn’t been remastered but it is in widescreen format. There are scenes that are too dark to see anything and some of the chase scenes drag on too long. If it was done to create tension it failed. I wanted to see mayhem and blood and while I sort of got it it just wasn’t enough.

      The main problem was the story. It just kind of lurched along and any time someone was killed there was that glimmer of hope that it would pick up. Based on the kills I would probably watch it again and would recommend because of the genre that was to come.

      Ok so it took me a couple of days to watch Terror. I kept getting interrupted and the select a scene doesn’t exactly put you where you were. I kept jumping around trying to figure out where the hell I was. Not cool Millcreek. Why not put in more than 4 options?

                  

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      How do you evolve horror films? We insert Satan. This seemed promising especially when Dio makes an appearance

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       Wait, that’s not Dio, my bad. This was the big opening scene complete with the hot naked chick being sacrificed. There is a lot of nudity but it’s in the context of an attempted rape and a naked chick tied to a tree, branded with a cross, and whipped. You thought your day sucked?

      If you read the blurb on the back of the case the story is about a family that goes to visit an uncle, car going ten miles an hour putters into a tree and then explodes. Come to find out the Uncle wants to sacrifice their niece to some dead chick.

     Kind of interesting but moves like a snail. Not much on horror at all but if you like films that deal with Satan have at it. Keep in mind it’s not all full blown Satan just a creepy uncle who worships Satan.

     The one part that makes this movie is the roof top fall. When the dummy hits the ground it looks like a cake the Cake Boss would make. There’s cherry filling for the arm and mmmmm vanilla frosting for God knows what.

     So these two films showed promise. While I could do less with the slow pace of the film the parts that featured gore were well done. Would I watch them again? If I were high maybe

My Rant Against Violence

     I was thinking today about my last two blogs and how I admitted that I loved horror films. One of my favorite scenes is from a film called Deadly Friend. In the movie a girl who is beaten almost to death and is saved by her best friend putting a chip into her head.

     Anyway the robot hits a woman in the head with a basketball so hard it exploded. It looked like a watermelon rupturing. It was so cool I actually had to slow it down and watch in slow motion. Awesome scene.

     Is there a point here? I think there might be. We often complain a great deal about violence and how it’s affecting our kids, our friends, and even our mothers. How often do you hear right wing wack jobs complian about violence?

      Fact: I have seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at least a hundred times and have yet to wield a chainsaw and rip some people apart. Fact: I have seen the Friday 13th movies at least 50 times but have yet to wear a hockey mask, wield a machete, and kill people. Fact: I have played Grand Theft Auto for more than 8 hours a day for three days straight. I haven’t car jacked anyone.

     Why am I writing this blog? As a horror fan, and video gamer I have to tell parents to watch your kids. Why is it that when someone commits a senseless act of violence the stuff I enjoy is always scrutinized. When horror films in the early eighties came out no one ever thought that it would awesome to visit the nearest camp and stab the shit out of people

     I am a responsible parent. I know my kids and yes I allow them to occasionally watch a horror film. Before I get a ton of comments telling me I’m a bad father you can relax and shut up okay? I unlike a lot of parents have told my kids that what they see on tv and what they play on the videogame console isn’t real. There are consequences if you do anything you see on tv.

     The rule of thumb here is simple. Are your kids mature enough to handle violence? Are they able to see the difference between reality and fantasy? It’s not a video game designer or filmmaker’s job to raise your kids. They are paid to entertain and if your kid can’t distinguish fact from fiction you need to control what he/she is watching.

     As a parent we have a job to do. We have to talk to them, instill morals into them and if a kid acts out and replicates what he sees in a game or a movie it’s the parents fault. We should know what our kids are doing. We should talk to them, and know just how mature they really are.

     I realized when I wrote my blog on horror people would assume I was an idiot without a clear thought in his head. Horror films are entertainment. Do I really enjoy watching people get impaled on trees or gutted like deer? Duh, but I also know that there are laws that tell me I can’t do that nor do I have some insane impulse to slaughter people.

     I’m a very random person by nature. It ain’t easy being me. I listen to Christian black metal and watch horror films. Does that make me a bad person? Of course not. As a parent I’ve learned a great deal. I learned early on about maturity and doing what’s right for my kids.

     We talk a lot about the fictional violence all the time but never mention the real violence. Forget for a second that a child watches a violent movie, or plays a violent video game. Let’s focus on the home for a second. What if a kid is forced to watch his father smack around his mom for not cooking dinner correctly, what lesson is he learning? It’s cool to beat the shit out of women because daddy did it.

      What about the alcoholic parents, the parents that are addicted to drugs? We need to adress situations like that at our schools. The home is sometimes far more violent than a Wes Craven flick. Kids are subjected to violence at home and it’s not coming from the television.

     It’s our job as parents to be open and honest with our kids. We need to teach them morals and values. Hang out with your kids and play some video games with them. For God’s sake just talk to them.

Hi! Now Take Off Your Skin Part II: The Cheese

     The kids have finally made it home and despite the fact that I’m exhausted I have a blog to write. In my last blog I mentioned the Gorehouse Greats collection my brother gave me and this is a massive collection of 12 films over 3 double sided discs. There’s no way I’m going to write about all 12. Wait, did you expect me too?

      What I often wonder is how do they find these movies. Do they hire people to go into film warehouses to look for the shittiest movies they can find? Do they spend hours searching through boxes stuffed full of discarded panties and reels of Paris Hilton audition tapes?

     Sadly there’s a market for sets like this and I’m part of it. These are films that bombed for a reason and were shoved into a box and quickly forgotten. Low budget DVD film companies continue to release them knowing someone will buy them. You also have movies like this. I got stuck with this gem when I bought Night Of The Living Dead On DVD.
                  

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       I did manage to make it through two of the Grindhouse films and I feel like I ran some kind of marathon. I just picked two movies randomly and prayed that they both didn’t suck. These are 12 movies time and most people for that matter forgot and like some horror movie villians they’re dead for a reason.

                   

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        First up Bloody Mania. Nice opening title sequence but the title itself is misleading. I picked it based on the title alone and guess what? The title was an after thought. This isn’t even a horror film. It what’s labeled gothic horror and the titled promised blood but there isn’t very much blood at all and the most blood you see is in the final five minutes of the movie.

     The film must have been remastered at some point. For being a forgotten relic from 1970 it looks pretty damn good. The acting blows and the plot kind of unravels but hey at least it looks good. That’s pretty good for a B-rate gothic horror film that no one has ever heard of.

      I do have to point out that this movie does have some nudity. I guess the director thought that more people would come to see it if he showed titties. Yeah, that’s a great idea. Somehow he decided that no one would notice how bad the acting was or how bad the plot was if women showed their breasts!

      Instead of Blood Mania he should’ve named it titty mania. There’s more tits than blood and it even has that cheesy porn music. It must have been confusing to be in a theater watching this and suddenly you see random tit shots.

     The plot centers around a doctor who’s being blackmailed so he becomes involved with a rich woman who takes care of her sick father. The most awkward part of this movie when she kills the poor bastard by performing a strip tease. You read that right she dances naked in front of her father and he dies. What the fuck?!

     The reading of the will features some serious overacting and is said with such conviction it becomes more funny than dramatic. The problem with this movie is the acting and shitty plot. There’s no action or reason to keep watching. Well there is if you like tits.

     I kept watching, hoping something would happen. This is supposed to be Blood Mania. Where’s the blood? Where’s the horror? instead I just got titties and I love tits I really do but when you title a movie Blood Mania there should be blood damnit!

     This is a very boring movie that has very little going for it except for the titties, but even that grows tiresome. You hear dramtic music and you expect something to happen but nothing does. It’s just a tit shot. A few titties won’t make a movie any better.

                      

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     Next up is Nightmare In Wax. This was released in 1969. At that time there was no CGI or guys wearing hockey masks looking to turn people into human pincushions. These types of films worked their asses of to scare you and relied on atmosphere and story telling.

     All this is really is is a blatant rip off of a classic film called House Of Wax starring Vincent Price. Both are tales of revenge and feature a villian with a deformity. The villian in Nightmare In Wax sports an eye patch and only has a slight scar despite being set on fire while lighting a cigarette and having alcohol thrown at him.

     The only drawback here is no remastered film. It has your occasional pop and crackle as well as spots where dust had gotten onto the reel. It actually adds to the film and reminds you that it’s a B-rate so don’t expect a pristine picture or a Dolby Mix.

     While Titty Mania pretty much sucked ass Nightmare In Wax is an entertaining film. The plot is totally implausible yet moves at a steady clip. This is one of those B-rate gems which you’ll occasionally find in sets like this. The acting isn’t perfect but it’s not horrible either.

     It’s not exactly a horror movie but it does contain our villian slowly stalking his victim. It stretches out the suspense just enough so when he finally catches her the dialouge alone is worth the price of admission. Half way through the movie you already have it all figured out but you have to see how it all ties together. To what lengths will our villian go to get his revenge?

     Nightmare In Wax may be a blatant rip off of House Of Wax but it has swagger. It knows deep down what it is and doesn’t try and become something it’s not. Just when I thought it was over it kept going for another five minutes.

     I have no idea what I’ll find in the rest of these titles. I can’t go by  the blurbs because they’re misleading. I can’t go by the title either. That’s also misleading. When you title a set Gorehousehouse there’s expectations but so far there’s very little in the way of gore or great.

     I may just have one of the dogs pick out the next two movies with her snout. If it sucks I can blame her. Would I recommend this set to friends? So far no but there’s still 10 more movies to go through. They can’t all be as bad as Blood Mania can they? Oh God I hope not.

Hi! Now Take Of Yer Skin!

     Little known fact about me. I love horror films. Now when I say horror films I’m talking the cheesy B-rates and the massive big budget production ones. Horror films have always been a huge part of my life. I remember my grandparents and I watching Friday 13th 3D when it debuted on HBO back in 83?

     I have to blame it mostly on my love of reading. In the third grade I became addicted to Stephen King which stunned my teachers. Turns out they weren’t impressed by what I was reading. The big issue stemmed from what they claimed was my inability to understand the subject matter. Huh? Who says?

     They tried to break me and I mean they tried real hard to goad me into a third grade box but I wasn’t going quietly. To appease these beasts I tried to read Beverly Cleary. Too short. Knocked it out in about three hours and it wasn’t as exciting as say The Shining. There was a lot of cool stuff going on there. Beverly Cleary? Not so much.

     In the end I won. Moral of the story? Never let the bastards wear you down. I got into the same situation the following year when I discovered shakespeare. Turns out when you’re in the 4th grade you’re not supposed to read Shakespeare. I had a 12th grade reading level in the 5th grade so once the tests came back they backed off and became impressed.

     Don’t think for a second I’m some kind of super genius because I’m not. I just started  reading early and enjoyed it. I suck at math and science was only interesting if we were blowing something up or dissecting something. I liked to make the frogs dance and scream when the scalpel hit flesh.

     When I was asked if I understood Shakespeare I just looked at them as if they were retarded. Sure, you just make the words modern and it’s easy to follow. I had to give an example. I still read it that way. Thou art a crafty foe would read; You are a crafty foe. Easy breezy lemon squeezy.

     That intro to Stephen King made me crave a visual. I wanted to see horror not just imagine it. No, I didn’t torture animals or stalk my babysitter with a butcher knife. I only do that to the women I want to impress but sadly it never does. They usually run screaming through the woods I’ve taken them to and usually end up tripping over some tree limb. By the time I get to them the blood has leaked pretty steadily from their head wound and I’m always winded and ready for a nap.

     That was a joke people. I discovered horror films. My intro was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was hooked. Some big dude ripping people up with a chainsaw! Oh hell yeah! I was impressed and needed more. Then it just went into Jason, and Freddy and every horror film I could get my chubby little hands on.

     I saw 976-Evil at least twenty times and loved Motel Hell. Motel Hell still makes me chuckle. All those heads in the ground like cabbages. I also discovered that I enjoyed the really cheesy ones that have the porn music and really bad acting. You know you’ve hit a cheesy horror film when the music starts and you’re expecting some naked chick to ask if there are any plumbers around because her pipes are clogged.

     This evening my mother handed me a DVD case and it was huge! Check it out for yourself

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     My brother got it and decided it wasn’t for him. There are 12 films over three double sided discs. Forget quality here it’s all about quantity. For a guy like me this is impressive. I have yet to delve into them because my twins are over this weekend but when I do I’ll be sure to blog about it.

      Ladies? You wanna impress me? Buy me horror films. The cheesier the better. They have insane collections at Wal-mart for five bucks and don’t worry about the titles just bring them to me. The cheesier the better. You wanna sleep with me? Cheesy horror films. You bring me a B-rate horror box set or even a single disc I’m so yours.

     It’s not hard to impress me. Most guys want wine or something flashy I just wanna curl up next to you and watch a few horror films. You want a shot with me? Any horror film will work. The bloodier the better. Since my house fire I’m low on my supply so if you want to ask me out a copy of House Of Wax will increase your odds. I’m okay with the remake and it’s actually one of my favorites.

     I do like to cheer on the bad guys. I watch a zombie flick and I’m cheering on the zombies. I watch a movie featuring Leatherface, Jason, Freddy, or Michael and I’m on their side. Kill scenes are key to a slasher flick so I’m big on the scenes that make you scream; “Dude! That was epic! The dude was impaled on a friggin chainsaw!”

     Am I the only one that does this? It never occured to me that I shouldn’t say that out loud. I just assumed that was the norm for horror fan to cheer on the villians. Why else would we watch Friday 13th 497? For plot and dialouge? Not so much. I wanna see Jason stab some people up!

     The one horror film I could never get into was Child’s Play. Chucky was a doll. He just isn’t scary. He’s just a possessed My Buddy. Any dog or hard kick would take him right out. Why not just rip off his head? You want scary? Look at Leatherface. When you hear that chainsaw kick on you know shit is about to get serious.

     On Sunday I plan on working through this collection of films my brother gave me and I’ll let everyone know how bad they are. You didn’t think they’d be good did you? There may be one or two that are good but that’s asking a lot. I’ll start with Bloodmania and try and work through Terror. I can predict that I’ll be laughing halfway through but when you have a collection like this there’s bound to be some groans and laughter.