I Forgot I Had Another Blog

I couldn’t sleep last night and I thought you know, I have that WordPress blog, I should vent my spleen. Shit, it’s been a year since I blogged here, and I remember how much fun I used to have writing these. Blogging is a lot like confession, or therapy with one exception. No one listens to you, and for the most part, they don’t really care about you. How much is therapy anyway? While we’re at it why are people afraid of pickles? Seriously, someone out there reading this has this weird fear of pickles. Doesn’t make any sense to me either, but the world is a wacky, wonderful place. Here in this wonderful universe, you can be afraid of pickles and someone somewhere will call you an asshole or God forbid a fucking weirdo.

I stopped writing this blog because I ran out of things to say, and I thought for sure I was never going to sit here and do another one. People, for the most part, are sensitive, and the things I write about aren’t exactly politically correct. If you read back through my posts there is a lot of stuff that you’ll find offensive, and that’s okay. I am fine with you having your feels hurt. Maybe you needed it. The big question is why am I back. What nuggets of wisdom can I give to you that will make your life more complete? What nugget of truth can I unearth to make you feel more connected to your inner child, or that asshole behind you who keeps kicking the back of your chair?

We all have things we want to say, some opinion we want to share but are too afraid because we don’t want to offend anyone. When did that become a thing? Since when has the suppression of free thought become a good, and noble idea? Welcome to the future where you need a band-aid and a doll to show everyone where the bad man/woman touched you. I can’t connect with you, or take you seriously if you’re whining, and offended by everything. It just doesn’t work like that. Sorry, it’s just how shit works. The world was broken when I got here.

I still work despite being a published author which is a funny story. Not really funny, more sad than funny, but that’s what being an indie author is all about. You write books that no one reads, and you can’t get readers because you often forget to tell people you wrote a book. I am a lazy person. I hate self-promotion. I really do. It’s essentially you being a whore without the sex. You have the goods so you put on your sexy dress and your fuck me pumps and saunter into the night peddling your wares. Sounds fun doesn’t it? I just forget to put that shit on. It’s because I’m lazy and those pumps hurt my ankles.

So, there’s a lot of shit I’d like to talk about. Those other blogs were a glimpse at some dark times in my life, and places I visited, and ideas I wanted to share. I can’t say I won’t be offensive, or kinder because with me, what you see is what you get. I think in a couple of days I’ll write another random blog and see how it works out. I have a feeling this is going to be the beginning of a long fun ride.


Holy Balls!!!

I should point out that I’m not a Walking Dead fan at all. When the show debuted my wife and I split up and well, the last thing I had time for was television. I knew about the show but just never saw it due to not having cable. Now that it’s on Netflix I may check it out. I did hear the internet lose their collective shit over Glenn’s death. The violence was unnecessary, and they went over the top and just went straight for the gross out for ratings. I watched it. Three times even, and at some point I want to watch the entire episode. I know that there are a few whiner babies that have actually swore to never watch the show again and my question is: Do any of these people watch horror films? What the hell did they expect. A guy has a bat named Lucille for fuck’s sake. You know at some point he was going to use it right?

On the one hand I can see why people lost their shit. That one shot of Glen’s pulpy head and his hand is still twitching!  Jesus! Talk about powerful television! Negan should play for the Cleveland Indians. What I respected was the shows balls. They followed the comic I guess and really swung for the fences (that was funny!). You have a villain that is truly vile and shows just how sadistic he can be. That was what made the death so powerful. When villains are done correctly you as a viewer either love them or hate them. There’s no middle ground. What the shows creators have done is given us a fucked up psychopath that you want to see killed and badly.

It was brilliantly filmed and as you watched it you felt just like the characters did. Except they already knew what was going to happen. Was it too violent? No, and the reason I say that is because it wasn’t violence for the sake of violence. As a writer myself I can see why they chose to film this the way the way they did. It was to shock you and show just how psychotic Negan is. All of those people that don’t watch this show will now tune in. I know I will because I really like the Negan character. He’s my kind of villain. The show writers were trying to turn a corner and they did it by taking their fans into  a very dark place. You felt every swing of the bat and if they hadn’t shown it the way they did no one would have given a shit. They wanted to make an impact and they did.

Watching the entire episode was intense because it was a moment where the balance of power shifted and all you can do it watch helplessly as everything these people worked for slips away. Want a happy ending? Not going to happen here. You truly went on a ride and you really felt their loss and helplessness. It was brutal, but it had to be. There was no way to do something like this without the violence. That was where it really hit home. All of these people whining and crying that the show went to far are kind of right, yet imagine the entire episode sanitized for a wholesome audience. It wouldn’t have the same effect.

So what if The Walking Dead lost a few fans. I bet after that premier episode they’ve gained a whole bunch of new ones. They’re going to watch just to see what Negan will do. Now that he’s in control how is he going to stay in control? Will he force Rick to chop off his son’s arm again just to prove a point? Did you really think that zombies were the only thing to fear in an apocalypse? Shit, I’ve never seen the show I expected this happen way sooner. Not everyone sees a new world as a love in. People are going to become violent and selfish. Negan had to show Rick that things were changing and what a way to do that.

I didn’t find the episode too violent. I found it to be engrossing, and powerful. I couldn’t stop watching and as the credits rolled I knew that next week I’d be watching again just to see how things played out. I just hope that no one listens to the whiner babies who are all butthurt and calling for a boycott of what was once their favorite show. They saw a couple of dudes get their fucking brains bashed in and now they’re crying foul. I love a good violent story that involves great characters and that’s exactly what I got. I also got to see a guy twitching while his head was beaten into bloody pulp. This is what you do to get noticed and holy shit I was riveted! All I can say is I can’t wait until next week.

Revisiting A Shitty Album

I love the band Queen because in a world where bands stick with one sound, and one genre of music Queen never did that. While they may not be in my top ten of greatest bands of all time I will admit that they are pretty damn awesome. Freddie. That voice, and then there’s the rest of the band. Every record was always interesting because they sounded so good together. Every record tried something new and usually it worked. As shitty as Another One Bites The Dust is you can’t really hate it because it’s a perfect pop song. Queen wrote a perfect pop song and you know you want to hate it, but you’re too busy shaking your ass to it. It took  me a long time to respect the band because of who they were. They were fucking Queen. They couldn’t be called anything other than Queen. They were metal, they were pop. It was always something different and that was the appeal. and what made them so damn successful. That was what I realized much later when I could appreciate everything the band had to offer.

In my teens I wasn’t a huge fan because they bored me. I didn’t really appreciate them until I was in my late twenties. The first record I really actually fell in love with was The Miracle. That was the moment where it all clicked and the brilliance of what Queen was and is, fell into place.  It has those shitty pop moments, but it’s lyrically brilliant. That was moment I realized that I had missed out on what other people already knew about Queen.



The one album that I haven’t listened is Hot Space. There’s a reason for this. It’s been thirty-one years since I’ve heard it in its entirety. I truly believe we all have that one album that makes us puke a little in our mouth every time we think about it. I have two. Kiss’ Music From The Elder, and Queen’s Hot Space. I used to get a lot of my records from the bargain bin (still do) because there would be times that you would find a true gem among the other pieces of shit that nobody else wanted. It’s where I found The Firm’s debut album (come to think about it I got the second album there as well and on the same day) and many others. You could buy four or five albums for around five bucks which was a pretty good deal for kids that were looking for good music. There were stacks upon stacks of albums in there. You just had to dig a little.

As a fan of metal imagine my delight when I found Hot Space. It was a Queen album and it was in the bargain bin. It had to be a mistake right? This was fucking Queen! As soon as I dropped the needle I was mortified. I knew enough about the band to realize that something was wrong. Who were these impostors? I removed the needle and checked the album to make sure no one fucked up and sure enough it was Queen but what the fuck happened to them? It was Hot Space that turned me off of Queen. I had News Of The World and that was only because a friend of mine hated it so he gave it to me. I loved that record, but Hot Space was fucking clown shoes. I listened to it and then took it off my turntable and carved Kiss into its shitty grooves and put it back in its shitty looking sleeve.

Even the album cover sucks. You only hear about this record because of Under Pressure and that’s not even a good song. It sucks worse than a hooker loose in a trailer park and she has an overbite. Nothing about this album was good. It was one of those experiments that bands have and it seems great on paper, but then you get the finished product and it’s a steaming pile of dog shit. Even the band hates this record and it’s the one album that real Queen fans don’t acknowledge because it’s the one blemish on a stellar career. Wait, we can lump the Flash Gordon soundtrack in with Hot Space can’t we? I swore that I would never listen to this shitnado again, but I lied. My girlfriend swears this album isn’t as bad as I remember so I’m going to listen to it one more time. Fuck, just the thought of it made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Staying Power has fucking horns which isn’t bad, but the lyrics are terrible and where are Roger Taylor’s drums?? This just a terrible album opener that shows a band trying to move in a new direction but seem confused. I like Dancer. It’s still got those shitty drum machines but it has a bit of swagger to it. This should have opened the record. It sounds like Queen while sounding different if that makes any sense. You can tell that this is Queen and if the rest of the record sounded like this I wouldn’t be puking after this song ends. I can see myself booty dancing to this.

So far, this isn’t as bad I remember. There are elements that still feel like Queen. Oh shit, it’s Back Chat. This is just an awful song and reminds me of why I hate this album so much. I hate shitty pop/nu wave and this is what Queen was trying to emulate. The lyrics are vapid and where the fuck is Roger Taylor? Who brought in a goddamned drum machine? I’m starting to agree with the band on this one. Body Language. Fuck. What the hell? This was the best they could write? This is actually beats Staying Power for worse song on the record and we’re only four songs in? Skip this one.

Now that I’ve escaped the shit that was Body Language I hit Action This Day. I like this. It has that Nu Wave vibe and the shitty drum machine, but it still sounds like Queen. It’s pretty bad lyrically but if you’re listening to this record you know that it could be worse. I could see this on another Queen album and it would fit. Maybe Works, or Innuendo. I like two out of four songs. I think my overall opinion of thirty one years ago isn’t going to change much but goddamn Put Out The Fire gives me hope. This is classic Queen! There’s hope right??

Life Is Real ( A Song For John Lennon) is yet another one you can skip. They really scraped the bottom of the barrel in terms of lyrics. I threw up a little just trying to get through this. Calling all Girls. Fuck I can’t even begin to describe the train wreck that this song is. It’s simple. which is fine, but only the chorus is any good and that’s saying a lot. The rest of the song is just as bad as everything else on this album. This can’t be Queen. Sadly it is and they’re on autopilot. The Words Of Love sounds like Save Me but not as good. Close to being good, but it just feels like the band are finally realizing just how badly they fucked up. The Words Of Love is a pretty decent by the numbers Queen ballad that has a whole band again.

That’s been the problem with this album. They took everything great about Queen and replaced it with synths, and drum machines. Queen isn’t a mindless pop band and when you listen to Freddie’s falsetto on Cool Cat you begin to see just how bad this experiment was. When you try and dumb yourself down to try and reinvent yourself you better make sure you can pull it off. It’s a song that just doesn’t make a Queen fan happy. There’s nothing here that’s memorable at all. Under Pressure is the most well known song on the album and its death knell. It’s a terrible song that once again misses the mark because it’s Queen trying to sound like Queen, but the album is so bad you’re too exhausted to care. Is it heavy? Yep, is it a cool Queen anthem? To some it’s like the second coming of Christ. Problem is that it’s just mediocre at best. There are better songs and there are far better records.

I struggled through it and skipped half because it’s just as unremarkable as I remember. No matter how you approach it or remaster it, it still sounds dated. It sounds like a band that has run out of ideas so they chased a few trends and come up with an uneven album that fails on a variety of fronts. No one member can be blamed for this. They all had to agree on the material but if you look at the interviews from this record they knew they fucked up, and there was no going back. They had to sell the fucking thing, but how? You couldn’t. It’s a moment that no one thought could happen. Queen wasn’t supposed to suck, but suddenly they did. Hot Mess,  I mean Hot Space is proof that no one is perfect. Not even Queen. Now do I really want to listen to its follow up The Works? I can barely remember it so maybe that’s a sign. Shit, where’s my vinyl collection. Let me put on the debut record and try and forget I listened to this.





The Stand Vs Swan Song

It’s a question that has plagued horror fans for years. Which book is better? In one corner you have the classic Robert R. McCammon novel Swan Song


In the other you have Stephen King’s beast The Stand.




Both novels have the same themes, and for King marks the answer is simple. The Stand. It was more popular and it had a comic book and a mini-series based on it. Does that really make The Stand better? It’s been years since I’ve read Swan Song and as I looked at them both sitting there on my shelf I thought; Why not read them back to back? I then put them back on my shelf because these books are huge! Over a thousand pages each. I would be crazy to take on something like this. I’m an old school King fan, and it’s because of him that I’m a writer so length isn’t really the problem. I was worried about depression. These are some serious books. You would need alcohol for a challenge like this.

Then I threw the idea out on Facebook and people were actually interested in reading a blog based on both books. Which one is in fact better? As I write this I know that I have my work cut out for me. This can’t be done half ass like. There needs to be notes, and a clear winner. I can’t pussy out and say; “They’re both really good in their own way, so there really isn’t a winner.” There has to be a clear cut winner. This is where you come in. I want your opinions. Once I pick a winner I want your feedback. Share this blog and spread the word. Horror fans are loyal people so I want to hear what you have to say.

The rules here are simple. Read both books, take notes and pick a winner. Why is the other book better? Is it plot, characters? The way it makes me feel when I dance naked rubbing the book against my chest? Writing style here is also essential. If one book bores me I may have to tap out. If I’m bored at any time reading either book we are really fucked. What kind of bullshit would that be? To be completely fair to my childhood I am reading the ’78 version of The Stand. This is the one that I grew up with and originally it was all I had to pit against Swan Song. No comics or mini-series either. I didn’t have that shit as a kid so it doesn’t count.

That’s it. I am delving into these books over the next few weeks and we will have a clear cut winner or further debate on which book is actually better. Is Swan Song a rip-off of The Stand? Tune in and find out.



Personal Space

Hi, 2nd blog in two days and I thought about this while I was at work. An entire blog just popped into my head. That’s the beautiful thing about being a writer. There are always ideas filtering  through. Some suck while others don’t. I even stopped writing this long enough to take a piss.

I did wash my hands just in case you were wondering. Nothing worse than someone pissing and not washing their hands.  I headed straight to a stall so I could piss in peace without someone wanting to start a conversation. This is all about boundaries and how some of you fuckers have absolutely none. Nothing worse than someone pissing and not washing their hands. You know that asshole is going to want to shake hands at some point during the day.

This is about personal bubbles and the need to respect them. Why is personal space such a non issue with people? This entire blog stems from a Facebook post about my experience at the bank. A crowd of people and I’m on my phone and some lady wants to talk to me. I still don’t know the protocols of politely telling someone to piss off.

When I say I hate people it’s shocking because as an author I picked the wrong profession didn’t I? I should clarify a little and just say that I hate talking to people. I’m a private person and find that talking to complete strangers isn’t high on my list of shit to do on any given day. If I look friendly I apologize. I’ll try and fix that immediately. Is it my face that makes it appear as if I’m dying to hear your life story?

I have had about an hour to think about this due to me writing it at work. Don’t worry I wasn’t loafing or searching for porn. I have a job that allows me to have free moments to collect my thoughts and ponder the fate of the universe. That’s a full of shit statement. I actually wonder why parents can’t keep their damn kids quiet and why the kids feel this insatiable need to let everyone around them know that they’re in the same general area. Not everyone finds your kids cute and charming. Some of us find them fucking annoying.

Here’s my thing. I have a personal bubble. When I’m out doing my thing I don’t want to talk to anyone. If you drop your keys or something then we can converse but unless I initiate some kind of verbal cue then stay the hell away from me! Just because you’re a chatty person doesn’t mean we all are. Some of us don’t like talking to strangers. We grew up with stranger danger and that shit always sticks with us. We have thoughts of our own to deal with. Stuff like; I really gotta shit, I hope this line moves soon, or if this asshole doesn’t shut up I’m going to pull his lips over his head.

What also bothers me are the huggers and the touchers. I think I may have spoken about this in other blogs but nothing creeps me out more than when people touch me or want to hug me. I’m not afraid of germs I just don’t like being touched.When strangers do it I lose my shit. It’s gross and unnecessary. I don’t know where your hands have been so refrain from putting them anywhere near me. We all learned about personal space right? Why is it so hard to respect that shit? If you don’t know someone why the fuck are you touching them? Are you that starved for attention that you have to touch strangers??

If I know you then by all means touch away unless you’re grabbing my cash and prizes. That’s where I draw the line. I explained this to Mindy and it came out wrong. I’m cool with her touching me, but if I didn’t know her it would be totally different. I’ve decided that if and when I do book signings it’s going to be extremely hard for me to stay calm and not freak out when people want to shake hands or touch me. I may have to have a Purell station close by just to be safe. I’ll refrain from cringing on the outside but inside I will be screaming. As far back as I can remember I’ve always been like this. I’ve gotten over a few of my anxiety issues but I’m sure I still have some left and you aren’t helping me.

I don’t mean to sound like an asshole but I like my personal bubble. I hate when it’s raped by thoughtless people that want to talk about their cat or how long they’ve been waiting in line. Doesn’t concern me because in about two seconds I won’t even remember who you are or that your cat gets raging boners when you touch his chin. Mindless conversations irritate me because I don’t know what to say to you. What is it that you want? Are you lonely or just want to feel as if you’ve made some sort of connection with a random dude at the bank? Are we supposed to exchange numbers and maybe meet up later for coffee?

I’m a really nice guy when you get to know me but I don’t want to know everyone I come in contact with. It’s exhausting. I don’t have that kind of time and you shouldn’t either damn it. It makes me feel like a  slacker that I haven’t talked to my 100th stranger of the day. Just sit in your seat or stand in line and shut the fuck up. It’s really not that difficult.




Cheap promotion and Barry Manilow

Hi, did you know that I have a book out? I do. It’s called The Darkness Of The Soul and you can buy the digital or the dead tree version. MICHAELS NOES COVER(2).jpg

Pretty cool isn’t it? If you’ve read Legacy I can assure you that this one is different. I know every writer says that but I mean it. I knew that people were expecting a gore fest this time around, but I wanted to challenge myself a little so this is actually a book. Close to 400 pages. I wrote big. If you want to check it out I have a link right here

amazon.com/…book/dp/B01F0H0VR4/ref=sr_1_2. I’m also looking for reviews so if you read it and liked it write a small review. If you liked it and hated it send me your address and I’ll come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. I’m only kidding about the last part.  Also if you want to check out my author page on Facebook I have that link too.facebook.com/michaelnoeslegacy. I do try and update it  often as I can.
      I know a lot of people may be a little concerned about my Barry Manilow issue but I assure you  everything’s fine. Barry-Manilow.jpg
As a horror writer I need something relaxing so I throw on some Barry and chill the fuck out. To me no one is cooler than Bob Fuckin’ Saget and Barry Fuckin’ Manilow. If Legacy were every made into a film I would request that Daybreak be played during the opening credits. If you read Legacy you should let Daybreak play in the background. It’s fucking awesome.  I hear that song and think about the most violent death scenes. It would be the perfect theme song for a killer.
     Mandy fucking rules. I hear that and  write some great horror. What cracks me up is that people have this idea that I listen to some really hardcore music when I write, but odds are it’s Barry and the sad part is that Mindy makes me put in my head phones in when I listen to him. Manilow Monday makes me happy because I hate Mondays but it’s less suckish with Barry.
      I’m writing this now and singing along to Could It Be Magic. I want that somewhere on the Legacy soundtrack too. You know who else doesn’t get any respect? Neil Fuckin’ Diamond. Holy shit! Awesome songwriter. How can you hate Cracklin’ Rosie? I hear I Am I Said and that’s my goddamn anthem! I know what you’re thinking; I’m a horror writer who happens to have lost his fucking mind but I haven’t. If I did how would I know?
      I know that people feel really bad for Mindy. She has to deal with me all the time. Taco Tuesday, Manilow Monday. I thank God that she loves me. I would love to play her It’s a Miracle but she has banned Barry from the fucking house! It’s a travesty I tell you but I still love her and thank God that she loves me too. It’s A Miracle could be our goddamned song! By Baby Loves Me also makes me think of Mindy but she won’t ever get to hear it. When I watched Fuller House she was nowhere to be found. You see I’m not your typical horror writer. People are now looking at me in a whole new light. Pretty scary isn’t it? Is my cool factor gone yet? It’s okay cos it’s daybreak if you wanna believe it can be daybreak ain’t no time to breathe. Thanks for reading and don’t forget check out my new book available now at Amazon.

Confessions Of A Hair Metal Addict

If Legacy or any of my books got turned into a movie I would request that the soundtrack consist of hair metal. I think horror and hair metal would go great together and if the movie was a hit I could be responsible for it’s return! I have been waiting for hair metal to make a comeback and it just hasn’t done it yet. It will though. I want to led a scruffy band of soldiers carrying kegs of beer and while being followed by chicks in leather mini skirts. For those who don’t know what I’m babbling about here’s the definition of hair metal; Glam metal (also known as hair metal, sleaze metal and often used synonymously with pop metal) is a subgenre of hard rock and heavymetal. It combines elements of those genres with punk rock and pop music, adding catchy hooks and guitar riffs, while borrowing from the fashion of 1970s glam rock.

I miss the sleaze! Am I the only one that still listens to Ratt and Winger?? While I write this I’m listening to Firehouse’s Hold Your Fire which isn’t as good as the debut record, but still it had some chops. firehouse.jpg

I can tell you exactly where I was the first time I saw Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of that car. The chick on the cover of Ratt’s Invasion Of Your Privacy video was hot as fuck. As a kid growing up during that era I was fortunate to see some sleazy chicks and I  I loved it!!!!

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I think most of all this was a form of music that had no real rules. The lyrics were juvenile and for a kid like me I just wanted something that I could listen to and just be goofy. Hair metal was exactly what I needed and even as an adult I can play a certain album and it takes me back to those long ass summer vacations. I would blow my allowance on books and music. It reminds me of a time when everything was possible and yes, it reminds me of those chicks. The ones being squirted with fire hoses and wearing short leather mini skirts and heels. Women like that didn’t exist in my neighborhood!  I did find out that those women didn’t really exist and most women found hair metal sexist but who the fuck cared about those stuck up bitches!

I may be getting older but hair metal reminds me of a time when I didn’t have all the answers. While I do listen to newer music from time to time it just doesn’t have the same energy that hair metal did. There’s also a personal connection to it. I can relate to hair metal because I remember feeling that no one listened to me and all I wanted to do was have a good time. I like a song that is full of sexual innuendos. I can’t relate to newer music because it lacks any originality and for the most part it’s all whiny bullshit. I want songs about sex and partying. I want a piece of cherry pie, and I wanna rock. Can we bring back the sleaze? Can we bring back the chicks getting squirted with fire hoses??

If I had to recommend some hair metal I would tell you to start with some classics. Mötley’s Shout At The Devil, Ratt’s first four albums. Cellar, Invasion, and Undercover, and yes, even the E.P.. I would also tell you to listen to L.A. Guns’ debut album along with Hurricane’s Over The Edge. Those are the albums I listen to a lot and as for bands you can’t go wrong with Twisted Sister, or Hericane Alice. I think Kix’s Blow My Fuse and Hot Wire were brilliant. The music from that era has a timelessness to it and some may not have aged well but some did, and you can roll your eyes at me when I listen to Wildside or XYZ, and that’s okay. I am immersed in a time when I was young and the world was a wide mysterious place full of possibilities. There were also scantily clad women wearing leather skirts and heels. That’s not a bad thing.  1058514-lita_ford.jpg

It’s going to make a comeback and I can smile and say I told you so. Will it be as awesome as the first wave? All I know is that I’ll be able to say I told you so. I love being right. You can deny it all you want but I’m telling you. There will be a hair metal resurgence. It’ll be interesting to see how well it does in this ultra P.C. conform or die era, but I think there’s always room for a little sleaze.