The RCPC Experience

A blog in two parts because I can. Why the hell not? I should do this more often just to keep the ‘ol brain pan clean. I have to talk about The Rubber City Pop Culture Fest because it was a great opportunity for me. I learned a great deal, and as a writer you should do everything you can to get yourself out there and meet the people that buy your books. I know, meet people? Why the hell would I wanna do that? People are icky and gross and offer nothing of value to my life. See, you’re wrong. Those people are fans and they don’t even know it. RCPC was a great opportunity for me, and I can’t thank Jason Miller enough for inviting me. I had often thought about attending one of these, but just never did out of fear. There’s a lot of what if’s involved, but I’m glad I went, and I got to meet a legend.

I have to say it’s weird being on the other side of the table. I know I’m a local indie author, but I’m there to promote myself. What’s weird is that you come in contact with other people who are more successful, and way more famous than you are, but they treat you like an equal. You have a table there which means you get to talk to people that you normally don’t have access too. What’s weird is you forget that you’re a fan and have an actual conversation with them. Here’s what is really insane and it puts things in perspective. I was just like those people once. I was walking around, not sure how to approach someone I admired. You always come off like a dork, and later you end up feeling like an idiot because you were nervous, and this was someone you looked up to.

When you’re sitting on the opposite side of the table you realize how animals feel at the zoo. People are staring at you, they sometimes talk to you, but I forgot why they were staring at me. Then it hit me. I was on the poster as an artist. They may not have known who I was, or even what I do, but I must be kind of important right? I guess? Shit, I live in Barberton Ohio, and as much I like to joke about being a big deal, I’m really not. I’m just another circus monkey churning out books for treats, and an occasional pat on the head. When you’re surrounded by bigger people, you begin to watch and learn how they sell themselves.

Make no mistake, you’re selling yourself so people will want to buy whatever it is you’re selling. Some people can fake it, but as I sat there, I began to enjoy myself. A few people came up and talked to me and I talked to them like I would anyone else. I hope it made an impression on them, and they’ll remember me. You can write twenty books, but you also have to meet people. You need to make them aware that you exist. That’s what was so fun about the RCPC Fest. I may not have sold a lot of books, but I learned a great deal. To me. that was more important. The next time I do something like this I know what I need to do to stick out. Here’s a picture of me at my table like a good circus monkey 18699341_10154896019737800_863294369955233729_o

This was my first appearance at something like this so I had no idea what to do. Notice the bare table? Never thought to snazz it up, but the next event I go to I will make sure I have something to make me stand out. I was bare bones, but it’s okay. Next time, I won’t be. I’ll have a banner with my fat head plastered on it, a few business cards with links on where you beautiful people can find me. Like I said, it was a great experience and a lot of fun. I was surrounded by awesome folks and the event was well attended. As a local author with a tiny fan base it was eye opening.

The coolest part of the entire day was sitting next to John Russo who is the God father of the zombie genre. As a horror guy it doesn’t get any cooler. It was even cooler than being in close proximity to actors from The Walking Dead. I did find it weird when they went out to smoke together. I thought for sure the world was about to end. It didn’t, and I was grateful for that. It was hard to sit next to him all day and not say anything but I had no choice. I may have geeked out to Mindy, but I kept it together all day. Close to five though I walked over and introduced myself and he gave me a lot of great advice about cons, which ones to attend, and how beneficial it would be to my career.

How cool is that?? It was an actual conversation! When does that ever happen with someone you look up to and admire? It doesn’t! Never, and I got some signed paperbacks to remind me of the time I got to talk to John Russo. He was friendly, and seemed to enjoy talking to me. Best of all, Mindy was proud of me for approaching him the way I did. I have to say I was nervous as hell, but I kept it together, and I didn’t creep him out. That’s winning.

So, RCPC was a huge thing for me, and I’m glad I was able to attend. As a fan, I’ve attended these, but this was my first time being there as a guest. It was a well planned event I hope I get to attend next year. Could I do twelve of these a year the way Mr. Russo does? I wish I could, but that would become my job. I would write, and then attend cons on the weekend. That’s how you know you’ve made it. A different city every weekend, pressing the flesh with fans, and having that warm fuzzy feeling that only comes when you’ve truly made it. No more mowing the grass or schlepping out the garbage for this circus monkey.

Which brings me to my next topic, but you know what? I’ll save that for my next blog. Maybe in a few days I’ll churn out another one just to get into the habit of writing blogs again. I have a lot of shit I want to talk about, and who knows? Maybe someone will listen, or at least read it and have a good chuckle. Here’s a picture of my next book cover which will be coming out soon. Aware_cover

How about some links on where you can buy my stuff?

You can get a signed copy of The Darkness Of The Soul here: http://azothkhempublishing.com/bookshelf/novels/horror/the-darkness-of-the-soul/

You can get a signed copy of Insecure Delusions here: http://azothkhempublishing.com/bookshelf/anthologies/author-collections/horror-3/insecure-deslusions/

You can also find me here: https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Noe/e/B00NJG34BO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1496178426&sr=8-1

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The Walk Of Shame

This morning I woke up with this crushing weight of uncertainty.  I crawled out of bed and groaned because it dawned on me that today was the day.  This day would change the face of our country. Election day in America is where we pick out American Idol and usually feel good about our choice. That’s how it usually works anyway. Not this election, and certainly not these candidates. How did we get here? This is the best that American politics has to offer?   I don’t care how the system works, and I certainly don’t pretend to know how it works either. All I know is that there’s something wrong with the system and we’re slowly spinning out of control.  This has been an election fueled by hatred and we cheer and applaud every time it filters through our televisions and computers. I get it, this is an important election  but it doesn’t mean I have to feel good about my choices. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do?

I didn’t want to vote, but I did. I didn’t want to pussy out just because I didn’t like my options. What options right? In this election you couldn’t go with the lesser of the two evils because they’re both pretty evil in their own ways. We’re on the verge of self destruction and there’s nothing we can do but hope for the best and feel good about our decision. Outside of the polling place it was pissing rain as if the sky was crying for us. I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach as I walked toward those doors. I have always voted with confidence and studied each candidate and cast my vote for the one I believe will do the most good. This time I had no idea who these people were, or even what they stood for.  I saw some of the debates and that’s why voting would be so difficult for me. When I began to study them and saw what they stood for there were both good and bad in each but then I saw a candidate act so immaturely I couldn’t imagine this person running our country. On the other side was a possible criminal that seemed out of touch with the people she wanted to lead.

Everyone looked confused and sad. We were all sharing the same. Dirty secret. We voted but for what? What do the next four years hold for us? Where are we headed? I voted out of obligation not because I felt strongly about one candidate over another. I have voted without fail every election and this is the only time I voted and felt dirty. I kept thinking; Did I make the right choice? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I did the walk of shame as I left the polling place and refused to make eye contact with anyone for fear that I would see the same helplessness reflected back into my own eyes. I honestly felt as if I just had sex with a crack whore.  There was no voter confidence as I left just shame and indifference. Didn’t matter who won or lost because in the end we’re all losers. Some just didn’t know it yet. It’s gonna be a long four years and one long night.  We watch our television in a state of awe as the polls come in. I am just sick with dread as the results come in and the experts are all admitting that the projections were all wrong. There are variables that no one ever expected. What does that say about us as a country? What kind of wake up call does this represent to not just us but those around the world that are watching the insanity spread across all fifty states. I don’t want to watch anymore, but I can’t stop. This is a time where people want change and they’re willing to sell out their morals and beliefs to get it.

Here’s the thing we all have to understand. This entire election was a mistake and we have to own it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point there’s going to be a reckoning day. I also want to make it clear that I support neither of these candidates and feel that we could have done so much better. There were other options, but we failed to see them. We look at the map and things are looking grim. We are heading toward a dark time people, and no one batted an eye or tried to see logic or reason. All I know is that I need a shower. After voting I felt ashamed for my country and I felt ashamed that I allowed myself to vote for someone that I didn’t like, but I had no other choice. Maybe in a few years I’ll look back and see that what I did was the right thing. In a few days maybe I can say I did what was expected of me and that’s the best I could do. For now I’m going to just breath and hope for a miracle, but in this race there is no miracle. Just a hope that things don’t slide too far out of control.

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Holy Balls!!!

I should point out that I’m not a Walking Dead fan at all. When the show debuted my wife and I split up and well, the last thing I had time for was television. I knew about the show but just never saw it due to not having cable. Now that it’s on Netflix I may check it out. I did hear the internet lose their collective shit over Glenn’s death. The violence was unnecessary, and they went over the top and just went straight for the gross out for ratings. I watched it. Three times even, and at some point I want to watch the entire episode. I know that there are a few whiner babies that have actually swore to never watch the show again and my question is: Do any of these people watch horror films? What the hell did they expect. A guy has a bat named Lucille for fuck’s sake. You know at some point he was going to use it right?

On the one hand I can see why people lost their shit. That one shot of Glen’s pulpy head and his hand is still twitching!  Jesus! Talk about powerful television! Negan should play for the Cleveland Indians. What I respected was the shows balls. They followed the comic I guess and really swung for the fences (that was funny!). You have a villain that is truly vile and shows just how sadistic he can be. That was what made the death so powerful. When villains are done correctly you as a viewer either love them or hate them. There’s no middle ground. What the shows creators have done is given us a fucked up psychopath that you want to see killed and badly.

It was brilliantly filmed and as you watched it you felt just like the characters did. Except they already knew what was going to happen. Was it too violent? No, and the reason I say that is because it wasn’t violence for the sake of violence. As a writer myself I can see why they chose to film this the way the way they did. It was to shock you and show just how psychotic Negan is. All of those people that don’t watch this show will now tune in. I know I will because I really like the Negan character. He’s my kind of villain. The show writers were trying to turn a corner and they did it by taking their fans into  a very dark place. You felt every swing of the bat and if they hadn’t shown it the way they did no one would have given a shit. They wanted to make an impact and they did.

Watching the entire episode was intense because it was a moment where the balance of power shifted and all you can do it watch helplessly as everything these people worked for slips away. Want a happy ending? Not going to happen here. You truly went on a ride and you really felt their loss and helplessness. It was brutal, but it had to be. There was no way to do something like this without the violence. That was where it really hit home. All of these people whining and crying that the show went to far are kind of right, yet imagine the entire episode sanitized for a wholesome audience. It wouldn’t have the same effect.

So what if The Walking Dead lost a few fans. I bet after that premier episode they’ve gained a whole bunch of new ones. They’re going to watch just to see what Negan will do. Now that he’s in control how is he going to stay in control? Will he force Rick to chop off his son’s arm again just to prove a point? Did you really think that zombies were the only thing to fear in an apocalypse? Shit, I’ve never seen the show I expected this happen way sooner. Not everyone sees a new world as a love in. People are going to become violent and selfish. Negan had to show Rick that things were changing and what a way to do that.

I didn’t find the episode too violent. I found it to be engrossing, and powerful. I couldn’t stop watching and as the credits rolled I knew that next week I’d be watching again just to see how things played out. I just hope that no one listens to the whiner babies who are all butthurt and calling for a boycott of what was once their favorite show. They saw a couple of dudes get their fucking brains bashed in and now they’re crying foul. I love a good violent story that involves great characters and that’s exactly what I got. I also got to see a guy twitching while his head was beaten into bloody pulp. This is what you do to get noticed and holy shit I was riveted! All I can say is I can’t wait until next week.

We’ve Lost Our Damn Minds

Am I the only one that watched the leaked Trump tape and laughed? Wait, before you start throwing shit at me and boycotting my books, let me explain myself and build some kind of defense. I also want to tell you that those men who are shocked and outraged by Trump’s remarks are liars. Most of them anyway. Here’s the thing that you have to understand and no, it doesn’t make make what Trump said any better. When you say you’re going to grab a chick by the pussy it isn’t meant to be heard outside of your circle of friends.The offended men are liars, they should just shut the fuck up. Seriously.

Do I support Trump in any way shape or form? Nope. I still think that Trump is a fucking idiot and anyone that votes for him should have their fucking heads examined. Why am I not outraged at what Trump said? It’s simple. I’m a dude. You should hear the way men talk about women when they’re with other dudes. You’d be shocked and ready to skin us all alive. It is it wrong? Of course it is, but we’re men and we talk about women. That’s what we do. Women, your husband and boyfriend does it too. We will see an attractive woman and point her out. We may say something like; “I’d like to bite that ass!”, or “Do fries come with that shake?” I bet women do it too. You women could probably put us to shame with your lewd comments. .

When you call a guy a rapist based on words alone you’re being a bit harsh and wrong. We objectify women in the company of other dudes, and we never ever rape them. Women shouldn’t be all that shocked by what Trump said. If we could, we’d grab a lot of women by the pussy and then just for shits and giggles we’d motor boat their titties. What I’m defending here are men who say stupid shit. It’s what we do. It’s not right and shouldn’t be heard outside of our circle of friends. When I heard the Trump tape I laughed because I have been with my friends and we’ve done the same thing. Should Trump know better? He has a dick. You can’t train a guy not to say shit like that. What would be horrifying is Trump actually grabbing women by the pussy as a way of greeting.

Now, I’m sure that there will be a lot of women angered by my comments and they’ll no doubt say that I should stop objectifying women. I have a dick, it’s just how I’m wired. Not going to happen anytime soon, but I have enough sense to keep my thoughts centered and for the most part respect women the way my mother taught me. I have enough sense to know that women are not pieces of meat and should never, ever under any circumstances be grabbed by the pussy. There is an exception to this rule. If the woman is your wife or girlfriend, then you grab ’em by the pussy. That’s the only time it’s acceptable. What I’m saying is Trump got caught being a man. Sure, he’s creepy, and an idiot, but he got grown women to say pussy. That’s fucking awesome!

I think as a culture we get offended too easily. Political correctness has gotten out of control. We now have to defend ourselves for what we say when we’re out with out friends. Our very words are being used to define who we are, and that ain’t right. As a society we have strayed away from free speech and into a place where we are ready to convict people for thought crime and hate speech just for having a different opinion than everyone else. How did we come to this? It’s all of our faults for allowing this to happen. We can no longer speak for fear that it’s going to offend someone. When you’re shocked by a leaked tape of men being men what’s next? How can we control our thoughts and design our words to be palatable to everyone? You can’t do it, there’s just no way. You’re always running the risk of offending someone.

That’s what you need to understand. I’m just trying to make people see how ridiculous this all is. We’re shocked for all the wrong reasons. There’s worse things to be offended by. I get that he’s a presidential candidate and all, but he’s still a guy. Doesn’t make it right or even better, but it is what it is. We approach an election year that is surreal and utterly terrifying, but what we have to remember is that these are our choices and we’re fucked. I mean really fucked. Neither one of these people should be running our country, but that’s just my opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

Revisiting A Shitty Album

I love the band Queen because in a world where bands stick with one sound, and one genre of music Queen never did that. While they may not be in my top ten of greatest bands of all time I will admit that they are pretty damn awesome. Freddie. That voice, and then there’s the rest of the band. Every record was always interesting because they sounded so good together. Every record tried something new and usually it worked. As shitty as Another One Bites The Dust is you can’t really hate it because it’s a perfect pop song. Queen wrote a perfect pop song and you know you want to hate it, but you’re too busy shaking your ass to it. It took  me a long time to respect the band because of who they were. They were fucking Queen. They couldn’t be called anything other than Queen. They were metal, they were pop. It was always something different and that was the appeal. and what made them so damn successful. That was what I realized much later when I could appreciate everything the band had to offer.

In my teens I wasn’t a huge fan because they bored me. I didn’t really appreciate them until I was in my late twenties. The first record I really actually fell in love with was The Miracle. That was the moment where it all clicked and the brilliance of what Queen was and is, fell into place.  It has those shitty pop moments, but it’s lyrically brilliant. That was moment I realized that I had missed out on what other people already knew about Queen.

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The one album that I haven’t listened is Hot Space. There’s a reason for this. It’s been thirty-one years since I’ve heard it in its entirety. I truly believe we all have that one album that makes us puke a little in our mouth every time we think about it. I have two. Kiss’ Music From The Elder, and Queen’s Hot Space. I used to get a lot of my records from the bargain bin (still do) because there would be times that you would find a true gem among the other pieces of shit that nobody else wanted. It’s where I found The Firm’s debut album (come to think about it I got the second album there as well and on the same day) and many others. You could buy four or five albums for around five bucks which was a pretty good deal for kids that were looking for good music. There were stacks upon stacks of albums in there. You just had to dig a little.

As a fan of metal imagine my delight when I found Hot Space. It was a Queen album and it was in the bargain bin. It had to be a mistake right? This was fucking Queen! As soon as I dropped the needle I was mortified. I knew enough about the band to realize that something was wrong. Who were these impostors? I removed the needle and checked the album to make sure no one fucked up and sure enough it was Queen but what the fuck happened to them? It was Hot Space that turned me off of Queen. I had News Of The World and that was only because a friend of mine hated it so he gave it to me. I loved that record, but Hot Space was fucking clown shoes. I listened to it and then took it off my turntable and carved Kiss into its shitty grooves and put it back in its shitty looking sleeve.

Even the album cover sucks. You only hear about this record because of Under Pressure and that’s not even a good song. It sucks worse than a hooker loose in a trailer park and she has an overbite. Nothing about this album was good. It was one of those experiments that bands have and it seems great on paper, but then you get the finished product and it’s a steaming pile of dog shit. Even the band hates this record and it’s the one album that real Queen fans don’t acknowledge because it’s the one blemish on a stellar career. Wait, we can lump the Flash Gordon soundtrack in with Hot Space can’t we? I swore that I would never listen to this shitnado again, but I lied. My girlfriend swears this album isn’t as bad as I remember so I’m going to listen to it one more time. Fuck, just the thought of it made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Staying Power has fucking horns which isn’t bad, but the lyrics are terrible and where are Roger Taylor’s drums?? This just a terrible album opener that shows a band trying to move in a new direction but seem confused. I like Dancer. It’s still got those shitty drum machines but it has a bit of swagger to it. This should have opened the record. It sounds like Queen while sounding different if that makes any sense. You can tell that this is Queen and if the rest of the record sounded like this I wouldn’t be puking after this song ends. I can see myself booty dancing to this.

So far, this isn’t as bad I remember. There are elements that still feel like Queen. Oh shit, it’s Back Chat. This is just an awful song and reminds me of why I hate this album so much. I hate shitty pop/nu wave and this is what Queen was trying to emulate. The lyrics are vapid and where the fuck is Roger Taylor? Who brought in a goddamned drum machine? I’m starting to agree with the band on this one. Body Language. Fuck. What the hell? This was the best they could write? This is actually beats Staying Power for worse song on the record and we’re only four songs in? Skip this one.

Now that I’ve escaped the shit that was Body Language I hit Action This Day. I like this. It has that Nu Wave vibe and the shitty drum machine, but it still sounds like Queen. It’s pretty bad lyrically but if you’re listening to this record you know that it could be worse. I could see this on another Queen album and it would fit. Maybe Works, or Innuendo. I like two out of four songs. I think my overall opinion of thirty one years ago isn’t going to change much but goddamn Put Out The Fire gives me hope. This is classic Queen! There’s hope right??

Life Is Real ( A Song For John Lennon) is yet another one you can skip. They really scraped the bottom of the barrel in terms of lyrics. I threw up a little just trying to get through this. Calling all Girls. Fuck I can’t even begin to describe the train wreck that this song is. It’s simple. which is fine, but only the chorus is any good and that’s saying a lot. The rest of the song is just as bad as everything else on this album. This can’t be Queen. Sadly it is and they’re on autopilot. The Words Of Love sounds like Save Me but not as good. Close to being good, but it just feels like the band are finally realizing just how badly they fucked up. The Words Of Love is a pretty decent by the numbers Queen ballad that has a whole band again.

That’s been the problem with this album. They took everything great about Queen and replaced it with synths, and drum machines. Queen isn’t a mindless pop band and when you listen to Freddie’s falsetto on Cool Cat you begin to see just how bad this experiment was. When you try and dumb yourself down to try and reinvent yourself you better make sure you can pull it off. It’s a song that just doesn’t make a Queen fan happy. There’s nothing here that’s memorable at all. Under Pressure is the most well known song on the album and its death knell. It’s a terrible song that once again misses the mark because it’s Queen trying to sound like Queen, but the album is so bad you’re too exhausted to care. Is it heavy? Yep, is it a cool Queen anthem? To some it’s like the second coming of Christ. Problem is that it’s just mediocre at best. There are better songs and there are far better records.

I struggled through it and skipped half because it’s just as unremarkable as I remember. No matter how you approach it or remaster it, it still sounds dated. It sounds like a band that has run out of ideas so they chased a few trends and come up with an uneven album that fails on a variety of fronts. No one member can be blamed for this. They all had to agree on the material but if you look at the interviews from this record they knew they fucked up, and there was no going back. They had to sell the fucking thing, but how? You couldn’t. It’s a moment that no one thought could happen. Queen wasn’t supposed to suck, but suddenly they did. Hot Mess,  I mean Hot Space is proof that no one is perfect. Not even Queen. Now do I really want to listen to its follow up The Works? I can barely remember it so maybe that’s a sign. Shit, where’s my vinyl collection. Let me put on the debut record and try and forget I listened to this.

 

 

 

 

The Stand Vs Swan Song

It’s a question that has plagued horror fans for years. Which book is better? In one corner you have the classic Robert R. McCammon novel Swan Song

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In the other you have Stephen King’s beast The Stand.

 

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Both novels have the same themes, and for King marks the answer is simple. The Stand. It was more popular and it had a comic book and a mini-series based on it. Does that really make The Stand better? It’s been years since I’ve read Swan Song and as I looked at them both sitting there on my shelf I thought; Why not read them back to back? I then put them back on my shelf because these books are huge! Over a thousand pages each. I would be crazy to take on something like this. I’m an old school King fan, and it’s because of him that I’m a writer so length isn’t really the problem. I was worried about depression. These are some serious books. You would need alcohol for a challenge like this.

Then I threw the idea out on Facebook and people were actually interested in reading a blog based on both books. Which one is in fact better? As I write this I know that I have my work cut out for me. This can’t be done half ass like. There needs to be notes, and a clear winner. I can’t pussy out and say; “They’re both really good in their own way, so there really isn’t a winner.” There has to be a clear cut winner. This is where you come in. I want your opinions. Once I pick a winner I want your feedback. Share this blog and spread the word. Horror fans are loyal people so I want to hear what you have to say.

The rules here are simple. Read both books, take notes and pick a winner. Why is the other book better? Is it plot, characters? The way it makes me feel when I dance naked rubbing the book against my chest? Writing style here is also essential. If one book bores me I may have to tap out. If I’m bored at any time reading either book we are really fucked. What kind of bullshit would that be? To be completely fair to my childhood I am reading the ’78 version of The Stand. This is the one that I grew up with and originally it was all I had to pit against Swan Song. No comics or mini-series either. I didn’t have that shit as a kid so it doesn’t count.

That’s it. I am delving into these books over the next few weeks and we will have a clear cut winner or further debate on which book is actually better. Is Swan Song a rip-off of The Stand? Tune in and find out.

 

 

Personal Space

Hi, 2nd blog in two days and I thought about this while I was at work. An entire blog just popped into my head. That’s the beautiful thing about being a writer. There are always ideas filtering  through. Some suck while others don’t. I even stopped writing this long enough to take a piss.

I did wash my hands just in case you were wondering. Nothing worse than someone pissing and not washing their hands.  I headed straight to a stall so I could piss in peace without someone wanting to start a conversation. This is all about boundaries and how some of you fuckers have absolutely none. Nothing worse than someone pissing and not washing their hands. You know that asshole is going to want to shake hands at some point during the day.

This is about personal bubbles and the need to respect them. Why is personal space such a non issue with people? This entire blog stems from a Facebook post about my experience at the bank. A crowd of people and I’m on my phone and some lady wants to talk to me. I still don’t know the protocols of politely telling someone to piss off.

When I say I hate people it’s shocking because as an author I picked the wrong profession didn’t I? I should clarify a little and just say that I hate talking to people. I’m a private person and find that talking to complete strangers isn’t high on my list of shit to do on any given day. If I look friendly I apologize. I’ll try and fix that immediately. Is it my face that makes it appear as if I’m dying to hear your life story?

I have had about an hour to think about this due to me writing it at work. Don’t worry I wasn’t loafing or searching for porn. I have a job that allows me to have free moments to collect my thoughts and ponder the fate of the universe. That’s a full of shit statement. I actually wonder why parents can’t keep their damn kids quiet and why the kids feel this insatiable need to let everyone around them know that they’re in the same general area. Not everyone finds your kids cute and charming. Some of us find them fucking annoying.

Here’s my thing. I have a personal bubble. When I’m out doing my thing I don’t want to talk to anyone. If you drop your keys or something then we can converse but unless I initiate some kind of verbal cue then stay the hell away from me! Just because you’re a chatty person doesn’t mean we all are. Some of us don’t like talking to strangers. We grew up with stranger danger and that shit always sticks with us. We have thoughts of our own to deal with. Stuff like; I really gotta shit, I hope this line moves soon, or if this asshole doesn’t shut up I’m going to pull his lips over his head.

What also bothers me are the huggers and the touchers. I think I may have spoken about this in other blogs but nothing creeps me out more than when people touch me or want to hug me. I’m not afraid of germs I just don’t like being touched.When strangers do it I lose my shit. It’s gross and unnecessary. I don’t know where your hands have been so refrain from putting them anywhere near me. We all learned about personal space right? Why is it so hard to respect that shit? If you don’t know someone why the fuck are you touching them? Are you that starved for attention that you have to touch strangers??

If I know you then by all means touch away unless you’re grabbing my cash and prizes. That’s where I draw the line. I explained this to Mindy and it came out wrong. I’m cool with her touching me, but if I didn’t know her it would be totally different. I’ve decided that if and when I do book signings it’s going to be extremely hard for me to stay calm and not freak out when people want to shake hands or touch me. I may have to have a Purell station close by just to be safe. I’ll refrain from cringing on the outside but inside I will be screaming. As far back as I can remember I’ve always been like this. I’ve gotten over a few of my anxiety issues but I’m sure I still have some left and you aren’t helping me.

I don’t mean to sound like an asshole but I like my personal bubble. I hate when it’s raped by thoughtless people that want to talk about their cat or how long they’ve been waiting in line. Doesn’t concern me because in about two seconds I won’t even remember who you are or that your cat gets raging boners when you touch his chin. Mindless conversations irritate me because I don’t know what to say to you. What is it that you want? Are you lonely or just want to feel as if you’ve made some sort of connection with a random dude at the bank? Are we supposed to exchange numbers and maybe meet up later for coffee?

I’m a really nice guy when you get to know me but I don’t want to know everyone I come in contact with. It’s exhausting. I don’t have that kind of time and you shouldn’t either damn it. It makes me feel like a  slacker that I haven’t talked to my 100th stranger of the day. Just sit in your seat or stand in line and shut the fuck up. It’s really not that difficult.