My Year In Review Or My Greatest Hits

For me to able to do this is pretty rad because for quite some time I haven’t been able to look back at an entire year and say; “This was a kick ass year!” The downside is that people will read this and get butt hurt because I have managed to have 365 days that didn’t suck. Sure, I got sick, and I’ve been through quite a few changes but I have to say that they were all for the better and it made the year that much better. I’m not one to toot my own but toot toot. I could have done this on Face book in a montage of selfies and useless knowledge about random shit but they don’t tell the entire story. I want people to read this blog and say; “Gloat much?” I can say in all fairness and honesty that I don’t. When I look back on the last few years I can tell you that there were moments that were great and I was awesome, but in the huge scheme of say 1 to awesome it wasn’t really all that awesome. I deserve a good year and god damn it I am going to gloat and toot my own horn because I can, and I haven’t been able to say that a year has been great in a very long time, This year I can say that it doesn’t suck to be me.

Right now I have my beautiful girlfriend next to me watching Firefly while I try and figure out how  to put this year in some kind of linear fashion that proves that this was a year worthy of a review. The mere fact that this woman loves me and lives with me is one of those things that makes me scratch my bald head a little. I am not the easiest person to live with yet she accepts me for the mess that I am. Moving in with her was one the best decisions I have ever made. She completes me which I know sounds cliched but it’s true. She keeps me focused on my writing and makes me feel less like a total fuck up. I think we all need someone like that. She puts things in perspective which I need because the ADD makes it hard to stay focused. I never thought that I would be in a relationship again and I sure as hell never thought that I’d want to spend the rest of my life with anyone but she’s someone that I see where I am and where  I want to be and I see her standing next to me.

This has been the year where I discovered that I actually am a damn good writer which is still surreal and bizarre. I have experimented with different genres and have discovered that I am capable of writing more than just stories that are filled with gore. As a writer I have finally grown comfortable to an extent and over the last year I have had stories published by J Ellington Ashton Press and even one of my favorite publishers Dynatox Ministries.

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To have a story in a book published by Jordan Krall is pretty fucking cool. This is an indie pub that specializes in limited edition chap books and they look amazing. It was cool to have a book published but to have other people include my work in their anthologies is just as rad. One of those anthologies has been published and there are more coming out soon. As a writer I’m at that point where I feel comfortable which does sound weird but I look at Legacy as my jumping off point. Who knows where I’ll end up next .

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I wrote that and what really surprised me is that other writers have read it and have liked it enough to give it some pretty solid reviews. Just having a book published was enough, but when writers actually thank you in their books for being an inspiration and cool it’s mind blowing. The one thing that I learned is that it’s important to never lose who you are. Yes, I have a book published but that doesn’t make me any better than any other writer struggling to get their shit out there. I was very lucky to have a book published and at the end of the day I wrote and indie novella that a few writers and people in the UK dig. My career is slowly building momentum and it’s humbling to know that people are buying my little novella. Getting published was a high point for me. Getting the sequel to Legacy done is the next goal that I’m working on achieving.

What I love is that my girlfriend is 100% supportive. She allows me to branch off into these other projects and not once does she complain. She loves me despite the ADD and the side projects and never complains, That is how you know you’ve got a good woman. She loves you despite your flaws and many many side projects. Not many women would put up with me, and I know how lucky I am. Even when I do shit like this

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She may just gives me an eye roll and a look that tells me I’ve truly lost my fucking mind.

I was able to accomplish a lot this year and my love of hair metal has really amused her to the point where I’ve become accustomed to that look that tells me I’ve truly lost my fucking mind. I did try and listen to newer music but it just wasn’t as awesome as the hair metal. I tried, I really did, but I did discover that I really like 30 Seconds To Mars. I also branched away from my normal diet of splatter punk and bizarro fiction and started reading the Harry Potter series because she fucking loves that shit and because I love her I wanted to see why she likes it so much. It’s that balance that I admire. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and it’s been a bit weird but a good weird.

I was also able to write reviews for a website called brutal books. I have read a lot of great books this year and I like the creative side, and I also like getting a chance to introduce books to other people. The hardest part is knowing what it takes to create a book so I tend to look at the story itself and not how many mistakes are in a story. Only an asshole does that. I want to read a book and get sucked in. A great story is all I want and through brutal I have been able to read some really good shit. Horror isn’t dead folks.

Here it is my year in review. I got a book published, met a hot nerd and fell in love, was offered a chance to review for brutabooks.com and because the authors liked my reviews they sent me advanced reading copies of their new books, I started Legacy 2 and was then asked to take part in Rejected For Content 2 and was accepted, I began work on L2 once again and then was offered a chance to sub for Autumn Burning: Dread Time For The Wicked Soul and my story  The Pumpkin man was included which I have to say was pretty fucking cool.

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I sent stories to Jordan Krall and have two stories in two of his anthologies that were given a limited release. Was offered a chance to sub a story in a very cool clown anthology and was accepted. Moved in with hot nerd and fell even more in love. Resumed work on L2 and even received threats that I should finish the book or else.  It was a great year and I cannot wait for 2015.

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Playing Dress Up With My Invisible Friend

I have to be honest and say that I’m not really a fan of fall, It’s a shitty boring season that just prolongs an even shittier season which is winter. Fuck fall. Fuck all the leaves changing color and let’s just be honest and admit that fall is just a shitty bi-polar month, You can never dress right in the fall. You can guess what it’s going to be and I guess in other states or countries that you live in that would be fine but I live in Ohio. Our weather people can’t predict our weather because it changes every fifteen minutes. You can step outside and it’s seventy. Go back in, get some coffee and go back out it’s gone down to fifty degrees. People that live in Ohio bitch all the time about the weather we have but where the fuck are we gonna go? We have kids and jobs. We’re stuck. The older I get the more cantankerous I become. To me the perfect weather is around seventy. Any hotter and I hate leaving my house. I have central air so why in the hell do I need groceries? It’s hot out, Fuck it, I’m watching Netflix.

I have to point out in this blog that I have the best girlfriend ever, I say this because I know how difficult I can be, She puts up with a lot from me. We go to the store and I am distracted by the most random shit, I go in for soap and come out with shit I didn’t know I wanted. (Edit in from the girlfriend.  As I just pointed out to him, he didn’t want it until he saw it.  I need to blindfold him when we go shopping.) Instead of grabbing me by my shoulders and slapping the piss out of me she giggles. As soon as I hear that I know that at some point the ADD kicked in and I am in full Hammy the squirrel mode. She never complains and that’s part of why I love her. She knows how bad shit will get once I’m outside yet she just rolls her eyes and giggles.

Dating a smart woman has some serious benefits, On top of being amazing and beautiful she uses big words which is sexy as fuck. Having a conversation with her is freeing, I don’t have to dumb myself down or explain myself because she totally understands me. There’s nothing worse than talking to your girlfriend and looking over at her and you’ve totally broken her by just talking to her. It’s one thing to break a girl during sex but when you’re having a conversation and you look at her and her eyes are glazed over, and she’s drooling you know you’ve just broken her. There’s no relationship after that. She just became that dumb bitch you have to get rid of.

As a writer it’s important to be with someone who stimulates you mentally. I had this check list of what I was looking for in a woman and she had every quality that I was looking for and she totally accepts me for who I am. I can be just as fucking random as I want and she is right there with me. She reads every fucked up story I write and she still loves me. I took on book reviews for brutalbooks.com which is a great splatterpunk website. After reading this you should go and check it out. Instead of saying you might be taking on too much she supported me and was happy for me. She may not read the books I review but so what I don’t expect her to. That would make me a bit of an asshole.

Now that’s October I can finally rejoice because as a horror fan I love Halloween. What’s not to like about a month designed to scare the shit out of you. What annoys me is that people only watch horror movies during the Halloween season which really confuses me. Horror films are such a huge part of entertainment avoiding them would be almost impossible. A world without horror would be a sad world. I need to see Jason chop up some hot naked chick or, watch as Leatherface fucks shit up with a chainsaw, As a horror writer I urge those people who only watch horror films and read horror novels only in October to please stop being an asshole. You’re killing me.

As the year creeps to its end I have to say that this has been an awesome year for me. I became a published author, started dating an amazing woman and I’m being published in six anthologies that people who only read horror stories in October won’t get to read until next year. I went from wondering if I was good enough to thinking yep, I am good enough so as soon as these anthologies are out I will throw links up everywhere. A lot of doors are opening for me and I have a lot of people to thank for that. I even managed to get two stories into Dynatox anthologies. That in itself is pretty fucking cool To be a fan of not only Jordan Krall, but his publishing company Dynatox Ministries, and then have stories featured in two of his books is a true watershed moment for me. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but toot toot. No one knows that I write but that’s beside the point. Soon they will and even when, and if they do it doesn’t matter to me.  I didn’t write to be famous and if anyone does that they’re going to be disappointed real fast. I am having a blast and I’m growing into a decent writer,

The splatterpunk genre has been amazing. I have had a few authors invite me to submit stories for a couple of anthologies. Stuart Keane, Jim Goforth, and Jeff O’Brien are some of the coolest dudes around. Not only are they talented writers but they have made this writing thing a lot easier. There is a huge network of support in the splatterpunk community ad guys like Alex Johnson, and even women like Cat Dahman have a true passion and love for this genre. I’m proud to be a part of it. You can follow me on Facebook by following this link here https://www.facebook.com/splatterpunkmonkey. As a fan of horror I don’t mind connecting with other horror fans. I am all out of shit to say so here is where we part company.

I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

     Now that I’m a published author that shit comes out often from other people. I don’t say it because no one knows the fuck I am. I wrote an extreme horror novel that gets very little  publicity. Let’s face it when I tell people what genre I write in they get this blank look on their face and when I mention that it’s quite violent they regretfully tell me that they’re not really into that type of fiction. I’m not bitching and I’m quite proud to be in a genre with people like Richard Laymon and Edward Lee. If the book ever sells I look forward to those questions that ask me why I feel the need to be so violent and do I ever feel that I’ve gone too far? I walk out of my apartment wearing my Exorcist T-shirt and no one knows that I was the guy that wrote Legacy. It would be cool to be recognized but the truth is that I’m an indie author that still works a full time job. Nothing has changed and thank God for that, When you get a bit of notoriety people automatically think you’ve changed or have some new attitude. What’s funny is that when people find out I have a book published they think I should announce it. I should just walk into the grocery store and yell: “Who got a published? That’s right bitches. This guy!”  No one gives a shit because no one reads and if they do they don’t read my type of fiction. If I were a type of movie I’d be low grade porn and if I were a type of music I’d be black metal but not the shitty kind.

     If I had written a romance novel I’d be raking in the bucks. Romance novels sell because soccer moms and bored housewives need a book full of fucking, You don’t even need a plot for that shit just a cowboy or a knight and a princess or a dirty little slut trying to change her life but can’t stop fucking. Every scene would be full of sex. She’d be grocery shopping and drop her list and some random dude would show up and start banging her in the deli aisle. Shit, to write a romance novel you just have to think like a woman. Imagine that you have a vagina and bam. Soccer moms want to feel all hot in the ass and to forget about the kids and the husband that finds farts funny. Women like the idea of romance and guys have dicks so we tend to not be romantic. Why do you think they make us watch chick flicks? They want us to make them swoon and to feel that they haven’t gotten into a relationship with a caveman. In romance novels the guys never pull out their cocks and say; “Wanna touch it?”  The women always get their clothes ripped off and are bent over kitchen tables and talked to as if every moment is full of sex and sweat. If I had written a book like that I would be the shit and soccer moms would flash me their tits.

     Instead, I wrote a novel about a serial killer. I actually send pictures of drills and jack hammers to my girlfriend asking if I can buy one. It’s gotten to the point where she reads the new manuscript and tells me we aren’t allowed to have a hammer. Ever. I can’t even watch her sleep. The crazy thing is that this woman loves me and loves that I write shit that scares the hell out of most women. Sure, I’m not allowed to own power tools or handle anything sharp and pointy when she’s around but she fucking loves me and that is awesome. When I’m writing and she hears me giggle she asks me what I’ve done this time and I love that if I feel that a certain scene is total shit she’ll give me an honest answer. Most women won’t be honest with you because you’re the writer and they don’t want to offend you but she doesn’t care. She loves my book and isn’t mortified by the violence. I have the best girlfriend ever. I am lucky to have someone who not only gets me but gets why I write what I do. When I got published I swear that she was more excited than I was.

      I found my hot nerd and damnit she may not be familiar with splatterpunk but she’s trying and that’s fucking awesome. Of course there’s a trade off and I have to learn about Dr Who and Harry Potter but if you date a nerd you have to sit through the Avengers. I do this because I love her and she puts up with the horror movies and all out weirdness that I write. Relationships are all about equality and I may not dig Thor but I dig the way she feels in my arms so I will watch that shit over and over again. I have never read a Harry Potter book but if it makes her smile I will read that shit. She’s reading Richard Laymon so of course I’ll read Potter. I will read Potter and not bitch I swear. That will probably be my next blog. Fuck Harry Potter. The main thing is that I’m dating a hot nerd. A woman that I can have an intelligent conversation with and ask who shot first? Han or Greedo and she’ll get it.

     I also have to talk about the new apartment and the fact that for an entire month I was extremely broke. So broke that I my paychecks were gone as soon as they hit the bank. I had the starving artist thing down and can tell you that it’s a real thing. I know what you’re thinking: “You’re a published writer how is that possible?” I write extreme horror. If I wrote about busty maidens getting fucked every other page I’d be rolling in dough but I write about a dude that slaughters people so you can see right off Oprah isn’t inviting me to be a part of her book club. If you guys don’t follow this link and buy my book no one knows it exists. If no one reviews it no one is willing to part with their hard earned money and take a risk on a new author. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe-ebook/dp/B00KKNRPQ4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405064744&sr=8-1&keywords=Michael+Noe  there’s the link. Check out Legacy and leave a comment if you’ve read it and check me out on Goodreads and like my author page https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8289470.Michael_Noe

   

Splatterpunk And Manginas

     With Legacy being released I figured why not take a vacation to promote it? I had actually reached a point where I needed some time off. I work third shift so I could use a normal bed time. I think most of all what I really wanted was a chance to settle into my apartment. A week off doing Jack shit was exactly what I needed.

     I was able to lose an entire manuscript due to an accidently tablet reformat and I also got to see my book in print format which is pretty rad. I spent so much time writing it and then seeing what the finished product looked like that I didn’t even imagine what it would feel like actually holding a copy in my hands. It’s a bit surreal and when people ask you to sign theirs you have no idea what to write. It’s almost like signing someone’s yearbook all over again. What the hell am I supposed to write? See you around maybe?

     I’ve settled into the new apartment and due to a new relationship I have a woman already marking territory. It sounds pretty frightening but it’s not.It just shows that if a woman likes you some of her stuff will just migrate into your apartment. You may not even realize how much stuff is there until you open your medicine cabinet and find your girls tooth brush and in the fridge you find her coffee creamer.

     I’ve noticed that if a woman really likes you she slowly brings stuff into the apartment when you’re not looking and you’re favorite t-shirt comes up missing not long after you’ve taken it off. The whole shirt thing I’ll never understand and I assume it’s a chick thing because I have never stolen a chick’s shirt just cos it smells like her. As a horror writer I have to be careful because I do have a rep to uphold. I can’t be all mushy and shit and spout off poetry. That would result in me losing my hardcore horror writers card. People have this idea of what a horror writers supposed to be and now that my first book has been released I have to be careful.

     I just can’t believe that my vacation is almost over. I have another year before my next one and I need to plan better. I hope by then I’ll have another book out or at the very least a movie made based on Legacy. I would love to see what I created on a flat screen tv. I don’t even care if it’s direct to blu-ray as long as that shit gets made.

     I can also tell you that if you’re a writer hoping to be published you are going to need to get a pimp hat. You think just because you wrote the book you’re done? Not true and I have spread links faster than Linsdsey Lohan’s thighs and you never know if it’s actually working. You want people to read your book so you network and become a pimp. Is it fun? It can be because you should be proud of your work. If you aren’t then why the fuck did you agree to have it published? You should quit now because you have no business writing.

     I had no idea that promotion would become like a second job but that’s why I took the vacation. I want people to read Legacy so I spread links and even added it to Goodreads hoping someone would at least review it. The thing is that reviews are really hard to come by and it’s kind of like pulling teeth. I’m curious to see what people thought of it. As a writer you vomit out this novel through your brain and then fret that people aren’t’ going to like it.

     Let’s go back to the woman for a moment because I’m sure there are a lot of people who are saying; Fuck the book mate, tell us about the woman. I keep going back to Of Mice And Men and Lenny is all about the rabbits. Tell me about the rabbits George! That’s how I feel. The book Isn’t as important as the woman who has started bringing stuff into my apartment. Tell me about the woman Mike.

     When I compiled the list I had no idea that this woman actually existed. I figured I’d write the list and promptly forget about it because I just wrote the list so people would stop trying to get me to date. At the time I lived with my parents so it would have been embarrassing to date anyway and feel as if I were totally invested in a relationship.  No woman is going to want to date me for very long and I accepted it and compiled the list. I was able to tell people to politely piss off that way.

     The thing to remember about life is that it happens no matter what. You can say that you are going to be single forever but at some point a woman is going to approach you and she is going to blow your mind. You can’t plan for that type of shit either. You just wake up one morning and she approaches you out of nowhere and before you know it you’re wondering what happened.

     All I will say is that she is exactly what I’ve been looking for. The geek, the chick who is not only intelligent but someone that totally gets me. She sees exactly how random I can be and she accepts it. A woman like this is awesome because she Isn’t looking to mold you into someone you will never be. She will have you watchihng Dr Who and Firefly because she loves this shit and to compromise she is williing to watch some weird fucked up movie because she likes you.

     This is the kind of woman that you can listen to old Beatles songs and you see her in most of them. It’s rare to find a woman like that so all you can really do is hope for the best and invite her over for dinner. When she walks in the door you get all excited and think that this is the happiest you’be been all day.

     I realize that If I write anymore of this blog my reputation as a hardcore splatterpunk author will suddenly become questionable. How in the hell does he manage to write such a fucked up novella with a vagina? So instead of bringing my manhood into question I’ll just end this blog here.

Higher Than God

     It’s been a crazy couple of weeks but now it seems as if things are finally settling down or depending on how you look at it it could also be gearing up to be totally crazy again. I’ve been talking about the new book for awhile and it is now available on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Michael-Noe/dp/1461016002/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1401314012&sr=8-2&keywords=Michael+Noe. Follow the link and grab yourself a copy. I’m really proud of how it turned out and I still feel like I’m going to puke. You can also follow the official Facebook page here. https://www.facebook.com/evillives?ref=bookmarks. If you’re a fan of splatterpunk you’ll dig this. I have to be honest though and say that when I first saw the book on Amazon it was pretty fucking cool and I’m extremely lucky to be a published author.

    I finally moved out of my mom’s and it’s starting to feel like home. I am sitting at my own kitchen table writing this blog. It took a long time to get to this point but it was well worth it. There always comes that point where you look back and see the journey you’ve made and ask yourself if you had a chance to do things all over would you? It would be easy to say of course because the last few years have been rough but would the outcome be the same? If I had the chance to change things and be totally happy would I still be here in this moment happier than I’ve ever been and feeling vindicated that I refused to quit? I earned my scars and I display them proudly so the answer is no, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I would gladly go through the same struggles and agony because I’m not a quitter. I wouldn’t know how to adapt to where my life is now without the heartache and struggles I have gone through.

     I have to talk about the apartment because if anyone has lived in an apartment complex no matter how big you have to  deal with a lot of shit and you have to  have a sense of humor about it.  I have neighbors that love to stare and I call them the welcoming committee. They have yet to bring me a pie or a casserole but I’m waiting patiently,  These are the people you avoid because no matter what goes on here they know about it. They know who you’re fucking even if you haven’t fucked anyone yet and they also know how many people visit your apartment on any given day. When I first moved in I thought that my dick was exposed or something because they were gawking at me the entire time. I have thought about buying assless chaps for my trips to the dumpster and mailbox. What scares me is that they live right on the end so I can’t even sneak into my apartment after a night of drunken sex.

     I’m a hermit by nature and because of my work schedule it’s impossible to know when I’m home. In any apartment complex you have that creepy guy that no one sees and when you do it’s like hitting the lottery. I’m that guy! I come and go at odd hours and I’m expecting one brave neighbor to venture over just to make sure that I’m not storing body parts in my kitchen. I’m expecting my shipment of books on Monday and that should add to the mystery a little. I can already hear the discussion already. “He’s never home and just today he got a box delivered to his door. I bet it’s a bomb.” I’m sure at some point I’ll meet my neighbors but with the book and the job and the new girlfriend the neighbors are the least of my worries.

     There are a lot of kids here and it drives me nuts when they stand outside of my apartment and scream. I have no idea why they feel the need to stop by my window and scream but I want to thank them for acting like assholes. I have a playground next door so I expect them to run around like drunken little midgets but Jesus Christ have some respect. I have zero patience as it is and sure, I have kids and I love them but I hate every other kid I come in contact with. They have no quiet voice at all and as they run around they feel as if the entire neighborhood should be aware of their presence. I don’t want to hear that shit while I’m watching a movie and I don’t run around their apartment acting like an asshole. I am getting older and expect a level of not just respect but privacy so kindly get the fuck off of my lawn jack ass!

     Maybe, just maybe these kids are in cahoots with their mothers. You know the women that are trying to find a baby daddy? Apartment complexes like these are perfect for late night booty calls and any women that sees a single guy gets a little excited and prays to God that this could be the one. You  know the guy that sweeps her off her feet and declares his love for her on the jungle gym. Having sex with a single mom is tricky because they aren’t looking at just today or even a week from now, They want to marry you so you can be their kids baby daddy. These are evil vile women that wear sweat pants and wife beaters to attract a man and once he’s snared game over. You wake up and the kids staring at you and asks; “Are you my new daddy?” If that ever happens just fucking run. Forget the pancakes and just get the fuck out. That bitch is already planning your wedding. You may as well just move in at that point.

     I did start dating again which is probably upsetting to the single women that live here and are looking for a baby daddy. My girlfriend will never be invited over for tea or get to gossip with the gawkers. By coming into my apartment at random times she has probably fueled a great deal of gossip which I find amusing as hell. Let me talk to the dads for a second because you’ll be able to relate to this, When you’re a prime target for gossip and you have the girlfriend over and your ex-wife drops off the kids doesn’t it make you giggle because you know they’re trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. There are strange women going in and out of your apartment so what do you do? If your me you walk with a slight limp. My girl is amazing and it’s made this whole move easier and a lot more fun. It kind of sucks that the neighbors see her coming and going so much yet they have never said hello.

    I guess for awhile these blogs are going to be a lot of fun to write. I have the apartment and the girlfriend and the book. I have a lot of shit to get into so the adventure begins again. If you’ve read this blog in the past you’ll remember that I wrote about all sorts of crazy random  shit. This time it’s a bit different because I have lived on my own but this time it’s all about readjusting and finding a balance that works. The book and the apartment kind of fell together quickly and at the same time so I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I have reconnected with an amazing woman who is exactly what I’ve been looking for but this time she’s a mystery that not many people are going to read about. The big question is has she read the blogs? Yep she has and she’s amused by them and yes she’s read the book and knows all about me yet she hasn’t run screaming which is awesome.

    

New Horizons Or How To Not Be An Optimist

     It seems as if the move will actually happen due to a variety of coincidences that are truly above and beyond my control. I just had this crazy idea that I needed to start looking for my own place and then it just started spiraling out of control. Of course with the move comes the realization that I still have no furniture or dishes. I never thought to start buying that shit and stockpiling it. I could’ve been like some mad squirrel storing nuts or something for the winter. I knew I would move at some point but I never in a million years thought that it would happen as quickly as it did. I usually get an idea, fuck around for awhile and then get serious. Not this time. People are calling this streak of good luck a blessing from God or as I like to call sorry I didn’t save your house, how about a respite from all the shit that your life has thrust upon you?

     I am actually trying to be positive but when I get positive and think that things are going to work out I get kicked in the balls. Every goddamn time. I learned not to be too happy but as I start shopping more I find that I am pretty excited about the next phase of my life. If my life were a band I would be on my fourth lead singer. This is the stage where you play state fairs and half empty bars. You start to appreciate the fact that you aren’t dead and when a girl smiles at you it seems as if the day may not turn to shit after all. This is stage four I think. The first stage was the implosion of my marriage and finding out that I can survive on my own, stage two is the fire and the just breathing portion, so this would actually be the third stage of my life and if I were a band I would be on my third lead singer. I would play half empty arenas and state fairs and the occasional Casino for free drinks and blow jobs from toothless hookers. I would be at the stage where I should know better than to snort coke off of a strippers tits but it’s just so much fun I can’t help myself.

     Dare I start to think positive about where my life is heading? I think it’s still a little early to be too optimistic. At any moment a piano could fall out of the sky and crush me to death. I used to watch a show called Dead Like Me and the title character was killed by a toilet falling out of an airplane. That would be me. I would be walking along and wham! death by toilet. I never ever want to be the person that is overly cheery. You know the type of person I’m talking about. These are the assholes that are filled with boundless energy and find that life is GREAT! These are the people that feel as if they should be your cheerleaders and will go to great lengths to make you laugh or even cheer you up. They have no idea how annoying they are and think you’re a grumpy Gus that just needs a hug. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Are they on drugs? There’s no way to ask and get a straight answer due to their asshole answer of; “I’m high on life.” Is that even possible? These are the people that drive you batshit crazy with their fucked up attitude about life beng what you make it, Fucking hippies.

     Don’t even get me started on those wonderful people that are trying to see this as a way for me to date. I’m moving just so I can get my balls licked. After living with my mom and step dad for close to two years why not move out and start dating? Sounds like a blast right? Give up on my space and freedom just so I can trade it in on matching his and her toothbrushes. When I think about living with a woman I start getting throw up sick. I have no desire to move in with a woman. I want my balls left on my body and not in a jar under the kitchen sink. I don’t want to work twelve hours and come home and cuddle and talk about her day. When I don’t feel like talking then I become an asshole because I don’t give a shit about her day. some days I just want her to shut the fuck up and not get pissed off if I want to relax by myself. that never happens though does it? Never.

     If I date a woman that lives in my apartment building how in the hell do I get away from her? Sure the sex will be fun because she’s right down the hall but what if we break up and I start dating someone else? if she turns out to be some crazy stalker there’s no escape. I could come home one day and find odd notes about her ideas on forever and the kicker would be a Kelly Clarkson mix tape. You never want to date a chick that lives in the same neighborhood. Very bad idea because you never know when she’s going to become a total cunt. At some point women do become cunts and it isn’t pretty. They glare at you with the crazy eyes and want to know what you’re thinking all the time. She wants to hang out with you and talk nonstop. Who wants that shit? I think dating in general is a bullshit option and would prefer just a quickie in a Wendy’s bathroom. When we’re done I’ll buy you a Frosty and we go our separate ways. I don’t want your number so just take the Frosty and go.

     I don’t hate women and if I could just get them to take off their clothes without opening their mouths life would in fact be perfect. I would become one of those overly cheery people. I’d hum fucking Barry Manilow and say hi to every motherfucker I came in contact with. I’d be kissing babies, laughing a lot more and just being the asshole you can’t stand because I’m just so damned happy all the time. I can talk to woman that are married or dating other people. It’s easy because there are rules. These women are okay to talk to because they’re involved with someone and the possibility of fucking isn’t there. You take away the ability or the opportunity to fuck a woman and a lot of guys can’t take it and bail. Women are great but I have reached a point where dating and even relationships just aren’t that important.

     I have been looking at all my shit scattered in a way that I can find it and keep willing myself to pack but if I do pack and everything falls apart I’d just have to unpack again and that’s a real pain in the ass. I have never been a fan of moving. Is anyone? I always promise myself that this will be the last time but it never is. This time maybe it could be the last time. I’m not an optimistic person by any means but sometimes I lie to myself just to make myself feel better. There’s no harm in it and it’s not like I’m hurting my feelings because I know it’s bullshit. I know myself pretty well and I’ve gotten used to the lies. I told myself that dating an unintelligent woman would work out well and remove a lot of the issues I have with relationships. That was a big fuckng lie but I allowed myself to believe it and looking back it still seemed like a good idea and almost worked as long as I kept dumbing myself down.

     Thursday is the true beginning and I’m sure that the orientation will give me at least a blog or a new view of how stupid people can be. You never know. I could even meet the girl of my dreams here. She could be wearing a wife beater and sweat pants and as an added bonus she could be holding a baby. I could be be this woman’s baby daddy. We could live forever in the projects and I’ll work and she’ll buy my stay at home girlfriend. Isn’t that what the American dream is? True love and all that horseshit? All I know is that I am going nuts trying to convince myself that the move is going to happen. That inner voice of course is telling me that I’m full of shit but I think he’s wrong.

Apartment Hunting

      Once upon a time my blog was a great guide for men who suddenly found themselves single. I was a work in progress that not only had to juggle living alone but weekend visits with his kids. After the fire though everything went to hell and the shit that made my blogs so much fun was gone. If you manage to read those blogs you’ll see a guy who was just surviving and blogging about it. I was able to turn the shit that bugged me into blogs. That was my way of dealing with all of the changes I was going through. I was able to be honest and admit that I had no fucking clue what I was doing and I still don’t. Three years ago my wife didn’t want to be married to me anymore and that sucked but I was able to take a step back and become someone that I never thought I could be. Independent. It was important for me to prove people wrong. I don’t care what people think usually, but after my wife and I split up I knew that I couldn’t give up because then all those people would have been right. I can’t exist on my own. So I was forced to look at myself and see what I needed to do be a better person.

     Now two years after a house fire I feel that same feeling of both fear and excitement. I have to find a place to live and not lose my mind in the process. I’m a very private person, yeah I know why the fuck am I blogging? It’s cheaper than therapy? I know that I can’t live in a complex full of people. I’ll be honest and admit that I am not a people person. You put me in a crowded room and I am screaming on the inside to go home. I can plaster on a fake smile and schmooze all fucking day but I’m not listening to you. I may pretend to give a shit but odds are I’m thinking about what I had for lunch or not even thinking at all. I just let my mind drift until it becomes like the white noise on a television. That brings me to the place I looked at today. There were apartments every fucking where and no privacy at all. None. There are people everywhere and do you know what that means? People are all in your shit. You can’t live in a place like that without everyone knowing about what you’re doing.  In my situation I can’t have a bunch of gossip floating around, Gossip is a motherfucker that serves no purpose in life after a certain age. I don’t partake in the shit because it’s harmful and at some point the edges between fact and fiction become blurred. In complexes like that gossip Is a way of passing the time between loads of laundry or a trip to the mailbox.

     I find nosey people amusing because they usually lead such dull and miserable lives that they become absorbed in everyone else’s. The way the apartments are set up is crazy. if there’s a fire you’re fucked. You may as well kiss your ass goodbye. I also saw my neighbors or at least the few that were out and holy crap on a cracker! I have nothing against white trash folks but here I’m surrounded . I have a weakness for hillbilly hot women, I can’t help it. You show me a chick in sweatpants and a wife beater and my dick gets hard. Imagine me in the summer if I lived there? If I decide to date I know that i would date an intelligent woman that is not hillbilly hot so there’s the temptation of having sex with a hillbilly hot neighbor while my intelligent girlfriend is at home wondering what I’m doing. With that many units I wondered what the neighbors were actually like. Were there any serial killers?  I don’t mean to say I plan on dating a chick that’s smart and looks like Quasimodo or anything but I’m just attracted to different things. If she’s smart and speaks well I will kiss her goddamn feet. I don’t care what she looks like. Not important. If she’s into all the fucked up shit I’m into that’s all that matters to me. I would rather have a woman that can talk to me and keep me challenged

      The apartment itself was actually smaller than I thought it would be. The only place for my insane collection of books would be in my bedroom. The kids of course would grow bored inside due to the lack of space and would eventually want to run around outside. The selling point for me was the lake. As I walked through the place I saw it through the eyes of my eleven year old twins. Forget my wish list because it doesn’t matter. All I kept thinking was: Are they going to be happy here? They are going to be here every other weekend so if they hate it then what do I do? I can’t move. I thought about it hard as I looked in the kitchen and checked out the shower. I saw the second bedroom and thought that maybe all three of us could make it work. In the end I decided to keep my options open to see what else was available. It was a situation where I had to simmer down and control the excitement. I needed to see the apartment full and when I say full I mean three kids an ex-wife, a best friend and her two kids and then just random people dropping by. I have a lot of books and dvds so factor all of that in and your space gets even smaller.

      Apartment hunting is serious business. Once you sign that lease you are fucked. Nothing will allow you to escape. If your neighbors drink and beat the shit out of each other you are fucked. All you can do is pray that one of them dies, or at the very least stops fighting long enough to have angry sex and then then during the angry sex one of them dies. At some point even the happiest couple grow to loath on another. It’s evilution or some bullshit. There are a lot of factors that can ruin an apartment and a lease could turn into a jail sentence. There is no perfect home just a nice quiet place live without asshole neighbors fucking life up for the normal people. There are tons of horror stories, tons of stories that involve fat, sweaty naked guys shaking their penis at you for no reason at all. What possesses a person to shake their penis at strangers? Do you wake up one morning and decide fuck it today my penis wants to say hello to everyone. True story, I lived in Summit Lake apartments and there was a guy that would actually look into women’s apartments and beat off. No shit, and I couldn’t imagine doing that. That takes balls,.
    
     I have only shaken my penis at women I know and even then I have their permission. Does anyone want to go look at apartments with me? You can randomly ask what I’m thinking and I’ll say: I wonder if there are ghosts? Do you think anyone died in here? There are so many random thoughts that go through my head I almost start laughing because most of them are just insane and make no sense at all. It’s just part of what makes me who I am I guess. There’s no fixing it, or ignoring it. I’ve tried several times. I can’t even imagine shit like what the room could like after I move in. All I see is are empty rooms and a toilet just waiting for me to drop a deuce in it. Did I go to far with that one? The toilet is important because you may want to have sex on it and what happens when you break it? What kind of cover story would work? That would be some intense fucking to break a toilet wouldn’t it?

     The quest to find the new man cave is on and I think I found “home” today. This place was perfect. Quiet neighborhood, plenty of space and I know that the twins will be happy there. Now once I actually move are you fuckers ready for blogs about me realigning and adjusting to life on my own? The fun part is that I’m brutally honest and have no problems expressing myself. If you write a blog you have to be somewhat honest. Essentially, in the beginning I wanted to reach out to people who were just like me. Just breathing and moving from one day to the next. Do people relate to that? I have no idea but I wonder sometimes. Doesn’t everyone? What the hell am I headed for? I have no idea but I’m taking you with me. The adventure of it sounds intriguing doesn’t it? Random neighborhoods full of hillbilly hotchicks and maybe an occasional cousin Skeeter. The thing I’m excited about is the ability to delve back into the kind of blogs that were fun and showed just how clueless I really am about some shit.