The Ego Deflated

I’m supposed to be editing but here I sit checking email and listening to REO Speedwagon. Have you ever tried to edit while listening to heavy metal? It’s a nightmare and I can’t concentrate. When I edit I usually look it as a chance to improve what’s already there and then my awesome girlfriend does the proper editing and will point out my glaring mistakes. She’s good at it and I trust her with whatever I’m writing. Without her my manuscripts wouldn’t be as tight as they are in my head. So I have a variety of different styles of music that I listen to while writing. Some of my most brutal scenes were written while listening to Taylor Swift and the occasional Kelly Clarkson stalker record. REO is calming and allows me to focus which for me is a difficult thing to do. This record is one of the greatest rock albums ever created.  fhi_infidel

I haven’t blogged in awhile and there’s a good reason for that. I had nothing to write about. My life is at a point where everything is going well and for some reason that upsets people. I want to be all sad and shit but I can’t because I have an awesome girlfriend and I’m a published author. There’s nothing to be sad or mopey about. I survived a brutal ass winter and TOOL has a new record out. Those are valid reasons to be happy. The problem with blogs and social media is that people want to show you just how miserable and fucked up they are. I was guilty of that for awhile, but now? Shit is working out and I have never been happier.

The only complaint I have is that I’m a published author yet in my house that shit gets me no special privileges or treatment. I’m in a book called Dynatox A-Go Go and I was all excited about when I received it in the mail. Even though my girl is proud of me I still had to cook dinner and do dishes! As a published author there should be some kind of special treatment, but here I am taking out the garbage and doing dishes. I even tried explaining that as a published author I should be excluded from certain things but all I get is the look that tells me I have truly lost my damn mind. I get that look a lot for some reason. That look is on her face quite a bit and I swear sometimes I’m developing a complex.

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As a writer I should have an ego. I should have the right to boast and declare myself the shit. It doesn’t even matter that I’m an indie writer and not many people have read my work but who cares! I’m a published writer damn it! Worship me or suffer my wrath! My girlfriend and my daughter keep my ego in check. In my house I declare that I’m the boss and my girlfriend laughs at me and my daughter informs me that Mindy’s the boss. They keep me from being an even bigger asshole than I already am and as important as I want to think I am they’re there to laugh at me and ask if dinner’s done. We all need people who keep us grounded and focused. I’m just thankful that Mindy puts up with me and my daughter has no choice. She’s stuck with me.

The thing is that I have been through a lot in the last few years and I want to toot my own horn and have a massive ego, but I can’t because there will always be someone more important than I am walking around. I’ll still be the indy guy cooking dinner and taking out the garbage. I love cooking so that’s not a big deal but dishes are beneath me. When I start getting paid for writing I’m getting a damn dish washer and a hammock, If anyone needs me I’ll be in the backyard, Wait, I don’t have any trees in my back yard. We’ll have to move then. So a house with a backyard full of fucking trees, a dishwasher, and a hammock.

This morning I was working on this blog and I had to make my daughter pancakes. I was being creative and I had to stop just so I could make pancakes, Does Stephen King have to make fucking pancakes? Don’t think so. Being creative is hard work and I have to cut that shit off to make breakfast. My daughter loves that I’m published but when she wakes up it’s time to stop writing and make breakfast. Even the dog fucks with my creative flow. I can be all involved in a manuscript and I have to stop writing so the dog can take a shit. It’s not right damn it!!

I guess you can say I’m whining and I say all of this with my tongue firmly in my cheek. I know that I am extremely lucky to be where I am. There are people who wake up just looking to be miserable and here I am singing Happy. You know that song by Pharrell Williams? I love that song and people hate it cos it’s been played so damn much, but that song makes me wanna dance and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Am I the only one not sick of Shake It Off yet? I can be writing my ass off and be stuck and I hear this and I’m good. As a horror writer I shouldn’t be listening to Shake It off or Happy and I forget that I’m even writing.

Maybe it ruins my rep as a bad ass horror writer but I think we all listen to shit that doesn’t fit in with the image people have of horror writers. What is that image anyway? I’m sure there’s some stuff that does fit in but for the most part I try to stay out of any sort of box. It makes life more interesting. Life is journey not a destination and I’m going to go back to spending time with my daughter and trying to edit my new book

Doctor Who Would Cure Ebola

This whole Ebola thing has me perplexed and now that it’s almost over it’s okay to crack a few jokes right? I forgot my check list so I’m not exactly sure what is and isn’t supposed to be funny. People get butt hurt way too much over stupid shit. When I was a kid we joked about everything and no one got offended. Now you have to be careful because if you call someone a faggot in a crowded airport you will be tackled by strangers and beaten up. The guy that you called a fag will skip over and bitch slap you and possibly tweak your balls. See? That right there just offended someone. The Tinkerbell fairy will now visit me while I’m asleep and ass rape me. I did it again, Shall I go back to talking about my writing? The fact is you laughed and you too are going to hell, wait, are the Christians still in the bunkers waiting for Jesus to herd them home like the good little ship they are. They were all chanting and cheering awhile ago. I swear I heard them singing hymns at the first sign of Ebola. God is a loving God who will send an infectious disease to wipe out the sinners. Jesus loves me cos he killed the entire planet with Ebola. That should be on a goddamned t-shirt.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my best friend about this whole Ebola thing and I got worried. Intelligent people get worried when shit like this happens because the majority of the population is gullible and will believe anything the media tells them to. If Fox News told Conservatives to jump off a bridge they would. O’Reily would be spouting off these amazing percentages about how a mass suicide would show the Liberals that they had somehow ruined the country with their gay agenda or whatever hate speech was popular that week. It would probably be that Obama is the antichrist and the only way to stop him would be to jump off a bridge, Off the conservatives would go like good little lemmings and splat themselves into oblivion, The Ebola thing scared me and, it wasn’t even the disease that scared me. it was the fact that a lady got on a plane and traveled to her hometown. I live in Ohio and imagine how pissed we were to hear that shit, For awhile Obama wasn’t the antichrist, She was, The blame shifted to her, She became the poster child of stupidity and now I guess she’s okay but seriously, what the fuck was she thinking? She put a lot of people at risk and for what? A family reunion?

Ignorant people made Ebola more fucked up than it was. Some people thought Jesus was coming back and some were pretty sure it was a direct hit to eliminate the blacks from the world. Racists had a field day with this one and how could they not? Charles Manson thought it was the return of Helter Skelter. No Charlie didn’t say that but it sounds like something he would say. Now Obama wants to bring those infected here so we can cure them and I don’t think that’s a good idea. The conspiracy theories are already flying about this one and the last thing we need is a two hour special debunking the Ebola Conspiracy theories. Look on the bright side we got a cool costume out of it. Now that makes Ebola hot.

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The thing that we were talking about was how nasty people are, If you think about it we live among some nasty people. Do we really need a sign that prompts employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom? What kind of sick fuck takes a shit and doesn’t wash their hands? Apparently, a lot of people. Makes you think twice about eating out doesn’t it? How many waiters are shitting and not washing their hands? Did the person that’s cooking my food just drop a shit and not wash his hands? What about the people that process my food? Holy shit there’s a whole slew of people touching my food!!! Did they take a shit and not wash their hands? Why in the hell do we need a sign urging people to wash their hands after shitting anyway? Isn’t that common sense? There are nose pickers, ball scratchers, vag sniffers all walking about without washing their hands. Suddenly the idea of shaking hands doesn’t sit that well with me. I don’t want people touching me at all. Stay the fuck away from me! The Ebola thing just made aware of how disgusting people are. As we talked it dawned on me that in America are not the sharpest peanuts in the turd.

We need a warning not to eat soap, a warning telling us that our coffee’s hot. Isn’t coffee generally hot? Why in the fuck do we need a warning for that? What kind of asshole would sue over a hot cup of coffee? The judge allowed this? It’s coffee, it’s hot, case dismissed you are an idiot! Next case! The Ebola thing just made me realize just how ignorant people are and they shouldn’t be allowed out of their house because they may in fact infect others with their stupidity. It happens and Fox News is proof of that, Now that I’ve offended half of my readers I should really end this, My girlfriend brought Godzilla over and I really want to see it.