The Walk Of Shame

This morning I woke up with this crushing weight of uncertainty.  I crawled out of bed and groaned because it dawned on me that today was the day.  This day would change the face of our country. Election day in America is where we pick out American Idol and usually feel good about our choice. That’s how it usually works anyway. Not this election, and certainly not these candidates. How did we get here? This is the best that American politics has to offer?   I don’t care how the system works, and I certainly don’t pretend to know how it works either. All I know is that there’s something wrong with the system and we’re slowly spinning out of control.  This has been an election fueled by hatred and we cheer and applaud every time it filters through our televisions and computers. I get it, this is an important election  but it doesn’t mean I have to feel good about my choices. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do?

I didn’t want to vote, but I did. I didn’t want to pussy out just because I didn’t like my options. What options right? In this election you couldn’t go with the lesser of the two evils because they’re both pretty evil in their own ways. We’re on the verge of self destruction and there’s nothing we can do but hope for the best and feel good about our decision. Outside of the polling place it was pissing rain as if the sky was crying for us. I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach as I walked toward those doors. I have always voted with confidence and studied each candidate and cast my vote for the one I believe will do the most good. This time I had no idea who these people were, or even what they stood for.  I saw some of the debates and that’s why voting would be so difficult for me. When I began to study them and saw what they stood for there were both good and bad in each but then I saw a candidate act so immaturely I couldn’t imagine this person running our country. On the other side was a possible criminal that seemed out of touch with the people she wanted to lead.

Everyone looked confused and sad. We were all sharing the same. Dirty secret. We voted but for what? What do the next four years hold for us? Where are we headed? I voted out of obligation not because I felt strongly about one candidate over another. I have voted without fail every election and this is the only time I voted and felt dirty. I kept thinking; Did I make the right choice? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I did the walk of shame as I left the polling place and refused to make eye contact with anyone for fear that I would see the same helplessness reflected back into my own eyes. I honestly felt as if I just had sex with a crack whore.  There was no voter confidence as I left just shame and indifference. Didn’t matter who won or lost because in the end we’re all losers. Some just didn’t know it yet. It’s gonna be a long four years and one long night.  We watch our television in a state of awe as the polls come in. I am just sick with dread as the results come in and the experts are all admitting that the projections were all wrong. There are variables that no one ever expected. What does that say about us as a country? What kind of wake up call does this represent to not just us but those around the world that are watching the insanity spread across all fifty states. I don’t want to watch anymore, but I can’t stop. This is a time where people want change and they’re willing to sell out their morals and beliefs to get it.

Here’s the thing we all have to understand. This entire election was a mistake and we have to own it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point there’s going to be a reckoning day. I also want to make it clear that I support neither of these candidates and feel that we could have done so much better. There were other options, but we failed to see them. We look at the map and things are looking grim. We are heading toward a dark time people, and no one batted an eye or tried to see logic or reason. All I know is that I need a shower. After voting I felt ashamed for my country and I felt ashamed that I allowed myself to vote for someone that I didn’t like, but I had no other choice. Maybe in a few years I’ll look back and see that what I did was the right thing. In a few days maybe I can say I did what was expected of me and that’s the best I could do. For now I’m going to just breath and hope for a miracle, but in this race there is no miracle. Just a hope that things don’t slide too far out of control.

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Did Ya Miss Me??

It’s been three months since my last blog and I guess there’s a multitude of reasons why I haven’t written anything. Mostly it’s because I’ve been busy. As a published author with a full time job there’s not much time to blog anymore. Aside from that, I just don’t feel the same way I did. There’s been a lot of growth and a lot of the anger, or confusion has been poured into my stories. I still have the same fucked up sense of humor and that’s never going to change.  What has changed is that I’m always happy. There’s never a moment where I think that my life sucks because the last couple of years have been amazeballs! That’s a word I swear.

 

Why the new blog? I have a new book coming out in 7 days. Am I excited? Am I nervous? I’m both because this is a lot bigger than my first release and on top of that it’s the debut novel from a new publisher called Fat Lip Press. In my short career I have been fortunate to have worked with some really great publishers. JEA Dark Chapter Press, and of course Morbid. Without Morbid none of this would even be possible. I know that I’ve been extremely lucky and I still refuse to lose my sense of humor. It appears as if I’m taking the piss when I’m invited to take part in book releases but it’s just how I approach them. You have so many writers taking part and throwing out their books but what I enjoy is bypassing that by having as much fun as possible. That is more important than selling a few books. I’m there to support the author anyway so I try not to hawk my own shit. It’s overwhelming to those that are attending. Plus I don’t have anything to give away so I just hang out and try and make people laugh.

 

Check this cover art out. I swear I saw that and I shit my pants!! On May 1st I am going to be a nervous wreck!

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The cool thing is that Mindy is supportive of my writing career. A lot of women would bitch and moan that I’m spending so much time writing but I do take days off just so I can spend time with her. She believes in me though and that means more to me than anything. When I decided to start writing again I never thought that I would actually get published. Am I making money? No, but as I write this I have a book launch in 7 days and there are so many people behind the scenes running promos just so people notice that I have a book coming out.

 

I’ve learned a lot over the last couple of years. I’ve done a couple podcasts, some interviews, and now I feel as if people are actually going to notice my book. I didn’t feel that way with Legacy but I do with this one. I’ve learned a great deal from everyone I’ve published with and I think that’s the best advice I can give any writer. Absorb everything. Listen to what people are saying and apply it to your craft. Learn as much as you can about promotion, editing, and even how to do interviews. Writing is essential but that’s just the first part of it. Everyday I learn something and I store it just so I know what to do next time. Always remember that while you’re having fun this is still a business. Sometimes I actually forget that part. It’s easy to do because I’m able to do what I love and it’s surreal that people are buying anthologies that feature a story that I wrote. In 7 days people are going to buy a book that I wrote! I was able to get a second book published!

 

What am I most nervous about? Book signings. That to me just blows my mind because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that people actually want a book with my signature written in it. How do you get used to that? When people I work with found out that I had a 2nd book coming out they all requested signed copies and I have no idea why. I’m still the guy from Barberton that works a day job and tries to squeeze as much time on the laptop before he has to crash in order to do the same thing over again the next day. I’m not special. The fact that people think I am is awesome but I still can’t get used to it. I’m just a guy who writes books in Barberton Ohio. I think I’ve bored you all enough thanks for reading. Check me out on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/michaelnoeslegacy/

A Word Of Advice

People amaze me. They do. I have no faith in humanity at all and there’s a reason for that. When someone who has been labeled a cancer and a pariah keeps getting sympathy for pulling the same shit over and over again you have to begin to realize that maybe, just maybe the person you’re defending is slime. I am one of those people that won’t take sides. As an author I try and stay as neutral as possible because if I act like a dick, people will remember that. You don’t want other publishers to think you’re an asshole. Makes it really really hard to get published.

I like writing, and I like the majority of the authors that I’m in contact with. The horror genre is like a brotherhood. They will go out of their way to help you out. I make myself available and if anyone has questions or needs help I hope they know that they can ask for help and I will. I know what’s it like to break into this business. Make no mistake, this is a business, and one that I happen to love. As a published author I have a reputation to uphold so normally you won’t hear me bitch and moan about anyone because it’s just unprofessional. No one wants to see that shit on Facebook. Why would they? You have a problem you contact the person in question and get shit settled.

I have ignored a lot of shit but I also have a lot of respect for my publisher. J Ellington Ashton Press has been a phenomenal company to publish with. They are exactly what you expect from a publisher, but based on the claims and bullshit one person has spewed you wouldn’t know that. You see there’s a guy who still lives in his parents basement and tries like hell to make himself a victim. Problem is that people actually believe him. He has these cheerleaders and puppets that all support him, and fail to see that he is a cancer. This man claims that he never does anything wrong, and that he is constantly targeted for some reason. If you look at this pattern you will see that he is the problem. Not the various publishers he has tried to dismantle.  The problem is that the pattern will once again repeat and then what? Will you begin to see that he is the problem not them.

Now I have to defend myself against this man’s efforts to claim something he didn’t write as his own. When you file a claim that says a book is your intellectual property you aren’t just making the publisher look bad You’re also affecting the other authors. The thing is that his puppets and cheerleaders are all urging him on. They say take back what’s yours. I have a contract that says otherwise. You don’t own shit, and you aren’t shit. As a writer I will not allow some ass hat to claim my work as his own and therefore making it hard for me to work with JEA and other any publishers. The words “intellectual property” are like a red flag for legal departments; another publisher sees that, and its all over for those of us involved with Splat.

Splat is a JEA title. The authors all have contracts saying that we own our stories. You can claim to own the intellectual property but the fact is you don’t and you know it. I will fight as much as I have to to keep my story where it is, and I will also defend my publisher because unlike you they have a solid reputation. This is a company that has proven themselves to be trustworthy. You have not and will continue to be a cancer that at some point needs to be dealt with. The problem is you. Always has been and this time I’m not going to sit on the fence. I am going to make sure you’re finally dealt with and I hope this time no other publisher will deal with you. In other words; Fuck you.

Hot Chick Radar

     So let’s explore some issues that truly seperate the men from the women. Aside from the obvious let’s explore the intelligence of women. Men and women differ in thinking and a lot of times it may seem fucked up but it makes sense to them. You have to understand that a lot of women have been treated unfairly by men and guess what? You’re a man so you’re guilty by association.

     Men though are just as fucked up in their line of thinking. If we date one crazy bitch they’re all crazy. Even if we like a woman we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The woman we’re seeing may be perfectly sane but due to our experiences we know at some point she’s going to turn out batshit crazy.

     My problem for a long time was that after my wife and I split up I had the menatlity that all women were bitches that didn’t deserve my respect. That line of thinking doesn’t change over night so I can relate to women that think all men are assholes.

     It takes a long time to change your ideas about relationships and even when the relationship is going well you still look for the exits just in case. It’s just how we’re wired. Even when things are going well there’s always the possibilty that shit will go bad.

     What I don’t get is why we always have to discuss how many people we’ve slept with. I don’t wanna know how many dudes have slept with my girlfriend. It’s none of my business and women need to stop asking. It’s not a conversation we ever want to have.

     Why the hell do women ask that? They always say they won’t get pissed but they always do. If you blurt out a low number it’s still too high. When any woman hears the number it turns into a fight. Who needs that shit? It’s better to not ask.

     As men we are always going to be accused of looking at other women. If you’re with a woman and you’re commited to her other woman don’t matter anymore so stop asking us if other women are prettier than you. It’s bullshit and the answer should be obvious. Am I with her? No, I’m with you so that alone should be enough. Don’t ask a stupid question and don’t tell us we’re lying when we say no.

     Women are great at mindgames. They learned them from their mother so men need to understand that women are always 10 steps ahead of us. No matter what we think we’re men so we’re stupid. We can’t convince them that we have any common sense or intelligence.

    The hot chick radar that all women have amazes me. Most men are clueless and don’t even know what I’m talking about and then there are quite a few men that know exactly what I’m talking about.

     Hot chick radar will fuck up a relationship and don’t think for a second that your girlfriend doesn’t have it because they do. Women are very territorial even if they say they aren’t. They want other women to know that you’re taken so they will mark you.

     Once you decide that you’re in a relationship you’re marked. Test out the simplicity of this. In a crowded bar or grocery store don’t hold your girlfriends hand. Don’t even reach for it.

     What’s going to happen is she will grab your hand and do it in a way that says this is my dude bitches get to steppin’. They may not be jealous but when you’re with them she make sure that other females know that you’re taken.

    Guys are idiots when it comes to women. We may be in a commited relationship and be madly in love but we will still talk to other women. Not because we’re attracted to them but we just want to see if other women find us attractive.      Due to our spouses and girlfriends being territorial we can longer look at or even talk to other women. You can try but at some point you will be accused of either wanting to have sex with her or actually having sex with her. The best advice is make sure you’re spouse or girlfriend is ok with you having female friends.

     The hot chick radar that women have is rather amazing and complex. Any time your girlfriend visits she knows how many women live on your street. Doesn’t matter if they’re single or married because they’re women. If you talk to a female neighbor you can’t hide it. She already knows and will store it for use at a later date.

     When she surprises you with it you’ll be asked why you didn’t tell your spouse or girlfriend that you talked to this woman. Any answer you give at this point is wrong. There is no answer. If you say I didn’t think it was a big deal you’re going to be yelled at and confined to the sofa for awhile.

     The radar will trip you up all the time. Your spouse or girlfriend has female friends that actually keeps tabs on you when your not with your spouse or girlfriend. It’s a network of radars to catch you acting stupid.

     We have to remember that women may be awesome but they’re also evil without meaning to be. Once you commit you’re on lockdown and the invisible fence has been erected. You wearing a shock collar and don’t even know it.

    I always know when I start dating not to act stupid. You’re spouse or girlfriend knows when you’re lying so my advice is don’t do it. You can’t always tell when a woman is pissed off until they let you know. They could be pissed off for a week and wait until you’re asleep and then unleash hell.

      Ever been woken up by a pissed off woman? It’s not fun and there’s no way to defend yourself. Women are Jedi’s and will wear you out and beat you down before you even had a chance to speak. Women are smarter than we are and nothing we can do will help change that.

     Our mother is the same way so we know from a young age that women are smarter and better than we are. Women already have all the answers we just have to figure out the questions. Does that make me weak or even a pussy?

     Not at all because when you sit and think about it we have spent our entire lives around women so we already grew up thinking that men for the most part are stupid blundering idiots. The sooner we accept that the better off we’ll be.

     Any fight we have with a woman doesn’t have to happen if we’ll just say; “You were right honey, I was wrong. I’m sorry” Most women just want to hear us say it even if we’re right and they’re wrong. No woman has ever been wrong ever.

     I’m learning that very slowly. You would think that when I’m right I’d get some big ups but all I get is; “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I can’t win and even when I was married I was never right ever. How is that possible? The odds should be in my favor at least once.

     Men, this is very important and will close out this blog due to severe eyerolling from women. We don’t control our houses. We may tell other dudes we have our shit on lockdown but once we walk in the door it’s over. We’ve lost control.

     I’m walking into a situation where I jokingly said I was the boss of the house. I got an eyeroll and realized that the 50/50 split was more like 40/30 until she bats her eyes at me and then we’re looking at 40/10 and that’s in her favor.

     I tried to man up but she just laughs at me and guess what? She’s a woman and I have no control at all. She has no idea just how cute she is so going in I know I’m screwed but why complain? I just go with it and am thankful I get to be the boss when she isn’t home.

     I may seem like a total pushover and I agree but the hot chick radar has left me powerless. As long as there are woman I’m screwed. It’s not like I have a choice. I am all about women and sometimes it’s totally worth losing control as long as an amazing woman is beside me.

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Destination nowhere

     It’s quite interesting to be me right now. I get a ton of advice yet a lot of it doesn’t make any sense. I’m sure these people mean well but until they step inside my skin and peek inside my brain they have no clue what I need or what direction I should head off in.
     Instead of allowing myself to shrivel up and die I’ve decided to live the only way I know how and that really bugs the piss out of people. Maybe they expected a different course or something. I have no idea.
      The thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of people have said that I’ve changed a bit. Really? My son caught my house on fire, I lost everything, and he’s in jaii. I apologize if I’m a tad darker than usual or a bit lost, but what do people expect?
     If I go out with friends and drink some people are baffled and even afraid that I’ve somehow lost who I am and I’m sure there are even those who don’t like who I am now. I get lectures and words of wisdom that ring hollow.
     When I hang out with my ex-wife people just assume that we’re going to end up dating. No matter how many times I explain it they still don’t get it and won’t so I gave up explaining. I just want the advice to stop. I just want one day where I can talk to my ex-wife without people assuming the worst.
     Most of all I just want my normal life back. The simple mundane shit I used to do before my life was torn assunder. Will people ever accept that I’m never going to be the same person I was a month ago? Probably not but I can’t be angry at them. They’re worried and afraid that I’m making some larger mistake by choosing the path I’m on now.
     I’ll never be the same person I once was. I can’t find that person but I appreciate the concern. All I can say is that I’m here. This broken vessel you see standing before you is me. I wake up some mornings and wish this were all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up in my own bed, and in my own house but I don’t and I hate feeling that I’ll never heal. Maybe I will, but I doubt it.

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