The Walk Of Shame

This morning I woke up with this crushing weight of uncertainty.  I crawled out of bed and groaned because it dawned on me that today was the day.  This day would change the face of our country. Election day in America is where we pick out American Idol and usually feel good about our choice. That’s how it usually works anyway. Not this election, and certainly not these candidates. How did we get here? This is the best that American politics has to offer?   I don’t care how the system works, and I certainly don’t pretend to know how it works either. All I know is that there’s something wrong with the system and we’re slowly spinning out of control.  This has been an election fueled by hatred and we cheer and applaud every time it filters through our televisions and computers. I get it, this is an important election  but it doesn’t mean I have to feel good about my choices. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do?

I didn’t want to vote, but I did. I didn’t want to pussy out just because I didn’t like my options. What options right? In this election you couldn’t go with the lesser of the two evils because they’re both pretty evil in their own ways. We’re on the verge of self destruction and there’s nothing we can do but hope for the best and feel good about our decision. Outside of the polling place it was pissing rain as if the sky was crying for us. I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach as I walked toward those doors. I have always voted with confidence and studied each candidate and cast my vote for the one I believe will do the most good. This time I had no idea who these people were, or even what they stood for.  I saw some of the debates and that’s why voting would be so difficult for me. When I began to study them and saw what they stood for there were both good and bad in each but then I saw a candidate act so immaturely I couldn’t imagine this person running our country. On the other side was a possible criminal that seemed out of touch with the people she wanted to lead.

Everyone looked confused and sad. We were all sharing the same. Dirty secret. We voted but for what? What do the next four years hold for us? Where are we headed? I voted out of obligation not because I felt strongly about one candidate over another. I have voted without fail every election and this is the only time I voted and felt dirty. I kept thinking; Did I make the right choice? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I did the walk of shame as I left the polling place and refused to make eye contact with anyone for fear that I would see the same helplessness reflected back into my own eyes. I honestly felt as if I just had sex with a crack whore.  There was no voter confidence as I left just shame and indifference. Didn’t matter who won or lost because in the end we’re all losers. Some just didn’t know it yet. It’s gonna be a long four years and one long night.  We watch our television in a state of awe as the polls come in. I am just sick with dread as the results come in and the experts are all admitting that the projections were all wrong. There are variables that no one ever expected. What does that say about us as a country? What kind of wake up call does this represent to not just us but those around the world that are watching the insanity spread across all fifty states. I don’t want to watch anymore, but I can’t stop. This is a time where people want change and they’re willing to sell out their morals and beliefs to get it.

Here’s the thing we all have to understand. This entire election was a mistake and we have to own it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point there’s going to be a reckoning day. I also want to make it clear that I support neither of these candidates and feel that we could have done so much better. There were other options, but we failed to see them. We look at the map and things are looking grim. We are heading toward a dark time people, and no one batted an eye or tried to see logic or reason. All I know is that I need a shower. After voting I felt ashamed for my country and I felt ashamed that I allowed myself to vote for someone that I didn’t like, but I had no other choice. Maybe in a few years I’ll look back and see that what I did was the right thing. In a few days maybe I can say I did what was expected of me and that’s the best I could do. For now I’m going to just breath and hope for a miracle, but in this race there is no miracle. Just a hope that things don’t slide too far out of control.

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Happy?

     Have you ever tried to write a blog with a clear concise theme but your thoughts are racing a hundred miles a second? By some kind of fault in my genetic make up or maybe just through past experience I have not been one of those people to embrace the fact that life doesn’t always have to suck. I have the scars to prove that life will fuck you up if you’re not careful. It will turn on you in a second. I’m not a positive person and I have a reason not to be. I have been fucked over, shit on, and have even been in relationships that leave people wondering if I’ve lost my fricking mind. I just assumed that once I hit forty life would align and suddenly I would be somehow be wiser, Not the case. I have learned not to trust anyone, that sometimes dating stupid women can be harmful, and just because you’ve reached a certain age there are no guarantees. Life happens and no matter how mature you are you still look around at people who are doing better than you and you instantly hate them. They made the right choices while you just made the wrong ones. The wrong choices sometimes turn out to be the right ones. If our lives had somehow turned out differently or maybe better, would the people who we love and care about still be involved in it?

     I know what you’re thinking. Is there a point to all this? Hell, I don’t know. I just needed to write this to put things in perspective for myself and if someone can pull something out of this to apply to whatever they’re going through great but the thing to remember is that a lot of times I’ll write a blog just to keep myself from going bat shit crazy. There are too many people looking to others for answers but the problem is that you have to look withing yourself and find the answer. You have to have the balls to do what you think is right. is it always going to work? I am proof that it doesn’t but I at least had the balls to try it and follow my instincts. Forget looking to God or some other higher being to give you the answer. It’s cowardly. I am proof that you don’t need God to have a happy, healthy life. I have achieved more in my life without God than I did when I followed him. Am I an atheist? No just a guy that sees God as a nonissue.

    So here I am after three years being some of the most painful and enlightening times in my life. I had grown accustomed to my life being shit and I never really expected anything different. At forty you view the world a little differently and just begin to expect things to stay as they are. I figured at some point I would finally move out of my mothers but it was always an issue of money. We all know that the economy is shit and the more we work the less we make, I am a proud card carrying member of the working poor so I get that people are struggling just to make enough money to keep their lights on for another month. The thing is I only complained when I got tired of moving forward and never gaining any traction. I had become like a lot of people and was just existing. Life really wasn’t all that interesting any more but what the fuck are you going to do? You have no choice but to wake up every day and just survive. That’ s all you can do.

     The book being published was a high point because it was something that I always wanted to achieve but then all these other doors started opening and I began to feel overwhelmed. I also finally found an apartment and next week I’m finally moving out of my mother’s house. So not only do I have a book coming out mid June but I’m packing and getting ready to move into a new place. All this things are happening all at once so of course I feel as if the bottom’s about to fall out. My life has never been a steady diet of positive so it’s hard to stay optimistic and just enjoy it because I know how my life usually goes. Everything at some point implodes and I’m left charred and scarred. How do I enjoy it without all of the doubt and fear? I can’t . It’s not how I’m wired. I can’t just wake up every morning and say: “Life is good.” And skip through my day.  I’m listening to Stabbing Westward’s Everything I Touch and that seems to be the soundtrack to how my life usually turns out. I think I can relate to most of Stabbing Westward’s songs because I see myself in a lot of those songs.

     Here’s the story so far and you can see why I’m a little overwhelmed. I write the novella and it’s picked up by Morbid books, and then I would say maybe a week or two later I get a call about apartment and I look at it and take it. Very nice apartment in a quiet neighborhood, The cool thing is that I can finally see my kids more. Now I have a book coming out and I’m balls deep in packing and I am happy for the first time in a long time. As if that wasn’t enough I reconnected with someone and I am trying to hold it all together so I don’t rush in and fuck that up because she is exactly what I need as a person. She’s intelligent, she’s pretty and someone that I can talk to about anything and she gets me which is important. I need someone in my life that gets me.

      As I look around at the boxes and the reality washes over me I can honestly say that I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t have to fake it and Jesus that feels good. At forty I can finally say that my life is exactly where it should be, It’s taken a long time to get to this point. A marriage breaking apart, a fire, a bunch of failed relationships that I have sabotaged all because I was freaked out and scared, I am going to enjoy the ride and hope that the bottom holds together for awhile longer.