Separated for two years already?

     I have been separated for two years now. I think next year I’m getting myself a present. I can’t tell you when my anniversary would have been but I know exactly when our marriage ended. I thought it would hurt for some reason but it didn’t. I just woke up one morning and said; “fuck, it’s been two years already?”

     I consider myself lucky that I’ve done so well. Some people never let go and always think that they’ll always get back together. That’s really depressing if you allow yourself to be trapped in that scenario. Doesn’t it at some point have to register that the old life is gone? There’s no fixing what’s broken.

     Two years is a long time and when I thought about it I knew that certain aspects of my life were exactly where I wanted them while others were way beyond what I expected but life is never really fully balanced anyway. All we can do is accept who we are and where we are. There are no other options. If I looked for more I would probably go bat shit crazy.

     No shrink anywhere is going to tell you that life makes sense all the time. He’d be a liar. All a shrink can do is pat you on the head and tell you things are going to get better. What if they don’t? Some people  expect life to be elegant and perfect but it can’t be that way without tragedy and heartbreak.

     What have I learned in the last two years is that things do actually get better. I have been through some serious shit but life keeps moving. It never stops. Through every personal tragedy there is a lesson to be learned and I truly believe that I have become a much stronger person because of it. The wounds fade but the scars are there as a reminder.

     I’ve changed quite a bit too. How could I not? As a single man I have morphed into someone I am quite fond of. I tapped into a darker and more cynical part of myself but I don’t feel bitter. In a situation like mine it’s easy to become bitter. First a divorce and then a house fire a year later. It’s quite amazing that I’m still functioning and I can laugh about both of those now even though they aren’t really all that funny.

     When I look back at who I was before and who I am now I see more confidence than I had before. I walked away from religion and saw that I could live a life separately from who I thought I wanted to be. I’m ok saying that I have no idea what tomorrow’s going to bring and I’m ok with that. I don’t panic about the future amymore and rarely think about it.

     I don’t have that fear of dying alone or never finding a woman that will bring peace and balance to my life because I don’t think she exists. I don’t believe in love anymore and if I end up totally alone for the remainder of my life I have become ok with it and don’t mind that there isn’t a woman out there for me.

     To morph into someone your happy with is an amazing concept. So many people will list shit that they want to change and stride toward this version of themselves that they think will somehow make them happier. They run toward religion or relationships thinking that’s the missing piece but the missing piece is happiness and being comfortable with who you are, not what you can become.

     As I close this blog there’s no advice that I can give you or pearls of wisdom that will make life easier or more meaningful. There are no right answers or even perfect relationships. Don’t rely on God for guidance is really all I have. God will fuck you up and make you lazy. We’re taught to rely on God for everything but sometimes you just have to do it yourself. God will let you down because that’s just how religion works.

     So that’s all I have for advice and now I am going to continue and ponder on how I’ve been separated for two years.
    

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Internet Dating

     Here’s the thing. While normal people are sleeping I’m wide awake and have a job that doesn’t give me a lot to do. I have anywhere from 10-12 hours to fill and there’s only so much Candy Crush you can play before you start to grow bored.

     I have found that reading helps pass the time but I crave more. I get a lot of hits on this dating website I went onto about three years ago and what surprises me is that women have actually responded. These are mostly through instant messages that are on their server. I  order to respond you have to become a member and that’s not ever going to happen because I refuse to pay for something I can do for free.

     I found the answer through Google Play. It seems everyone is using these dating apps so I figured why not check it out. At the very least I have killed a good hour and get to giggle at all the bullshit questions they ask. These are all geared toward finding your perfect match. Does that even exist?

     Since when did we answer some random questions and hope for the perfect person to fall from the sky? What happened to chemistry? is it possible that maybe, just maybe I’m old fashioned and find this a tad bit illogical? If I have no intentions of pursuing this then why even sign up? Curiosity. I want to see what types chicks respond.

     I giggle as I look at these profiles because these women say they want a serious relationship but all I can see is their cleavage. Fuck a relationship just let me motor boat your tits! I don’t even have to have sex with you just show me your tits and I’ll move along. If you’re showing your cleavage to total strangers how the fuck am I supposed to take you seriously?

     What these woman want is also scary. They want way too much to be on a dating website. There’s too much that they admit too but the question is why? When you admit to so much information there’s nowhere to go. There should be some mystery involved.

     I admit that I won’t get any hits on my profile and I’m ok with that. All I wanted was to make the time go by faster so I filled out the surveys and shit and saw that an hour flew by. Then I checked out some cleavage and logged off. My ideal mate isn’t there anyway and I’m fine with that.

     There’s that fear that half of these women are stalkers or a serial killer anyway so I’m going to work my shift and then go home and sleep. I’ll forget all about this dating website. I have a feeling this may come back to haunt me. When I do shit like this it always does
  

Stalking Is A Verb

     Lately I’ve been watching Deadly Women on Investigation Discovery and I don’t think single men should watch this show. It peels away the mystique that women have and show you just how bat shit crazy they can be. If you’ve never seen this show the first thing you notice is how fucking vicious they are.

     Men will just flat out kill you. They will either shoot you or stab you but these women have this down to a science. They’ll pretend that they love you and everything’s cool but they’re envisioning the way that they will kill you. They have it all mapped out including the hour and exactly how you’ll die. They will rember each fight and each comment you made to make her feel insecure and she will think of that each time she’s stabbing you. There you are lying in a pool of blood and she’s screaming; “Not so fat now am I mother fucker?”

     If you’ve never dated a woman this show will make you see every item in your house as a possible weapon. It may even keep you pursuing a relationship. Each time a woman smiles at you there’s the possibility that she is totally off her rocker and will beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat while you’re sleeping. How the hell are you supposed to sleep? Why would you even want to date? You’d be putting your life in your hands.

     I remember watching Fatal Attraction swearing I would never cheat on a woman. That movie left an impression that has stuck with me for a very long time. As I got deeper into this show I suddenly realized being single isn’t a bad idea. Deadly Women makes Fatal Attraction look tame. It used to be that if you were single you were a total loser but now? It means your safe. Being single means I won’t be killed by some psycho Kelly Clarkson fan.

     I think every guy needs to avoid dating or living with a woman who listens to Kelly Clarkson. That woman scares the hell out of me and her lyrics are all about stalking. I predict at some point she’ll be on Deadly Women. It’s inevitable. The news networks would have a field day with her finally going over the edge and killing a guy.

     She’ll have some poor sap tied to a chair and as the camera pans away all you see is blood and piss and there’s Kelly buck naked holding a pair of Gardening Shears.

     “Since you’ve been gone all I could think about is how much I love you. You promised me forever!” The guy starts pissing again as Kelly stabs him and hums Behind These Hazel Eyes.

Relationships are tough as it is but suddenly we’re faced with the possibility that our wives or girlfriends are capable of killing us. My best friend has even offered to make her boyfriend a pillow so she could suffocate him while he sleeps. She giggled when she told me this but it still scared me because I may have to crash at her house someday. She even offered to make me a pillow!

Why are women so emotionally attached? Is it hormones or just the inability to deal with rejection? Each of these women seemed so normal and suddenly they’re dumping their bi-polar meds into someone’s coffee and then as the guy sleeps these women proceed to stab and in some cases rape a dude. If a relationship ends sometimes there’s a logical explanation for it. It happens all the time. Some relationships just don’t work out.

It’s not ok to listen to Taylor Swift and feel sorry for yourself and it’s not ok to stalk someone either. This show gives women some really bad ideas and I wonder if there are women watching this and taking notes. They’ve latched onto some guy they think they can’t live without and when they’re forced to they decide if I can’t have him no one will. They sit around listening to country music or It Will Rain by Bruno Mars and suddenly they have an epiphany. He must be punished.

Dating used to be simple and fun. Every relationship has peaks and valleys but no one should die over a toilet seat that’s been accidently left up. Love should be voluntary not coerced with a butcher knife. We need to stop these shows before more men die. We need to teach women that men sometimes.change their minds. It sucks but it happens.
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Perfection?

     It always amazes me how quickly things change. Everything in life is temporary and there has to be a point where everything either falls in place or falls apart. Nothing ever really falls into place that often and when it does it usually falls apart anyway. The thing that always confused me is this desire for perfection.

     The reality is that there is no perfection. We become happy so we assume it’s perfection. I always strived for something real. Something that made life tolerable and less like a challenge of skill and luck. When I really thought about life and even death I also threw in love because in reality they’re one and the same. I began to see that in life and even love there is no perfection at all. We adjust to someone’s personality and accept it. There’s a cycle that all of our lives go through. Birth, life, and death.

     I thought for a minute that love truly defined who I was but when I looked around I realized that it didn’t. It’s an extension of who we are, who we strive to be, but it doesn’t define us. What does define me? What makes me me? If the answer is love it’s not very defining. In fact it’s quite generic. Other people can define who you are but there’s no way I can define myself.

     As I wrote the last blog I thought about who I am and how as I grow older I started to branch out of my comfort zone and allow myself to actually like a woman but I found out that it may take awhile to find the right person. I thought I found her but I was wrong. Occasionally I am wrong and it sucks but in the end there’s
really nothing you can do but walk away.

     Relationships are extremely weird and far more complicated than they need to be. If you want to be with someone then be with them. I found out that I took a risk, let my guard down and got kicked in the teeth. Unlike a lot of people I didn’t whine or pine away I moved on. There was no other option.

     Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. There’s no way to change it or fix it because there’s no way to fix it. There’s also no reason to ponder the why of it all either. You may as well ponder the reason we all grow old and die. You can also add faith into the category. We all live and die and fall in love. We put our faith in it and hope it’ll work out.

     As I pondered my next move and really looked at how I truly felt I was glad it fell apart because love scares the hell out of me and if she had stuck around I could have fallen and fallen hard. I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful.

The Key To Everything

     I haven’t blogged in awhile and I wanted to see how well my HTC One keyboard handles my fat thumbs. The nice thing is the autocorrect or predictive text. It’s a hit or miss thing because sometimes it puts in the wrong word or tries to censor my swear words. I have seen duck replacing fuck quite often and I finally have it in my dictionary. Is it easy writing a blog on a cellphone? It is.

      I have been thinking quite a bit lately and I noticed that at 39 I still don’t have all the answers. Death is still a mystery and I still can’t figure out the love thing. As a kid I was under the impression that I would somehow become wiser as I aged. Some box would open and inside would be the key to everything. The answers to heaven, hell, life, death, and even love. The key to everything would end wars and make us all wiser.

     The problem though is that once we had the key our lives would longer have the same meaning. There would no longer be any more riddles to solve and we’d create wars and famine just to cure the boredom. With the key to everything we’d all be perfect. We’d no longer need God because with the key to everything we would all be God. Sounds a bit blasphemous doesn’t it? We would build temples to worship ourselves.

      Instead of life becoming simpler as we age it just becomes harder. The questions become deeper and we suddenly realize that we’re all mortal and closer to death each day. We are all decaying and sooner or later we’ll die and then we finally get all the answers. The mysteries will all be revealed. The answers to life and death and even love will all be laid out before us.

       Let’s explore something else shall we? The feelings we sometimes have for women or if you’re a woman it would be a man. I have always been pretty self sufficient. If a woman I’m interested in suddenly drops off the face of the earth I handle it well. I dust myself off and move forward. You can’t make someone like you right? I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes people just need space.

     I met a woman recently that is everything I’ve been looking for. She’s smart, she’s amazing and she gets me. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her but sometimes she just vanishes and for the first time ever I’m wondering if she feels the same way about me. I have never thought about long term at all ever and that scares the hell out of me because suddenly I am. 

     She has made me rethink my views on relationships and I keep wondering is this normal? At thirty nine there has to be a maturity about realtionships and I guess you adapt to some sort of guideline. When I’m with her there is nowhere else I’d rather be. She is my safe place.

     Maybe that’s the key to everything. Finding someone you could spend the rest of your life with. Being in love is a bit like heaven and hell. Being apart feels like an eternity and finding the woman or man you can’t live without is a bit like salvation. Your faults and mistakes no longer matter and when you the right person you feel whole again.

    
     In the end all we really want is to be accepted and to feel alive isn’t it? We want life to make sense and that’s why question everything. We want it all to make sense and have meaning. We want to be saved from ourselves.    

Soulmate?

     I  hate to hear women complain about not having their needs met. Women complain all the time about their needs not being met. Ladies here’s a tip. Stop being so needy. You will never see a man crying on his front steps because his needs aren’t being met. Do you know why? We don’t have any.

     All we want are simple things. A woman that won’t turn into a nagging bitch, someone who is honest and not so fucking needy. That’s how you keep a man happy. How hard is it? If you really want to keep him happy a little head doesn’t hurt.

     Now that I have this desire to remain single for the remainder of my time on this planet people are freaked out. Why would I do something so insane. I’ll be 40 in October and I really don’t think I’m going to find a woman that is good enough to be with me. My biggest fear is that I’ll meet an amazing woman and wake up next to a whiny, needy mega bitch. The kind of chick that makes you want to slit your wrists or even run into oncoming traffic.

     I have been with a lot of women. Fell in love twice. Both times were awesome but now? There’s no fucking way that’s gonna happen again. Sam Kinison once said that his ideal date would be cuming on her back, stealing 20 bucks out of her purse, crawling out of window, and never call her. I always thought that was pretty fucked up until you wake up one day and realize that Sam was onto something.

     When I decided to get married I was young. I loved her and for sixteen years I was convinced that I was doing great until I woke up one day and my wife had ripped my heart out and ate it. I was convinced after that shit ended I was done but sadly I listened to some of the wrong people and dated twice and even fell in love again.

     Now I’m at a point where I know the drill. At my age I can’t afford to be stupid so I avoid women. It really sucks because I was on an elevator with a woman who is exactly my type. Amazing thick body and an ass that jiggled like a perfectly set Jell-O mold. I almost spoke to her but then I remembered all the shit I had been through and I watched her walk away. Even held the door open so I could watch wonderful ass until it dissapeared.

     I have been thinking about how I can avoid people worrying about me. They have this fear that I’m going to die alone. Duh! That’s the point. It’s the whole reason why I decided to quit dating in the first place. For some reason people assume that because you don’t have a girlfriend you’re lonely. I call it happy.

      In order to keep people off my back I have devised a list of qualities a woman has to have in order to date me. It’s not a difficult list just a little thing I created so I have an excuse for being single. Women have needs so it’s about fucking time I came up with my own.

     I want a woman who isn’t too thin. When I’m having sex with a woman I don’t want to feel as if I’m going to break her in two. I move her leg and end up dislocating her hip. Not my Idea of fun. She has to be funny and able to have a conversation about anything. There’s nothing worse than a stupid chick and she has to be atubborn and random. The more unpredictable she is the happier I am.

     Any chick that doesn’t like horror movies is not acceptable. If she finds a Saturday night on the couch eating Chinese takeout while waching horror movies fun have her call me. There are bonus points involved if she reccomends a few movies.

     The last thing is after meeting me she has to text me. If she texts like drunken toddler she’s history. I don’t care if she does meet all the other requirements. If I can’t figure out a simple text she’s gone. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Drives me crazy.

     The only way I’ll date is if she meets all those requirements. At my age I have to be choosey. I should really throw in something about Bizarro Fiction and Splatterpunk because I read a lot of those types of books. If you ask me  if I’m dating I can now say I just haven’t met the right woman.

Spring ushers in the whiner babies

     You would assume that once the weather turns warmer people would be friendlier or at least warmer and fuzzier but it’s just not the case. If you look at Facebook you would swear that everyone’s totally miserable. What is it about misery? Why does everyone have to pass it around like a disease? Just because someone’ totally miserable it doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. There’s no law that states misery must be felt by your entire friends list.

     Relationships usually die horrible deaths in the Spring. It sounds like total bullshit but it’s true. We spend some of the most miserable months with the same people day in and day out. Once the weather breaks we all feel a little restless and tired. We suddenly have options again.

     My ex-wife seems to think I’m lonely which is total bullshit. I have decided to not date and just because I choose to be single it doesn’t mean I’m secretly wishing I were with someone. It defies logic and pisses me off to think that somehow life has to include someone to share it with.

     With the Spring I have a new sense of clarity and direction. I know that to be happy you have to find some sort of balance. For some they bounce from relationship to relationship simply because they don’t know how how to be alone. They have this fear that if they’re alone they’ll die. I finally figured out that being alone is sometimes essential to be being happy. It’s ok to dig a hole and bury your emotions inside of it. It’s ok to build a wall to keep people out.

     When we go from relationship to relationship how do we know what’s love and what’s mere infatuation? My experience with chicks has been all bad so why in the hell would I keep dating? If I feel as if every relationship I become involved in is going to crash and burn why would I willingly decide to date again?

     The truth is that I don’t know what I want. All I know is that for now I need to get over someone and I’m almost there. Would it be fair to become involved with another woman if I’m still in love with someone else? I have a hundred books to read and a pile of movies to watch so a relationship is the furthest thing from my mind right now.

      My goal this spring is to have as much fun as possible and I’m going to do it alone. Relationships don’t define me. My Kindle is all I need to be happy. It’s cool to know that so many people are worried about me but chill the fuck out I got this.