First blog of the new year

     First blog of the new year and one that has already started on a downer. I could write an entire blog about gun laws and my personal tragedy but I’m not a sharer. Just never been one to talk about shit that people really don’t need to hear.

     When you walk into politics or gun laws you always have one ignorant asshole that will just throw slogans at you as if they’re throwing stars. People just don’t delve into issues of censorship, or even personal freedom on their own. Instead they’re spoon fed the same party bullshit until it starts to sound good and even realistic.

     You can make it harder to purchase guns but you know the criminals get theirs illegally and they always have bigger and better ones. See what happens? You say something like that and someone will say get rid of guns all together. The thing is if they’re used correctly they aren’t evil. Even if you ban all guns the criminals will still have bigger and better guns and what then?

     Now some random facts about me. I’m not a hugger. People will try and hug me and I smoothly transition into a handshake. A hug just feels too intimate and why the fuck are there so many dudes who swoop in for a hug. Christian men are notorious for this and it really bugs the hell out of me.

     I also hate being touched. Grosses me out because I have no idea where these hands have been. Just the thought of being touched makes me ill. I always want to ask them if their hands are clean. It makes it difficult to date and I have to fake revulsion when I am in a relationship and the chick wants to hold my hand or even hold me.

     Relationships are hard as fuck as it is but it makes it even harder when you hate being touched. I have no idea where it stemmed from. There’s usually a trigger but I just discovered it while I was actually seeing this girl and she was all into the whole touching bullshit. She was holding my hand and I was really grossed out.

     The fucked up thing was that her hands were soft. There are some woman who have hands that feel like sandpaper or a dead fish but that wasn’t the case at all. Having a girlfriend and not being a hugger is another problem due to most chicks feeling that a hug is an important part of a healthy relationship. Can’t I just smack a chick with my dick to show her how much I like her?

     From now on if I really like a woman I won’t hug her, I’ll just dick slap her. When she least expects it I’ll just wait until she’s sitting down and I’ll whack her in the face with my dick. I’ll be like Darth Vader wielding a lightsaber. Would that be insulting to hit a woman with my cock?

     This could start a new trend. I could tell a woman Iove her and slap her with cock meat. Letting your penis bounce of your girlfriend’s forehead is a great way to say I love you. If she asks how much I love her I’ll just pull out my dick, beat her with it and then walk away.

     I can’t understand why people feel it necessary to touch anyway. Is it some primal need to feel important? If I’m talking to you isn’t that enough? Why do you feel the need to touch me. Maybe I’ll just start slapping everyone with my dick. Want to shake hands? Well, let’s see what happens when I hit you with my dick.

     I think maybe I should see a psychiatrist. See if he or she can figure out why I’m so fucked and antisocial. I could figure out why I have an issue with commitment and why I have this strange compulsion to dick whip people. It would be interesting to get their take on why I’m the way that I am. If I’m really lucky I can get some pills that make me drool all over myself and masturbate like a monkey.

     Wait, I can’t afford health care despite what the president said. He said that he was making health care affordable for everyone but there was a little bullshit in there. Health care is still unaffordable and the penalty for not having it is still cheaper than the plans I was offered.

     Wait, where was I? Shit, I don’t think it really matters. Instead of hitting people with my dick I should just whack them with a floppy dildo. That would be even more insulting. Choke out annoying fucks with anal beads maybe? That’s it. Blog’s over and thanks for reading.


Darker And Cynical

          I have grown quite cynical and darker in my old age. The older I get the less tolerant I am to other people’s bullshit. At my age I have become quite comfortable with myself and who I am. It drives me nuts when I encounter needy people or people who can’t seem to make up their mind. They want to be with you and then they decide they don’t. Who has time for that shit? At some point I’m going to get tired of waiting and move on.

     I have a personal graveyard littered with the discarded and forgotten. Buried here are the people that I have no use for or the ones who have somehow let me down. This graveyard is massive and if you took a tour you’d be amazed at how large this fucker is. I could point out gravestones and tell you exactly why they needed buried.

     I always assumed that the older I got  the easier my life would be. I would sail into my forties and be happy with my life but fucking people are ruining it. My marriage went to shit three years ago and dating quickly turned into a fucking nightmare. I decided that in order to be happy I needed less distractions and decided it was about time I became a recluse.

     When you become comfortable with your decisions and let go of all the things that people assume are a part of a happy life. Or if you decide not to date and are in fact ok with spending the rest of your life alone it tends to freak people out. There has to be an understanding that I know what’s best for me. I want to go into my fifties and sixties confident that I made the right choices and after all isn’t me that has to live with those choices?

     I have become darker and more cynical but I have never been happier. When all is said and done that’s really all that matters. I occasionally stroll out to the personal graveyard just to pay my respects and make sure no one has gotten out of their grave. Maybe someday I’ll give it a name. It’s the least I could do. So many people buried here and my graveyard doesn’t even have a name.

    Looking back maybe some of those people didn’t need to be removed but in the end does it even matter? We all make choices in our life and I spend no amount of time reflecting or pondering. My life has turned out well and I never have a moment where I wonder what if because I always look forward never backward.

     That’s the message I want to leave everyone when I finally leave the planet. Keep moving forward and make sure the dead stay buried. There’s no time for wondering how life could have been different. What are you doing now? Are you happy with who you are and where you are? If not it’s your own damn fault.

     I look forward to being the cantankerous old guy who is always pissed off and wanders around wearing a diaper and flip flops. I want the pimp cane or at the very least a walker that’s black with white stripes. Maybe even a basket so I have something to carry my Twinkies in.

     Growing older should be fun so why not piss on trees and occasionally grab a few titties. Being elderly earns you respect and privileges that most people would kill for. So I embrace getting older and plan on living a very very long time. 

Internet Dating??

     Why in the hell is my email being invaded by so many dating adverts? My spam box is full of this shit and I have tried to look at some of it without laughing but it’s hard. These people assume that I’m lonely or in desperate need if their services. I assure you I’m not and if push came to shove I could hit any bar during ladies night and pick up some desirable wreck of a woman.
     What scares me is that even Christians are jumping onto the web dating band wagon which is quite humorous to me. What the fuck do these ads say? Aren’t Christians supposed to wait until marriage to have sex? What man is going to agree to a date a woman if he knows that there won’t be any sex at any point during the date? Why would he agree to have a relationship with anyone that won’t put out?
   Wouldn’t that be like going to the supermarket and pushing a cart and not buying anything? At some point you’re going to get bored and start shopping. Men can’t date unless they know or feel pretty confident that at some point there’s going to be some sex. We want to see our women naked.

    Online dating is kind of like hitting rock bottom. Once you hit every bar and have dated all of the people you’ve been set up with and have still not found the right person then you go online with all the other losers who can’t find a date through traditional means. You may think it’s a good idea but once you set up the profile there’s that moment of sadness.

    You have to wade through the Quisimodo’s and bearded ladies but your dream woman is only a click away. Her picture may be grainy but read her stats! She could be the one! When you finally meet her she has a peg leg and a really bad stutter.
   I have always viewed online dating as the equivalent for being picked last in kick ball. The only people left are sneezy and wheezy so why even bother? At some point the flaws are going to appear and your dream date becomes a wheezing sneezing nightmare.   
    I couldn’t even use these sites due to my interests being so left field. They see my blog or my Goodreads page and it’s obvious that I don’t follow a normal thought pattern. My dream woman cannnot exist online. It’s not realistic. My dream woman is sitting in a coffee shop somewhere reading a Richard Laymon novel and she’s wearing a wife beater and sweat pants.
  I avoid these ads and chuckle when they compare me with someone because all they’re going by is the bullshit I put in two years ago when I was bored. None of it is true and I thought maybe it would go away but it hasn’t. Chicks are still responding and I keep ignoring it.

       If I see a chick wearing a wife beater and a pair of sweat pants I will respond and at some point I’ll have to meet her unless she’s on a Christian website. I like sex and refuse to get divorced just so I can get laid. It’s just not worth it. I’m separated but I have yet to get divorced because I don’t ever want to get married again. Being married is a great deterrent.

Stalking Is A Verb

     Lately I’ve been watching Deadly Women on Investigation Discovery and I don’t think single men should watch this show. It peels away the mystique that women have and show you just how bat shit crazy they can be. If you’ve never seen this show the first thing you notice is how fucking vicious they are.

     Men will just flat out kill you. They will either shoot you or stab you but these women have this down to a science. They’ll pretend that they love you and everything’s cool but they’re envisioning the way that they will kill you. They have it all mapped out including the hour and exactly how you’ll die. They will rember each fight and each comment you made to make her feel insecure and she will think of that each time she’s stabbing you. There you are lying in a pool of blood and she’s screaming; “Not so fat now am I mother fucker?”

     If you’ve never dated a woman this show will make you see every item in your house as a possible weapon. It may even keep you pursuing a relationship. Each time a woman smiles at you there’s the possibility that she is totally off her rocker and will beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat while you’re sleeping. How the hell are you supposed to sleep? Why would you even want to date? You’d be putting your life in your hands.

     I remember watching Fatal Attraction swearing I would never cheat on a woman. That movie left an impression that has stuck with me for a very long time. As I got deeper into this show I suddenly realized being single isn’t a bad idea. Deadly Women makes Fatal Attraction look tame. It used to be that if you were single you were a total loser but now? It means your safe. Being single means I won’t be killed by some psycho Kelly Clarkson fan.

     I think every guy needs to avoid dating or living with a woman who listens to Kelly Clarkson. That woman scares the hell out of me and her lyrics are all about stalking. I predict at some point she’ll be on Deadly Women. It’s inevitable. The news networks would have a field day with her finally going over the edge and killing a guy.

     She’ll have some poor sap tied to a chair and as the camera pans away all you see is blood and piss and there’s Kelly buck naked holding a pair of Gardening Shears.

     “Since you’ve been gone all I could think about is how much I love you. You promised me forever!” The guy starts pissing again as Kelly stabs him and hums Behind These Hazel Eyes.

Relationships are tough as it is but suddenly we’re faced with the possibility that our wives or girlfriends are capable of killing us. My best friend has even offered to make her boyfriend a pillow so she could suffocate him while he sleeps. She giggled when she told me this but it still scared me because I may have to crash at her house someday. She even offered to make me a pillow!

Why are women so emotionally attached? Is it hormones or just the inability to deal with rejection? Each of these women seemed so normal and suddenly they’re dumping their bi-polar meds into someone’s coffee and then as the guy sleeps these women proceed to stab and in some cases rape a dude. If a relationship ends sometimes there’s a logical explanation for it. It happens all the time. Some relationships just don’t work out.

It’s not ok to listen to Taylor Swift and feel sorry for yourself and it’s not ok to stalk someone either. This show gives women some really bad ideas and I wonder if there are women watching this and taking notes. They’ve latched onto some guy they think they can’t live without and when they’re forced to they decide if I can’t have him no one will. They sit around listening to country music or It Will Rain by Bruno Mars and suddenly they have an epiphany. He must be punished.

Dating used to be simple and fun. Every relationship has peaks and valleys but no one should die over a toilet seat that’s been accidently left up. Love should be voluntary not coerced with a butcher knife. We need to stop these shows before more men die. We need to teach women that men sometimes.change their minds. It sucks but it happens.
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     It always amazes me how quickly things change. Everything in life is temporary and there has to be a point where everything either falls in place or falls apart. Nothing ever really falls into place that often and when it does it usually falls apart anyway. The thing that always confused me is this desire for perfection.

     The reality is that there is no perfection. We become happy so we assume it’s perfection. I always strived for something real. Something that made life tolerable and less like a challenge of skill and luck. When I really thought about life and even death I also threw in love because in reality they’re one and the same. I began to see that in life and even love there is no perfection at all. We adjust to someone’s personality and accept it. There’s a cycle that all of our lives go through. Birth, life, and death.

     I thought for a minute that love truly defined who I was but when I looked around I realized that it didn’t. It’s an extension of who we are, who we strive to be, but it doesn’t define us. What does define me? What makes me me? If the answer is love it’s not very defining. In fact it’s quite generic. Other people can define who you are but there’s no way I can define myself.

     As I wrote the last blog I thought about who I am and how as I grow older I started to branch out of my comfort zone and allow myself to actually like a woman but I found out that it may take awhile to find the right person. I thought I found her but I was wrong. Occasionally I am wrong and it sucks but in the end there’s
really nothing you can do but walk away.

     Relationships are extremely weird and far more complicated than they need to be. If you want to be with someone then be with them. I found out that I took a risk, let my guard down and got kicked in the teeth. Unlike a lot of people I didn’t whine or pine away I moved on. There was no other option.

     Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they feel the same way. There’s no way to change it or fix it because there’s no way to fix it. There’s also no reason to ponder the why of it all either. You may as well ponder the reason we all grow old and die. You can also add faith into the category. We all live and die and fall in love. We put our faith in it and hope it’ll work out.

     As I pondered my next move and really looked at how I truly felt I was glad it fell apart because love scares the hell out of me and if she had stuck around I could have fallen and fallen hard. I dodged a bullet and for that I am grateful.

The Key To Everything

     I haven’t blogged in awhile and I wanted to see how well my HTC One keyboard handles my fat thumbs. The nice thing is the autocorrect or predictive text. It’s a hit or miss thing because sometimes it puts in the wrong word or tries to censor my swear words. I have seen duck replacing fuck quite often and I finally have it in my dictionary. Is it easy writing a blog on a cellphone? It is.

      I have been thinking quite a bit lately and I noticed that at 39 I still don’t have all the answers. Death is still a mystery and I still can’t figure out the love thing. As a kid I was under the impression that I would somehow become wiser as I aged. Some box would open and inside would be the key to everything. The answers to heaven, hell, life, death, and even love. The key to everything would end wars and make us all wiser.

     The problem though is that once we had the key our lives would longer have the same meaning. There would no longer be any more riddles to solve and we’d create wars and famine just to cure the boredom. With the key to everything we’d all be perfect. We’d no longer need God because with the key to everything we would all be God. Sounds a bit blasphemous doesn’t it? We would build temples to worship ourselves.

      Instead of life becoming simpler as we age it just becomes harder. The questions become deeper and we suddenly realize that we’re all mortal and closer to death each day. We are all decaying and sooner or later we’ll die and then we finally get all the answers. The mysteries will all be revealed. The answers to life and death and even love will all be laid out before us.

       Let’s explore something else shall we? The feelings we sometimes have for women or if you’re a woman it would be a man. I have always been pretty self sufficient. If a woman I’m interested in suddenly drops off the face of the earth I handle it well. I dust myself off and move forward. You can’t make someone like you right? I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes people just need space.

     I met a woman recently that is everything I’ve been looking for. She’s smart, she’s amazing and she gets me. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her but sometimes she just vanishes and for the first time ever I’m wondering if she feels the same way about me. I have never thought about long term at all ever and that scares the hell out of me because suddenly I am. 

     She has made me rethink my views on relationships and I keep wondering is this normal? At thirty nine there has to be a maturity about realtionships and I guess you adapt to some sort of guideline. When I’m with her there is nowhere else I’d rather be. She is my safe place.

     Maybe that’s the key to everything. Finding someone you could spend the rest of your life with. Being in love is a bit like heaven and hell. Being apart feels like an eternity and finding the woman or man you can’t live without is a bit like salvation. Your faults and mistakes no longer matter and when you the right person you feel whole again.

     In the end all we really want is to be accepted and to feel alive isn’t it? We want life to make sense and that’s why question everything. We want it all to make sense and have meaning. We want to be saved from ourselves.    

Random Thoughts At Church

     I realize that I’m supposed to pay attention at church but my mind usually wanders. While others are singing I’ve pulled up my Kindle on my phone and become absorbed in Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho. While eveyone is singing about God I’m reading about Patrick Bateman chopping up a coworker with an ax.

     I stop reading for a minute and begin thinking about the chick with the long freaky ass toes. Why would anyone with weird feet even allow them to be seen in public? I was quite horrified to see that the the middle toe was longer than the big toe. I wondered if other dudes are bothered by freakishly long toes and if it makes me a bit shallow that freakish toes are a deal breaker. What if I meet a chick and she whips off her shoes and socks and she has toes like a monkey?

At this point I hear the song that’s playing and the lyrics were something something you are holy Lord. I wonder if Jesus is offended by that? If you’re writing a song about Jesus wouldn’t it make sense to avoid singing about holes? Isn’t it possible that Jesus is sensitive about his nail wounds and if someone is singing a song about him being holy he may think you’re making fun of him.

It dawned me that when Jesus comes back the first places he’ll destroy are the hardware stores. Any place that sells lumber nails and a hammer are gone. When Jesus comes back no one is building shit. I bet when he hears the sound of a hammer hitting a nail he freaks out. Forget crosses it’s the hammer Jesus fears most.

By this time the singing portion is over and we do the prayer. I often wait for someone to rip a fart. Sure it’s gross but think about it. We just wanna thank you Lord for pfffffffffffft. How would you work around that? Would it be possible to muddle through without giggling? Now the person who farted has to actually pray. “Dear Heavenly father I pray that you forgive me for farting in your house. I thought it was going to be silent Lord and it was loud and I apologize. I pray that those who smelled it Father don’t throw up. Amen”

My mind usually wanders during this part. When I was serious about church and faith I would use this time to meditate but now depending on who’s there I slyly look around. There’s always someone doing the same damn thing and It always embarasses me because I’m supposed to be praying and here I am scanning the room.

My mother seems to think that a woman here has taken a shine to me and while it’s amusing I can’t ask her out. What if she’s really into God? Most of these chicks aren’t putting out until marriage which sucks because I could end up dating her. That means no sex. Not even a tug on my nuts. That’s almost like going to a restaurant and paying your bill without getting any food. Sex has to come up and if she doesn’t plan on putting out I’m not wasting my time.

If she is a serious Christian odds are she’ll want to convert me or quite possibly have me commited. Once she spends time with me I know that once she gets to know me the subject is going to come up. Once she crawls around inside my head she may get a little freaked out. Do I want to be the guy that comes home to find his girlfriend in a corner rocking back and forth?

I’m not evil at all. I don’t have dark thoughts or plan on shoving an empty Coke bottle up her business. I’m just really random and some of the movies and books I’m into may offend her. I don’t need her running to our Pastor everytime I question God’s spot in the universe.

Let someone else ruin her. I can’t be responsible for changing her views on marriage and forever. I know that at the moment I am a tad too cynical for a relationship. When she asks if I love her I don’t want her to be offended when I start laughing. Some people are looking for forever and I’m just looking to be left alone.

As I sat there checking this chick out I decided not to even talk to her. Instead I’ll think about farts and this crazy image of Jesus as a lawn sprinkler. I wonder if that would sell? You’d have this normal Jesus statue but once the water kicks on water shoots out of the wounds on his hands and feet.