We’ve Lost Our Damn Minds

Am I the only one that watched the leaked Trump tape and laughed? Wait, before you start throwing shit at me and boycotting my books, let me explain myself and build some kind of defense. I also want to tell you that those men who are shocked and outraged by Trump’s remarks are liars. Most of them anyway. Here’s the thing that you have to understand and no, it doesn’t make make what Trump said any better. When you say you’re going to grab a chick by the pussy it isn’t meant to be heard outside of your circle of friends.The offended men are liars, they should just shut the fuck up. Seriously.

Do I support Trump in any way shape or form? Nope. I still think that Trump is a fucking idiot and anyone that votes for him should have their fucking heads examined. Why am I not outraged at what Trump said? It’s simple. I’m a dude. You should hear the way men talk about women when they’re with other dudes. You’d be shocked and ready to skin us all alive. It is it wrong? Of course it is, but we’re men and we talk about women. That’s what we do. Women, your husband and boyfriend does it too. We will see an attractive woman and point her out. We may say something like; “I’d like to bite that ass!”, or “Do fries come with that shake?” I bet women do it too. You women could probably put us to shame with your lewd comments. .

When you call a guy a rapist based on words alone you’re being a bit harsh and wrong. We objectify women in the company of other dudes, and we never ever rape them. Women shouldn’t be all that shocked by what Trump said. If we could, we’d grab a lot of women by the pussy and then just for shits and giggles we’d motor boat their titties. What I’m defending here are men who say stupid shit. It’s what we do. It’s not right and shouldn’t be heard outside of our circle of friends. When I heard the Trump tape I laughed because I have been with my friends and we’ve done the same thing. Should Trump know better? He has a dick. You can’t train a guy not to say shit like that. What would be horrifying is Trump actually grabbing women by the pussy as a way of greeting.

Now, I’m sure that there will be a lot of women angered by my comments and they’ll no doubt say that I should stop objectifying women. I have a dick, it’s just how I’m wired. Not going to happen anytime soon, but I have enough sense to keep my thoughts centered and for the most part respect women the way my mother taught me. I have enough sense to know that women are not pieces of meat and should never, ever under any circumstances be grabbed by the pussy. There is an exception to this rule. If the woman is your wife or girlfriend, then you grab ’em by the pussy. That’s the only time it’s acceptable. What I’m saying is Trump got caught being a man. Sure, he’s creepy, and an idiot, but he got grown women to say pussy. That’s fucking awesome!

I think as a culture we get offended too easily. Political correctness has gotten out of control. We now have to defend ourselves for what we say when we’re out with out friends. Our very words are being used to define who we are, and that ain’t right. As a society we have strayed away from free speech and into a place where we are ready to convict people for thought crime and hate speech just for having a different opinion than everyone else. How did we come to this? It’s all of our faults for allowing this to happen. We can no longer speak for fear that it’s going to offend someone. When you’re shocked by a leaked tape of men being men what’s next? How can we control our thoughts and design our words to be palatable to everyone? You can’t do it, there’s just no way. You’re always running the risk of offending someone.

That’s what you need to understand. I’m just trying to make people see how ridiculous this all is. We’re shocked for all the wrong reasons. There’s worse things to be offended by. I get that he’s a presidential candidate and all, but he’s still a guy. Doesn’t make it right or even better, but it is what it is. We approach an election year that is surreal and utterly terrifying, but what we have to remember is that these are our choices and we’re fucked. I mean really fucked. Neither one of these people should be running our country, but that’s just my opinion.







Splatterpunk And Manginas

     With Legacy being released I figured why not take a vacation to promote it? I had actually reached a point where I needed some time off. I work third shift so I could use a normal bed time. I think most of all what I really wanted was a chance to settle into my apartment. A week off doing Jack shit was exactly what I needed.

     I was able to lose an entire manuscript due to an accidently tablet reformat and I also got to see my book in print format which is pretty rad. I spent so much time writing it and then seeing what the finished product looked like that I didn’t even imagine what it would feel like actually holding a copy in my hands. It’s a bit surreal and when people ask you to sign theirs you have no idea what to write. It’s almost like signing someone’s yearbook all over again. What the hell am I supposed to write? See you around maybe?

     I’ve settled into the new apartment and due to a new relationship I have a woman already marking territory. It sounds pretty frightening but it’s not.It just shows that if a woman likes you some of her stuff will just migrate into your apartment. You may not even realize how much stuff is there until you open your medicine cabinet and find your girls tooth brush and in the fridge you find her coffee creamer.

     I’ve noticed that if a woman really likes you she slowly brings stuff into the apartment when you’re not looking and you’re favorite t-shirt comes up missing not long after you’ve taken it off. The whole shirt thing I’ll never understand and I assume it’s a chick thing because I have never stolen a chick’s shirt just cos it smells like her. As a horror writer I have to be careful because I do have a rep to uphold. I can’t be all mushy and shit and spout off poetry. That would result in me losing my hardcore horror writers card. People have this idea of what a horror writers supposed to be and now that my first book has been released I have to be careful.

     I just can’t believe that my vacation is almost over. I have another year before my next one and I need to plan better. I hope by then I’ll have another book out or at the very least a movie made based on Legacy. I would love to see what I created on a flat screen tv. I don’t even care if it’s direct to blu-ray as long as that shit gets made.

     I can also tell you that if you’re a writer hoping to be published you are going to need to get a pimp hat. You think just because you wrote the book you’re done? Not true and I have spread links faster than Linsdsey Lohan’s thighs and you never know if it’s actually working. You want people to read your book so you network and become a pimp. Is it fun? It can be because you should be proud of your work. If you aren’t then why the fuck did you agree to have it published? You should quit now because you have no business writing.

     I had no idea that promotion would become like a second job but that’s why I took the vacation. I want people to read Legacy so I spread links and even added it to Goodreads hoping someone would at least review it. The thing is that reviews are really hard to come by and it’s kind of like pulling teeth. I’m curious to see what people thought of it. As a writer you vomit out this novel through your brain and then fret that people aren’t’ going to like it.

     Let’s go back to the woman for a moment because I’m sure there are a lot of people who are saying; Fuck the book mate, tell us about the woman. I keep going back to Of Mice And Men and Lenny is all about the rabbits. Tell me about the rabbits George! That’s how I feel. The book Isn’t as important as the woman who has started bringing stuff into my apartment. Tell me about the woman Mike.

     When I compiled the list I had no idea that this woman actually existed. I figured I’d write the list and promptly forget about it because I just wrote the list so people would stop trying to get me to date. At the time I lived with my parents so it would have been embarrassing to date anyway and feel as if I were totally invested in a relationship.  No woman is going to want to date me for very long and I accepted it and compiled the list. I was able to tell people to politely piss off that way.

     The thing to remember about life is that it happens no matter what. You can say that you are going to be single forever but at some point a woman is going to approach you and she is going to blow your mind. You can’t plan for that type of shit either. You just wake up one morning and she approaches you out of nowhere and before you know it you’re wondering what happened.

     All I will say is that she is exactly what I’ve been looking for. The geek, the chick who is not only intelligent but someone that totally gets me. She sees exactly how random I can be and she accepts it. A woman like this is awesome because she Isn’t looking to mold you into someone you will never be. She will have you watchihng Dr Who and Firefly because she loves this shit and to compromise she is williing to watch some weird fucked up movie because she likes you.

     This is the kind of woman that you can listen to old Beatles songs and you see her in most of them. It’s rare to find a woman like that so all you can really do is hope for the best and invite her over for dinner. When she walks in the door you get all excited and think that this is the happiest you’be been all day.

     I realize that If I write anymore of this blog my reputation as a hardcore splatterpunk author will suddenly become questionable. How in the hell does he manage to write such a fucked up novella with a vagina? So instead of bringing my manhood into question I’ll just end this blog here.

New Horizons Or How To Not Be An Optimist

     It seems as if the move will actually happen due to a variety of coincidences that are truly above and beyond my control. I just had this crazy idea that I needed to start looking for my own place and then it just started spiraling out of control. Of course with the move comes the realization that I still have no furniture or dishes. I never thought to start buying that shit and stockpiling it. I could’ve been like some mad squirrel storing nuts or something for the winter. I knew I would move at some point but I never in a million years thought that it would happen as quickly as it did. I usually get an idea, fuck around for awhile and then get serious. Not this time. People are calling this streak of good luck a blessing from God or as I like to call sorry I didn’t save your house, how about a respite from all the shit that your life has thrust upon you?

     I am actually trying to be positive but when I get positive and think that things are going to work out I get kicked in the balls. Every goddamn time. I learned not to be too happy but as I start shopping more I find that I am pretty excited about the next phase of my life. If my life were a band I would be on my fourth lead singer. This is the stage where you play state fairs and half empty bars. You start to appreciate the fact that you aren’t dead and when a girl smiles at you it seems as if the day may not turn to shit after all. This is stage four I think. The first stage was the implosion of my marriage and finding out that I can survive on my own, stage two is the fire and the just breathing portion, so this would actually be the third stage of my life and if I were a band I would be on my third lead singer. I would play half empty arenas and state fairs and the occasional Casino for free drinks and blow jobs from toothless hookers. I would be at the stage where I should know better than to snort coke off of a strippers tits but it’s just so much fun I can’t help myself.

     Dare I start to think positive about where my life is heading? I think it’s still a little early to be too optimistic. At any moment a piano could fall out of the sky and crush me to death. I used to watch a show called Dead Like Me and the title character was killed by a toilet falling out of an airplane. That would be me. I would be walking along and wham! death by toilet. I never ever want to be the person that is overly cheery. You know the type of person I’m talking about. These are the assholes that are filled with boundless energy and find that life is GREAT! These are the people that feel as if they should be your cheerleaders and will go to great lengths to make you laugh or even cheer you up. They have no idea how annoying they are and think you’re a grumpy Gus that just needs a hug. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Are they on drugs? There’s no way to ask and get a straight answer due to their asshole answer of; “I’m high on life.” Is that even possible? These are the people that drive you batshit crazy with their fucked up attitude about life beng what you make it, Fucking hippies.

     Don’t even get me started on those wonderful people that are trying to see this as a way for me to date. I’m moving just so I can get my balls licked. After living with my mom and step dad for close to two years why not move out and start dating? Sounds like a blast right? Give up on my space and freedom just so I can trade it in on matching his and her toothbrushes. When I think about living with a woman I start getting throw up sick. I have no desire to move in with a woman. I want my balls left on my body and not in a jar under the kitchen sink. I don’t want to work twelve hours and come home and cuddle and talk about her day. When I don’t feel like talking then I become an asshole because I don’t give a shit about her day. some days I just want her to shut the fuck up and not get pissed off if I want to relax by myself. that never happens though does it? Never.

     If I date a woman that lives in my apartment building how in the hell do I get away from her? Sure the sex will be fun because she’s right down the hall but what if we break up and I start dating someone else? if she turns out to be some crazy stalker there’s no escape. I could come home one day and find odd notes about her ideas on forever and the kicker would be a Kelly Clarkson mix tape. You never want to date a chick that lives in the same neighborhood. Very bad idea because you never know when she’s going to become a total cunt. At some point women do become cunts and it isn’t pretty. They glare at you with the crazy eyes and want to know what you’re thinking all the time. She wants to hang out with you and talk nonstop. Who wants that shit? I think dating in general is a bullshit option and would prefer just a quickie in a Wendy’s bathroom. When we’re done I’ll buy you a Frosty and we go our separate ways. I don’t want your number so just take the Frosty and go.

     I don’t hate women and if I could just get them to take off their clothes without opening their mouths life would in fact be perfect. I would become one of those overly cheery people. I’d hum fucking Barry Manilow and say hi to every motherfucker I came in contact with. I’d be kissing babies, laughing a lot more and just being the asshole you can’t stand because I’m just so damned happy all the time. I can talk to woman that are married or dating other people. It’s easy because there are rules. These women are okay to talk to because they’re involved with someone and the possibility of fucking isn’t there. You take away the ability or the opportunity to fuck a woman and a lot of guys can’t take it and bail. Women are great but I have reached a point where dating and even relationships just aren’t that important.

     I have been looking at all my shit scattered in a way that I can find it and keep willing myself to pack but if I do pack and everything falls apart I’d just have to unpack again and that’s a real pain in the ass. I have never been a fan of moving. Is anyone? I always promise myself that this will be the last time but it never is. This time maybe it could be the last time. I’m not an optimistic person by any means but sometimes I lie to myself just to make myself feel better. There’s no harm in it and it’s not like I’m hurting my feelings because I know it’s bullshit. I know myself pretty well and I’ve gotten used to the lies. I told myself that dating an unintelligent woman would work out well and remove a lot of the issues I have with relationships. That was a big fuckng lie but I allowed myself to believe it and looking back it still seemed like a good idea and almost worked as long as I kept dumbing myself down.

     Thursday is the true beginning and I’m sure that the orientation will give me at least a blog or a new view of how stupid people can be. You never know. I could even meet the girl of my dreams here. She could be wearing a wife beater and sweat pants and as an added bonus she could be holding a baby. I could be be this woman’s baby daddy. We could live forever in the projects and I’ll work and she’ll buy my stay at home girlfriend. Isn’t that what the American dream is? True love and all that horseshit? All I know is that I am going nuts trying to convince myself that the move is going to happen. That inner voice of course is telling me that I’m full of shit but I think he’s wrong.

Can’t Sleep

     Maybe the title is a bit misleading. I can sleep and fell asleep reading. I woke up hugging my tablet like it was my girlfriend. It was an awkward moment because I remember reading and I just fell out. Woke up and realized why I never go to sleep at eight in the evening. I have no cable, no television. I’m fucked.

     I decided to grow a beard this winter and I don’t get why people have to ask why I grew it. is there supposed to be some deep meaning behind facial hair? Ever since man evolved there has to be a reason for everything. God really screwed us up because everything has a purpose including facial hair.

     There are actually two reasons for the beard. The first is obvious. I got tired of shaving. I shave my entire head so I’m actually cutting out on time spent in the bathroom. Every week I shave my head and then my face. One morning I said fuck it and now I have the beard.

     The second reason is far deeper. I have a disease. It’s called I don’t give a shit. This disease affects my entire life. I wake up in the morning plaster on a fake smile and plow through my day. I’m oblivious to everything and it sucks but what can I do. I’ve had a rough few months thought I finally hit a corner and now I’m right back where I started.

     I just don’t care how I look and if it wasn’t for my job I’d stop showering and doing laundry. I wake up fake enthusiasm and come home and pretend that I actually give a shit about whatever topic I encounter until I’m alone and can read and pretend that the world doesn’t exist.

     I’ve been through far too much shit. I feel like a discarded pumpkin. I’m all hollow inside and have no idea how to fix me. I keep hearing about prayer and God and I chuckle. I’d like to thank God for allowing my life to continually turn to shit. Awesome job. For all those lovely people that want to pray for me please don’t. I can’t handle anymore stress and if my life gets any worse I may just end up in the whacky shack eating crayons.

     The phrase I keep hearing is confession is good for the soul but is it? Religous folks are all about confession. We all want to be absolved of something don’t we? The only thing that confession really does is give you an excuse to do it again. If we can be forgiven why not do it again?

     Sin is such a broad area and people are consumed with this idea that confession will somehow make their lives better. All confession does really is make you look like a horrible person. Confession may not be good for the soul. You know what’s good for the soul? You shutting the fuck and talking to God or whomever on your own. Why bring in an intermediary?

     Lastly because I’m getting sleepy and I think this blog is sucking, I’m trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I started to fuck up everything I came in conract with. The other night I was looking back on my life and I realized I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve ever had.

     Everything I touch I break. It’s that simple. I end up screwing up a relationship because I was freaked out and scared and I noticed that it’s always been that way. I either push them away or say something that makes me look like an asshole. I find the one woman that I truly wanted to be with and I screw it up.

     There’s nothing you can do to fix it. Once you fuck it up there’s no way to unfuck it up. There’s always that hope that they’ll see that you didn’t want to push them away you just did what you always do. Some people are perfectly content with being happy and enjoy it while I usually just fuck it up. The part that sucks is when you see her and she’s just as beautiful as the last time you saw her. That’s when you realize you may have lost the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you.

     I think at some point though we need to rely less on what could happen in a relationship and just focus on what’s important. I broke my one cardinal rule and that’s to not think ahead. I did and went all panicky and shit. I am a walking disaster that’s totally screwed up. I hit that moment where I freaked out and then hit a period where I just said fuck it.

    I doubt very highly that I’ll get a shot of redemption anyway. It’s never worked out for me. If I could confess maybe it would be that I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a very good savior at all because when it comes right down to it I’m just scared as everyone else. I fell in love with an amazing woman and totally fucked it up. It happens. All I can do is keep moving forward. It’s all I got left.

Wait, What?

     I’m trying to think of a blog that I can write that will assure my girl that I’m not creepy. It sucks because I’ve been banned from boxes, bows, and wrapping paper. I know one woman who’s not getting a dick in a box for Christmas. If you write a blog and have a girlfriend maybe you should keep the blog a secret.

      Is it creepy that I think her ears or cute or that I would gladly massage her feet? I didn’t think so. Creepy is making statues out of her made with mash potatoes or wondering what her insides look like. I firmly believe that there’s a fine line between cute and creepy and I have yet to cross it.

     The thing is that I’m proud of my blog. I was able to create something that shows off my twisted sense of humor. Then I started writing about my dick and it all went south. Now I realize that she thinks I’m some sex crazed pervert which is kind of true but I’m harmless. I’m not going to kick open the door and demand for thine woman to uncloth herself and be prepared to ravished. Well, wait, yeah I would.

     I read a few of my blogs and I guess she does have a valid reason to be concerned. I wanted my very own stalker for fuck’s sake. What woman is going to allow that? I think that’s a deal breaker isn’t it? Thank God that never happened. It would make date night a little weird. I take my favorite girl out and there’s my crazy ass stalker wanting to tag along.

     Stalkers ruin relationships and the longer my girl and I are together the crazier the stalker gets. I may wake up one morning and find her camped out in the yard. So I’m glad I never

got one. I came close once and I have to admit it wasn’t as fun as I had thought it would be.

     I realize now that I have been single a little too long. I have never really thought that I’d be in a relationship that would turn serious. Now I have to remember to leave the toilet seat down, or when I’m getting out of the shower not to do the helicopter.

      That single dude mentalitiy has to kick off right? The Buffalo Bill dance isn’t sexy neither is my dick in a box. Is it funny? Hell yeah it is but no wonder my girl thinks I’m a fucktard. I have to rectify this shit.

     Girls reading this are probably thinking  I’m a lost cause. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body and I do. My dick can’t be included because it isn’t a bone and why is it when when we talk about banging chicks we always remark that we wanna give the dog a bone? How rude.

     My blogs are only one side to who I am and sure you can’t always predict how I’m going to behave but isn’t that a good thing? Women reading this are shaking their head in horror and they feel badly for my girlfriend because I’m a fucking mess.

     Women reading this may assume that I can’t be civilized or that when it comes to sex I’m some kind of manimal. To some extent I guess I am because I love sex. Fucking love it. What woman would have a problem with a guy that has dirty thoughts while eating a taco?

      When I began writing my blogs I never thought that women would read this. I never wondered what they would think either but now? I realize that most women think I’m a sex craved idiot that has intellectual conversations with his dick. Hasn’t every guy done that?

      I can’t change the world but I can talk about my love of breasts and all the stupid shit I’ve done. Why would I do this? It’s simple. Someone out there is having a really fucked up day and if I can make people laugh that’s a good thing. I may seem like an idiot but there are tons of blogs that are quite serious and show that I can move beyond the dick and fart jokes.

     How many women reading this actually laughed at the idea of me doing the Buffalo Bill dance or suddenly doing the helicopter with my dick? Not many women are going to find me repulsive or odd. They may if they walk in on me doing the helicopter but after the initial shock you know you’d laugh.

     Have I convinced my girl that I’m not creepy or a bit odd? Probably not and I really did try. Maybe I didn’t but there are other blogs that present my case of being totally normal and will prove that I’m not creepy and exhibit good behavior. This blog isn’t going to prove anything and may in fact increase the list of shit I’m banned from doing.




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Ground Control To Major Tom

     Well I did it. After being reminded that yesterday was Saturday and my time was rapidly winding down I actually finished my list. Granted I finished it at three in the morning under a great deal of stress but damn it I finished it. What really confuzzled me was that my girl doesn’t have a list of unacceptable behaviour she has volumes. Am I really that bad?

     Granted I sometimes think before speaking and may do things that seem a bit abnormal but come on volumes? I’ll admit I’m a bit rough around the edges but that’s just who I am. I’m crude and often vulgar but I can control it. At least I think I can. I don’t run up to strange women and yell; “Show me your tits!” or whip out my dick in the middle of dinner. That’s just too easy.

     I’m way more imaginative than that. Will I put my dick in a box and give it to my girl on birthdays and holidays? Hell yeah I would. That’s an awesome gift idea that women can’t pull off. Who ever heard of titties in a box? It wouldn’t work. If a box isn’t available I may just put a bow on it.

     I can see why she has volumes now and I can refrain from doing things that may be unacceptable and downright juvenile. It’s all about will power and the desire to be socially conscious. When I’m out in public I’ll try and be civilized. If I hear a baby crying I won’t say I’m going to kill that fucking baby or ask if anyone has a muzzle.

     The key word here is try. If I try really hard I can even bring this blog back to where it was. I won’t talk about my dick or sex. I happen to think of myself as the Lone Ranger which would make my dick Tonto. Women though aren’t like men. They don’t have the same relationship that men do with their dicks. Do women actually name their vagina’s?

      What kind of name would suit a vagina? I got Muffy or maybe Smoochie but it seems silly to name a vagina. I haven’t even attempted to name a vagina. Seems a tad silly doesn’t it? Any dude that names his girl’s vagina is far more fucked up than I am.

Back to the original point which was the list. I found it quite difficult but I was determined to prove my girl wrong. In every relationship we all have moments where your girl will say you can’t do something and the obvious answer is well why the hell not? We’re men we don’t understand no. No is unacceptable.

As I stared at this blank piece of paper I realized that I may have screwed the pooch on this one. All I kept hearing was her voice in my head. You got nothing monkey. She was right. It’s all her fault for being so damn awesome. If she snorted when she laughed or maybe had a nervous habit of farting during sex it would make the list easier.

My girl is hot and perfect so how the hell am I supposed to create a list? I have volumes and I can’t think of a single fucking thing. Of all the girls I have ever dated there was tons of shit I could write but now? I got nothin’. It’s not fair. As I thought about it I did realize that I could really use this list to my advantage.

Being a dude I thought ya know this could really work out well but then I realized I’d get smacked upside my bald head if I even tried to create a list that was goofy. I needed to put aside my juvile nature and create a list that would earn me some serious points and make her smile.

Despite how some of my blogs are written I can be romantic. I can joke about sex but that’s all they are. They’re jokes. If you read some of my blogs you would assume that I’m a bumbling sexual neanderthal waving his dick about. Not true at all.

While it’s true I may not understand women and will willingly admit that I don’t I do listen when they speak. I do like sex and who doesn’t? There’s nothing sexier than a naked woman. I’m thinking of one I’d love to see nekkid right now. She knows who she is and come Thursday she better bring her sexy ass over here.

Women reading this may assume I have no couth and they’re wrong. So what if I do the Buffalo Bill dance and put my dick in a box does that mean I don’t have qualities that aren’t redeemable? I think my girl would say I’m not a bumbling neanderthal most of the time.

My list was rather easy once I got serious and tried to show her just how much I care about her. It’s not a horrible list by anymeans but my girl has this tendency to roll her eyes at me and tell me how goofy I am so who knows how she’ll react to the list. I’m sure she’ll object just because she’s stubborn but that’s just part of her charm.

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Hot Chick Radar

     So let’s explore some issues that truly seperate the men from the women. Aside from the obvious let’s explore the intelligence of women. Men and women differ in thinking and a lot of times it may seem fucked up but it makes sense to them. You have to understand that a lot of women have been treated unfairly by men and guess what? You’re a man so you’re guilty by association.

     Men though are just as fucked up in their line of thinking. If we date one crazy bitch they’re all crazy. Even if we like a woman we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The woman we’re seeing may be perfectly sane but due to our experiences we know at some point she’s going to turn out batshit crazy.

     My problem for a long time was that after my wife and I split up I had the menatlity that all women were bitches that didn’t deserve my respect. That line of thinking doesn’t change over night so I can relate to women that think all men are assholes.

     It takes a long time to change your ideas about relationships and even when the relationship is going well you still look for the exits just in case. It’s just how we’re wired. Even when things are going well there’s always the possibilty that shit will go bad.

     What I don’t get is why we always have to discuss how many people we’ve slept with. I don’t wanna know how many dudes have slept with my girlfriend. It’s none of my business and women need to stop asking. It’s not a conversation we ever want to have.

     Why the hell do women ask that? They always say they won’t get pissed but they always do. If you blurt out a low number it’s still too high. When any woman hears the number it turns into a fight. Who needs that shit? It’s better to not ask.

     As men we are always going to be accused of looking at other women. If you’re with a woman and you’re commited to her other woman don’t matter anymore so stop asking us if other women are prettier than you. It’s bullshit and the answer should be obvious. Am I with her? No, I’m with you so that alone should be enough. Don’t ask a stupid question and don’t tell us we’re lying when we say no.

     Women are great at mindgames. They learned them from their mother so men need to understand that women are always 10 steps ahead of us. No matter what we think we’re men so we’re stupid. We can’t convince them that we have any common sense or intelligence.

    The hot chick radar that all women have amazes me. Most men are clueless and don’t even know what I’m talking about and then there are quite a few men that know exactly what I’m talking about.

     Hot chick radar will fuck up a relationship and don’t think for a second that your girlfriend doesn’t have it because they do. Women are very territorial even if they say they aren’t. They want other women to know that you’re taken so they will mark you.

     Once you decide that you’re in a relationship you’re marked. Test out the simplicity of this. In a crowded bar or grocery store don’t hold your girlfriends hand. Don’t even reach for it.

     What’s going to happen is she will grab your hand and do it in a way that says this is my dude bitches get to steppin’. They may not be jealous but when you’re with them she make sure that other females know that you’re taken.

    Guys are idiots when it comes to women. We may be in a commited relationship and be madly in love but we will still talk to other women. Not because we’re attracted to them but we just want to see if other women find us attractive.      Due to our spouses and girlfriends being territorial we can longer look at or even talk to other women. You can try but at some point you will be accused of either wanting to have sex with her or actually having sex with her. The best advice is make sure you’re spouse or girlfriend is ok with you having female friends.

     The hot chick radar that women have is rather amazing and complex. Any time your girlfriend visits she knows how many women live on your street. Doesn’t matter if they’re single or married because they’re women. If you talk to a female neighbor you can’t hide it. She already knows and will store it for use at a later date.

     When she surprises you with it you’ll be asked why you didn’t tell your spouse or girlfriend that you talked to this woman. Any answer you give at this point is wrong. There is no answer. If you say I didn’t think it was a big deal you’re going to be yelled at and confined to the sofa for awhile.

     The radar will trip you up all the time. Your spouse or girlfriend has female friends that actually keeps tabs on you when your not with your spouse or girlfriend. It’s a network of radars to catch you acting stupid.

     We have to remember that women may be awesome but they’re also evil without meaning to be. Once you commit you’re on lockdown and the invisible fence has been erected. You wearing a shock collar and don’t even know it.

    I always know when I start dating not to act stupid. You’re spouse or girlfriend knows when you’re lying so my advice is don’t do it. You can’t always tell when a woman is pissed off until they let you know. They could be pissed off for a week and wait until you’re asleep and then unleash hell.

      Ever been woken up by a pissed off woman? It’s not fun and there’s no way to defend yourself. Women are Jedi’s and will wear you out and beat you down before you even had a chance to speak. Women are smarter than we are and nothing we can do will help change that.

     Our mother is the same way so we know from a young age that women are smarter and better than we are. Women already have all the answers we just have to figure out the questions. Does that make me weak or even a pussy?

     Not at all because when you sit and think about it we have spent our entire lives around women so we already grew up thinking that men for the most part are stupid blundering idiots. The sooner we accept that the better off we’ll be.

     Any fight we have with a woman doesn’t have to happen if we’ll just say; “You were right honey, I was wrong. I’m sorry” Most women just want to hear us say it even if we’re right and they’re wrong. No woman has ever been wrong ever.

     I’m learning that very slowly. You would think that when I’m right I’d get some big ups but all I get is; “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I can’t win and even when I was married I was never right ever. How is that possible? The odds should be in my favor at least once.

     Men, this is very important and will close out this blog due to severe eyerolling from women. We don’t control our houses. We may tell other dudes we have our shit on lockdown but once we walk in the door it’s over. We’ve lost control.

     I’m walking into a situation where I jokingly said I was the boss of the house. I got an eyeroll and realized that the 50/50 split was more like 40/30 until she bats her eyes at me and then we’re looking at 40/10 and that’s in her favor.

     I tried to man up but she just laughs at me and guess what? She’s a woman and I have no control at all. She has no idea just how cute she is so going in I know I’m screwed but why complain? I just go with it and am thankful I get to be the boss when she isn’t home.

     I may seem like a total pushover and I agree but the hot chick radar has left me powerless. As long as there are woman I’m screwed. It’s not like I have a choice. I am all about women and sometimes it’s totally worth losing control as long as an amazing woman is beside me.

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